Page 57 of Run with Me

What just happened?

My heart was racing, my legs were shaking, and my mind was spinning with impure thoughts about a man who wasn’t even emotionally available.

I loveJohn.

I quickly pulled my hair into a bun and went to the kitchen. Wearing his jogging pants, Xavier was sitting on the living room couch. His elbows were resting on his knees and he was holding his head between his hands. I grabbed a pen and dated the last bag of milk I’d pumped earlier before placing it in the freezer.

“Xavier?”

“I shouldn’t have donethat.”

“I should look for a place thisweek.”

His head flew up. “I like having you here. I like having Hope here aswell.”

“I know, but this isn’t good for you or me. We can’t be together. We won’t be together because I love John. He’s Hope’s father.”

“I know, Anna. I know.” Pained sadness filled his eyes, and I realized that my words hurthim.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, and turned around to head to myroom.

“What are you sorry for?” he asked before I could leave.

I moved past the dining table and took a turn to sit on the couch beside Xavier. The only thing as bad as not having John here with me would be to have one of the few people I could count on be upset withme.

“I’m sorry for bringing chaos into your life,” Isaid.

“The only things you brought into my life are love and hope. Live for today, remember? That’s why I’m not sorry for kissing you. I never will be. My palate can finally validate that you taste like a sunflower. And all I have left to do now is hope for tomorrow.”

Xavier’s eyes sparked with an emotion I hadn’t seen before. It was mixed with a need and a sense of urgency at the sametime.

“Xavier, I’m sorry… you know that we can’t…”

“I know. Still, I’m grateful for having you here the past year, and I wouldn’t change the time we’ve had for anything. All I want is for you to be happy and for Hope to be healthy.” His gaze shifted to the side. “I think she’ll be okay now, and I guess it’s time for me to make sure that you’re happy as well. I realize that the only way to do that is to get you toJohn.”

I was happy and sad at the same time. I was grateful for my new friendships, and I would forever be indebted to both Jack and Mary until the day I died. And Xavier, who had sacrificed not only his personal life and space but had also given me everything an expectant mother needed and so much more, would forever hold a special place in my heart. I knew I wouldn’t have survived New York without him. If it weren’t for him, that constant emptiness in my heart would have been unbearable. I didn’t know how, but somehow Xavier managed to soothe thepain.

“I am happy. I just think that I’m too happy. And guilty. I feel guilty as well. I need to seeJohn.”

“I’ll send someone next week to check for us, but we should still wait a few more months, at least until maybe we can leave Hope with Mary. Anna, I’ve heard the rumors about what happened to Mikey firsthand, and I think I would die if anything like that ever happened toHope.”

I felt shivers cover my arms. They swept there first before marching through my body like an army, shouting with warning.

“Okay, if Mary can take care of Hope in two months, we’ll go. No matter what. Please promise me that, Xavier. I don’t think I can stand keeping her away from John much longer.”

When he looked up, I saw a shade of sadness pass across his eyes. It broke my heart. I shouldn’t have let him kiss me like that. I shouldn’t have given him any hope when there was none. Yet at that moment, I’d felt my heart beat with an argument stronger than a thousand comets falling all atonce.

“I promise that when Hope is well and September comes, I’ll take you to see John. I will go with you to Pace to tell him about his daughter, and I’ll do everything to ensure our trip issafe.”

“I’m sorry, Xavier.”

“For what? You need to stop apologizing for… for feeling. You did nothing wrong.”

“I’m hurting you by staying here. I know I’m confusingyou.”

I was confused as well. While my heart yearned for John, it also ached for Xavier. The past year I’d spent here had tied me to this man more than I’d realized.

“You’ve done nothing to confuse me, Anna. What a heart wants is what a heart wants. I can’t change that, and neither canyou.”

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