Page 47 of Run with Me

“I know. I just… I need a little bit more time.” I grabbed the sweats from the chair and jumped intothem.

Xavier didn’t know the demons I fought every night when I dreamt about bulls chasing me. Every single time I thought about checking in with John, I felt like I was giving up on our baby because if Ben ever found me, he’d killme.

Xavier looked up from where he was sitting on the beige carpeting, and his excitement morphed into seriousness. “John should be here for this, Anna. He should be the one enjoying these moments.” He paused, scrunching his brows. It hurt me to hear these words, and Xavier knew that. It hurt me that I was hurting John so much. “He should at leastknow.”

“Soon,” I replied. “I’ll find a way to tell him soon. But I’m glad you mentioned him because I need a favor. You’re going away on business after New Year’s, and I was wondering whether you were going to a different state – because if you are, then maybe you could mail another postcard forme?”

“Of course.” He fixed his gaze on me, I was afraid that somehow, he was reading my mind. I was afraid that all my secrets were written on my face and it’d only be some time before he figured them out. I could tell he was thinking because his left ear twitched a little when he was lost in thought. He finally caught my stare and smiled. “You know, you can write him a letter.”

“I think a postcard will be sufficient. John would see through my words if I wrote a letter. He’d see that something wasn’t right, and I don’t want to worry him. And if he could see through it, then so could someone who catches it in transit.” I shook my head. “I can’t take that chance. I can’t go back there until the Cortez family is gone. Like reallygone.”

“You don’t have to leave, Anna.” I didn’t expect to hear that. I sat down at the bed’s edge and reached for the postcard I’d filled out earlier. The simple design of two hearts, the outline of a small one wrapped around the edge of the larger one, seemed appropriate on more than one level. On the backside, I’d scribbled down the quote I knew he’d understand: “Learn from yesterday, Live for today, and Hope for tomorrow.”

I passed the postcard to Xavier. He turned it in his hand, looking at the picture cover.

“It’s okay, you can read it,” Isaid.

He flipped the card over and looked at me in confusion. “That’sit?”

“Yes. I’ve sent one before.” I recalled the longer cryptic note I’d written on the back of the postcard Jack had mailed when I first came to New York. “This is just a follow up. I don’t want John worried aboutme.”

“It’s the quote on your parents’ crypt. You’re not going to tell him about thebaby?”

“It’s what he needs to hear right now. I can’t tell him about our baby on a postcard. It’s too personal.”

“It’s not right to keep him in the dark; and that’s what it is, Anna. John should know that you’re carrying his child. He would want to behere.”

My pulse quickened as I imagined it was John’s hand smoothing over my belly, connecting with our daughter. I pictured the surprise on his face and the happiness in his eyes every morning when the sun rose and every evening when it went to sleep. Xavier was right. John needed to know. But was the risk too great? The thought of holding my newborn baby’s limp body in my arms the way I’d held Mikey coursed through me like a plague. I couldn’t live through another day like the one when I’d lost my baby boy. My stomach clenched and I rushed into the bathroom and threw up into the toilet. This confirmed that my choice was the rightone.

“Anna, I’m sorry.”

I quickly rinsed my mouth in the sink and dabbed it dry with a towel.

“It’s all right. It’s just a little more complicated than I thought.”

Actually, I wasn’t sure what I was thinking, to be exact. I was a mother struck with sudden grief that still lingered in my body. Heck, I’d never even gotten a chance to grieve Mikey before I was thrown into a new life. Protecting my unborn child from the monster who had already taken one away from me was my number one priority.

“After New Year’s. I’ll figure out a way to get in touch with him then. It will be before the baby comes, I promise. Maybe Ben will be gone aswell.”

“I can find out if he’s gone. Just say theword.”

Gone.The word rang in my ears over and over again. I joined Xavier’s gaze, and the hairs on my arms rose. I wanted Ben gone so badly that it hurt. My conscience struggled daily because to commit the same sin as Ben had – to take a life – was definitely tempting. It didn’t matter that he’d go to hell. It didn’t matter that I’d join him there, either, if I killed. I wanted blood — his blood. I wanted him six feet under. He’d killed not only my parents, but also mybaby.

“He’ll only be gone if he’s dead. I’ll never feel safe while he’s alive. I’m never going to let him near my baby again.”

By the time I realized what I said, it was already toolate.

“Again? Anna, have you had a baby before?”

I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t say the words because saying them out loud would make it real all over again. Xavier let out a painful sigh, and I broke down. He caught me in his arms as I fell off the edge of the bed. Xavier held me against him as I cried. I sobbed so hard that I could barely catch a breath. It lasted a while because Mary came over with Jack, and Xavier asked them to wait in the living room. We were supposed to have a Christmas Eve dinner at Xavier’s and I’d ruined it, but at the moment, food was the last thing on mymind.

I wasn’t sure how long he held me like that, but by the time I was ready to breathe without the support of his arms, it was already dark outside. Xavier lifted me up into his arms and sat me down in a chair.

“Don’t move. Do you know what this evening brings?”

I looked up with my questioning eyes. Some of my eyelashes were stuck together and Xavier appeared from behind afog.

“What?” I pulled in a sniffle and wiped the corner of myeye.

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