Page 46 of Run with Me

Thanksgiving came and went.Days passed in a long sequence of shopping, assembling, journaling and sorting all the baby things that Mary would need to raise her child. For the past month, I’d spent every waking hour with Mary. We went shopping for baby clothes; chose the paint color for the nursery; and bought a crib, a bassinette, a swing, a bouncy contraption I had no idea how to use, and a playpen. And those were just the sleeping items, because when Mary went shopping, waving her arms up and down at the helpers while a line of full carts followed her, the stores never closed. They all loved her and that small plastic card in her purse.

“The key is for them to want to be you,” she explained. “Then they’ll not only help you, but will also love you sometimes more than they love their mothers.”

It had to be said that Mary definitely had a unique approach to people. From the salary she had paid me, I had saved enough money for my first month’s rent, but only if I moved out of Manhattan. I’d seen some nice neighborhoods on Long Island when Xavier took me out for a few weekend strolls, and they were definitely more affordable, but if I moved I’d also lose my job as Mary’s personal assistant – the commute would have been too long. So for now, I was still living in Xavier’s upscale apartment, and if I was going to raise this baby on my own, I had to stick with the job I was given for a while longer.

During the past week leading up to Christmas, it had been more difficult not to feel nostalgic. John and his family had been on my mind every day. I missed him with my whole heart, and while I did miss my town, I would be lying if I said I didn’t like living on the other side of the country much more. I loved it here, and I loved the people around me. New York was becoming part of me, and I was quickly becoming part of the city that never slept. Living away from Pace became easier and more difficult at the same time. Easier, because life without Ben was simple; more difficult, because my heart was breaking each time I thought about our baby and how much I wanted her to grow up with her father andme.

Would John come to New York if he knew about thebaby?

I touched my hand to the pillow around my stomach. Mary thought it would be a good idea to remain in disguise when we shopped, and Ben would definitely not be looking for an overtly pregnant woman. He hadn’t even known I was pregnant to begin with, and if I had anything to do with it, he never would. Looking at myself in the mirror, I barely recognized the reflection. Mary had lent me sunglasses, a large hat with flowers and feathers, a scarf, and jewelry. Everything I borrowed of course stayed in my room, as my new best friend insisted that it was either the wrong color for her, the wrong size or style, or she’d simply gotten bored with anitem.

Mary was quickly becoming the sister I never had. I couldn’t even begin to count the many ways in which I was grateful, and I prayed every night that God would give me the opportunity to show them my appreciation. I would be indebted to them all until the day Idied.

At this moment, I figured that if I helped Mary up to the birth of her little one, I’d have enough money and time to find a different job on Long Island. Xavier took me there last week again, right after the first snowfall, for burgers. The neighborhoods on Long Island he’d shown me were quiet. Most of them were the size of Pace, with parks and trails. Everyone smiled and waved and wished one another Merry Christmas. Best of all, it was near the ocean, which I had yet to see. Xavier told me we’d go there this spring when all the trees were blooming. Everything in this part of the world looked so colorful, even in winter. The way all the Christmas lights were reflected in the snow took my breath away. The holiday colors never stood out against the backdrop of orange and brown tones back in Arizona.

“I’m afraid that walking in on you is becoming a habit I need to drop.” I jumped up at Xavier’s voice. He was standing in the doorway to my bedroom, regarding me, scanning my body to the point where I felt the heat of his stare on my skin, and then added, “Or maybenot.”

I should have expected this to happen. It seemed that each time I changed clothes, Xavier had a way of popping up out of nowhere. I pulled a fluffy pillow against my body, somewhat covering myself. I was still in a t-shirt and panties but without a bra, and I was afraid that it was the main reason the bulge in his pants was beginning to increase in size. My boobs had been gaining in size aswell.

My breath felt heavy, and I could see the pulse on his neck speed up as he took a dangerous step toward me and then stopped, as if regretting hismove.

Up until now, Xavier had respectfully kept his distance. Our relationship quickly turned into friendship, except I was beginning to see so much more in him than a friend, and that scaredme.

He looked up again and took two more confident steps. I felt so small, standing in front of him, looking up, and so vulnerable, literally torn away from my own world and thrown into his, that all the changes were beginning to break me apart. It was so confusing. All these emotions I was feeling at once – grief, vengeance, joy, sadness, gratitude – all swelled inside me and I didn’t know which one would surface next. I hadn’t realized that love was even part of the equation, but that’s exactly what I felt when Xavier looked atme.

“May I touch it, Anna?” He pointed to my belly, and I felt my mouth dropopen.

“Yes, of course.” I moved the filled pillow aside. Watching his hand hover beneath my navel was like watching time slow down. I couldn’t wait for the touch of his palm on my skin, but I was afraid of it at the sametime.

“Is the baby kicking yet?” he asked.

“Sheis.”

“She?”

“I’m guessing it’s a girl because I’m carrying higherthan…”

I froze.

“Thanwhat?”

Over the past two months that I’d lived in New York, I’d managed to hold Mikey to myself. I kept him sealed deeply in my heart, where he would remain for the rest of my life. It still hurt more than anything. I could barely say his name in my thoughts, never mind out loud. The little hope growing in my tummy was the only thing I could hold on to. She was the reason I was here atall.

“Nothing.” I paused, probably for a little longer than I should have. “Mary’s carrying lower, and she thinks it’s a boy. That’sall.”

He reached for my belly, then knelt down in front of me. I held my breath when he put his ear against the skin below my navel. I felt everything inside me melt as I watched him from above.

The baby finally kicked, and Xavier jumpedback.

“Holy shit! It moved.”

“Yes, of course she moved.”

“That’s incredible.”

“I know. No matter how many times you think you’re used to it, it never gets old. I love it.” It was the same kind of love I’d felt when I was carrying Mikey.

“Anna, you need to tellJohn.”

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