Page 77 of Play With Me

With her tone firm, she gave me that look from underneath her lashes and my dick instantly went limp. Still, I wasn’t giving up on her. Not now; not ever.

“You’re afraid of commitment, but like it or not, you’ve already committed to me, my queen. You may want to run away from this, but I’m not going to let you off that easy. Others may have in the past, but I’m not like any other man.”

Shocked by my own words, I sucked in a sharp breath. For the first time since Marissa died, I felt hopeful. I felt excited that maybe there was a way I could make things right. Maybe there was a way to give Sophie the kind of family she deserved, but only with Lola. To be honest, I was ready to have that family too. If I could only overcome Lola’s dislike for kids and stop her from pushing me away at the weirdest of moments, we’d be golden.

“Are you hearing me, Madman? Do you understand that this … whatever is happening between us … won’t last? I mean, it’s nice, and I really like you, and the sex is amazing, but it won’t last. I may look committed to you now, but don’t give yourself too much hope.”

“Why?”

As she pushed her pointer finger into my chest I took her hand into mine and just held it, staring at her from above, wondering whether her eyes could answer all the questions I had for her. She had to believe in us just a little bit. I knew what I felt. I saw all the pain and happiness in her eyes every time we made love. For fuck’s sake, I saw it in her eyes every time she looked at me. We were worth it, and I knew it. We were worth a try at the least.

“Because happiness never lasts. It’s logical. Think about it. We’re not immortal. We’re not forever. Ultimately someone dies, and the other person is left on their own. Do you know what being left alone feels like?” She stopped again. I saw her eyes close as if she were searching through memories. When she seemed to have gathered the strength to say what was on her mind, she finally opened them, “It feels like you’re trying to swim through a Category Five hurricane. A hurricane that keeps circling and never goes away. It mixes and tumbles everything you ever believed in, and nothing can ever be in order or make sense ever again. I… I never want to feel that again.”

Lola gasped, and that was the first moment I understood her. It was that single moment when I knew her pain better than anyone, yet I myself wasn’t brave enough to tell her my truth.

“Again?” I asked, and she shook her head. When the tears in her eyes were on the verge of spilling, she turned around, ready to leave but I grasped her by her wrist.

“Let me go!” She yanked her arm away.

“Lola, you can talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk to you. We need to get back to the campsite.”

“This is killing you on the inside. If you don’t talk to me, then who are you going to talk to?”

The hair sticking out from underneath her beanie would freeze as soon as the first wind blasted against her head.

“Look, I don’t need to talk to anyone. I knew getting involved was a mistake. See what’s happening here? This is my life.” She gestured with her arm around the forest, and I realized that she was making yet another excuse to not acknowledge what I knew she felt deep in her heart. She was afraid to give us a true chance. She was afraid of risking it all because she’d already lost it once. “This fucked-up fighting that goes on in the world and these assholes in the mountains who do God knows what isn’t worth it. People die, they’re hurt, they have diseases and pain and shit. I can’t handle all the emotions attached to these things. It sucks. Crying sucks, and I’m not having any of it, you hear me?”

Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and I wiped them away. She flinched at my touch and then pulled in a long sniffle. My heart was crying for her. I could see that she was desperate to break through, but it was so hard for her. I waited for her to spill all the words, spill her tears, and spill her heart so that I could catch it all and make it all right again.

“Lola, that’s part of life. You can’t avoid the bad times. Fights are part of life as much as fucking or swimming.”

I could tell I’d been spending more and more time with Lola because I was beginning to sound like her as well. I wasn’t making much sense, but Lola’s brain worked differently so maybe she would understand me. The sky had completely gone black, and rain poured from the heavens as if it all wanted to come down at the same time.

“This can’t get any better. It’s all a mistake. We’re a mistake,” she screamed over the roar of water streaming through the rocks, over leaves, and down crevices. Her words felt like a slap in my face. Actually, they felt more like a wrecking ball slamming into the middle of my chest over and over again.

I pulled on her wrist until her soaked body slapped against mine, water splashing from between us, and I took her into my arms. “Fuck you if you think this is a mistake.” I held her tight to ensure she knew I was serious. I wasn’t letting go. I wouldn’t let her give up on what I knew was the right thing that quickly. “I’m not going to let you run, my queen. You don’t get to pull the plug on one of the best things that has ever happened to me.”

She looked up at me through her soaked lashes, and I watched all the anger and fear she’d had on her face earlier wash away with the few rain drops that fell off her hair and over her cheeks. That rare vulnerability filled Lola’s eyes, and I was lost in them. I was lost in her.

“You think I’m one of the best things?” she asked.

“I know you are. One of the greatest. You just need to give us a chance. Don’t think months or years ahead because we don’t know what the future will bring. Think about today. Think about the now and how good it feels to be in my arms. You may want to deny it because you’re a strong woman who doesn’t need a man, but it still feels pretty darn fucking good, doesn’t it?”

I brought her even closer, tightening my arms to strengthen that hold I needed to have on her for at least a few more stolen moments. From the side, I caught a glimpse of a smile, and I knew that all hope was not yet lost.

“But I do need you. It’s not easy to say it, but I do need you. I don’t want to, but I do.” Her voice was barely audible, but it was enough.

“Good, because I need you too, and I understand about not wanting to need anyone. You’re afraid it will end at the snap of your fingers. You’re afraid that the happy moment that we’d like to last forever will be taken away from you. And I can’t promise you that it won’t because life is life. I can promise you, though, thatIwon’t. I will not leave you, and I won’t do anything to hurt you, Lola. Not today, not tomorrow, and not for as long as you let me be in your life.”

Her eyes and mouth were wide open, and I took the opportunity to kiss her nose and then her forehead before she rested her head on my shoulder, succumbing to my words.

“Are you playing with me, Madman?” she whispered.

“If I am, then this is the best game I’ve ever played. Except at the end I’m hoping that we’ll both be winners.”

The downpour changed to a slow drizzle, and I felt the rain soak into my undershirt. Lola began shivering in my arms.

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