Page 40 of Red Hot Roaster

“We’ve been doing a slow dance toward acting on that attraction for the last few weeks. I want to be with you, to…to…have sex with you, but I want to be wise about it. I want us to be clear up front that this is short-term—no expectations, no strings, no…feelings. Because you’re not staying, you’re leaving. Leaving before Christmas.”

She swallowed and went on. “I also want to talk about protection and testing—how’s that for being direct? It’s just that, because of what happened with Finn’s father, I like to beverycautious andveryclear.”

I wanted to know more, to know everything, but again I shut it. This was Rose’s story to tell at her own pace.

She shifted a little closer, still staring out at the waves. “It’s not that mysterious—you probably already figured out that Finn was born when I was pretty young…and that I was never married to his father. Same last name as my parents—not rocket science, right?”

She flicked me a sideways look, and I nodded.

“It’s a pretty old story,” she said quietly. “Naïve girl goes to college, meets boy and falls for him right away, fallsin lovewith him.And I was so sure he’d loved me.”

Rose shifted a little away from me. I stayed put, even though I wanted to follow her.

“See, I was pretty sheltered growing up. It was my first semester at the University of Oregon, my first business course, my first attention from a handsome, older man—the TA for the class.

“My first secret—from my parents, my friends, even my new roomie. My first time.”

I resisted the urge to put my arm around her, gripping the log harder instead, staring harder ahead.

“He’d used condoms, and then, at his urging, I’d sorted birth control from the campus health office. Whatever mix-up in timing or lack of effectiveness, I’d gotten pregnant. After I took the test—oh, I don’t know, like five times—I called David and left a message for him to call me. No details, just call me ASAP.”

Rose stopped and sucked in a big breath. “He must have sensed something because he ghosted me. He didn’t call back, he blocked me on his phone, he never answered his door or my emails, and my letters were returned. My roommate, Lauren—you know her, my girl Lauren—found me sitting on my bed in our dorm room, in shock, crying. She took over, thank heavens.

“We called my parents—her translating, me sobbing—and then she drove me home. This was right before the holiday break, but I was in no shape to take my finals. I walked through the front door into Mom’s arms, and Dad was right there holding us both. We cried and talked and cried some more…and decided that we were keeping the baby for our very own. I dropped out of school, moved back home…and Finn was born the following summer.

“Happiest day of my life, hands down. Best thing that’s ever happened to me. No regrets. And aside from a few judgmental types, our family, our neighbors and my girls have stepped up to help raise Finn.It takes a villageand all that.”

Rose rocked back and forth on the log. “Probably more than you wanted to know. Probably not too sexy. But I wanted you to know why I’m so cautious…and why I want to be clear about what we each expect.”

I reached over and untangled her cold hands to hold them in mine, trying to rub some warmth into them. “There’s more, isn’t there?” I asked.

“Yes, a couple of things that you may be wondering about…or not. But here goes anyway. All designed to make my almost middle-aged-self more attractive to you.”

If I hadn’t been rubbing her hands, I would have grabbed her shoulders to give her a good shake for her silliness. Instead, I jammed close to her and kept at my rubbing.

“So why we didn’t go after David for child support? During the months before Finn was born, we talked it out as a family and decided we needed the peace more than the aggravation.

“However, one thing I’ve never told anyone?” Here, Rose turned her head to look me in the eye. “Not my mom, not my dad, not Lauren or the rest of my girls, and, heaven forbid, not my son. When Finn was about two, I contacted David. I tracked him online and found he was finishing up his master’s…still at Oregon. I used Mom’s cell phone so he wouldn’t recognize my number.”

She hesitated. “I guess… I guess…I just wanted to give him another chance to get to know his son. Not renew our relationship, not get married, not ask for money or other support. To get to be in the life of his own son, this wonderful boy.

“So you can guess how that went. He said horrible things, vile things—he claimed he wasn’t even sure Finn was his son. Implied I’d been a slut and had been sleeping around, when he knew,knew, that wasnotthe case. I was so shocked, it took me a moment. I hung up on him and cried…for the last time.”

At that, I dropped her hands and pulled her to me. I tucked her under my chin and hugged her as tightly as possible.How could I not?

After a couple of minutes, I asked casually, or so it seemed to me, “Where’s this guy now?” The fucker.

Rose was onto me. She stirred and said, “Nuh-uh….that’s sweet…I think. But nuh-uh. I don’t know, and I don’t want to find out. His name isnoton Finn’s birth certificate, and I’ve erased him from our lives.

“See, when Finn was old enough to start wondering why he didn’t have a daddy like the other kids, why we all had the same last name, I kept my explanation simple…and honest. I told him his dad had decided he wasn’t cut out to be a father and moved away before Finn was born. He accepted what I said without question—he already knew he was surrounded by love and by family.

“When Finn was older—high school age—I told him the whole story. Well, except for the phone call when he was two. Not for sympathy points, mind you. More so he could see the connection girls…and women…sometimes make between sex and feelings.”

Rose stopped there, pulled her hands back, and moved out of my embrace down the log. The tide was coming in, and the waves were getting louder. I had to lean down to hear what she said.

“Wow,” she breathed out. “How’s that for oversharing?”

Before I could reassure her, she went on. “So I told you all that to tell you this. Please don’t think I’ve been a hermit when it comes to sex. Sure, I didn’t see men when Finn was young because I thought it would be confusing to him. But later, I did ease into dating…and some casual connections that involved sex—always at the man’s place. Not lately, of course. However, I do have a good relationship, if you’d call it that, with Mister Vibrato.”

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