Page 74 of Red Hot Roaster

“What? Wait…that last part—” he tried to cut in, but I headed him off.

“I’d like more time to get to know you, and for you to get to know me.” I was speeding up, getting to my big finish…aaand Rafe was shaking his head.

“So here’s what I want to ask you. Could you,wouldyou, come back to Portland after your Boise job ends?”

He was still shaking his head. I rushed on, “Notto pick up where we left off.Notfor you to live in my apartment…or stay in my house.Noteven for you to keep working at the Chocolate Lab if you don’t want to. I’m sure Pete could connect you with another roastery nearby.”

My rehearsed pitch was going faster and faster. “Come back to give us more time together under what passes for normal. To give us a chance to explore where any feelings might lead us.”

I stopped abruptly, tears threatening once more.At least he’d heard me out. Although the whole head-shaking thing was the shih tzu.

Looking away from me, Rafe crossed his arms again. He grumbled, “Rose…”

Of course, the hall door chose that time to rattle.

Mateo muttered, “Why is this locked?” Louder, “Hey, Rafe, have you seen Rose?”

We both shouted, “Not now!”

Mateo stopped trying the door handle and, to his credit, didn’t say a word more. His footsteps got fainter as he headed back down the hall.

Rafe picked up where he’d left off. “Rose, I’m not sure I’m the right man for a woman like you. I’m not the kind of man you think I am.”

“Oh. Okay.” My stomach sank. “This is the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech.”

“Uh-uh. I mean my early years were fucking sketchy. Not sure I’m a good fit for you for the long haul.”

“Why? Help me understand.” It was supposed to be his turn, but I couldn’t help myself. “Is it because your mom wasn’t married? Because you were in foster care? Because you didn’t have money?”

He nailed me with a glare. “Nope. Different reasons. I fell in with the wrong crowd in Oakland, a youth gang. Bad people, Rose. Trust me—nobody I’d want you around.”

“That’s like…what? Twenty, twenty-five years ago?” I protested. “You were Finn’s age, even younger—right? That’s not who you are now.”

“You don’t know that. I was outta control, had a hard time keeping my temper. I was good with my fists, fighting other gangs, fighting underground for cash. I lived for the thrill of illegal racing, boosting cars for chop shops. I never got caught, never got sent to juvie.”

“What made you stop? Going into the army?”

“I beat the shit out of some low-life who surprised me and my crew on a boost,” Rafe gritted out. “He tried to knife one of the younger kids, and I got in the way—that’s where I got this thing.” He rubbed the scar along his jawline for a moment.

“We fought, and I damn near ended him. One of my boys pulled me off, and we got outta there.”

I kept quiet and still, for once.

I hadn’t seen this…this confession coming. What did I feel about it? I needed time to think. Could I get my head around the…the…violence? So foreign to me. But this was Rafe.

“I almost killed the guy,” he stated again flatly. “Sure, I was protecting my crew. But I knew, Iknewthat wasn’t what my mamma would’ve wanted for me. It felt like I’d failed her. Again.

“I’d hung in there until graduation—my latest foster mom had made sure in order to get her last dime—and I’d just turned eighteen. I met with a recruiter right away and started the enlistment process.”

Rafe slammed both hands down on the table and pushed himself up. “Look, Rose. You deserve a better man, a man who can protect you, who won’t let you down. I’m not that man.”

I stumbled to my feet to face him. “So that’s it? This is the first I’ve heard about your time before the army, and you’ve already made up your mind? Without talking to me, without asking me?”

He stepped back, and I followed, jabbing two fingers in the center of his chest.

“It looks like you don’t trust me to make the right decision—to let you go—so you made the decision for me. You had to do it because my judgment was so…so…crap before.”

Angry tears welled out and down my cheeks. I wiped my face with my fingers and paced away. And swung around.Oh, no, it can’t be.

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