Page 95 of F*ck Marriage

“That’s not true,” I argued. “What did I do to make you feel like that?”

“I made myself feel that way. In the beginning it was what drew me to you, how you were so sure of yourself. So capable and bright. Your brain reminded me of a big city, always lit up and spinning around and around. I was just always a small-town boy trying to make it in the big city.”

“Goddammit, Woods.”

“Just shush and listen, Billie.”

I closed my mouth. He held his sweating glass between his hands, but I hadn’t seen him drink anything.

He shook his head, curls falling all over. Woods and his big hands, and his big eyes, and his big curls. I always loved being underneath those hands.

“It was easy with Pearl. She thought I was the beginning and the end.”

His words were like an icy hand around my heart, fingers digging, digging. “So you left me for Pearl because she fed your ego? Bravo.” I was already turning away, finished with this conversation. The thief of love was ego. How weak was love that it could not sustain insecurity? Wasn’t it supposed to do the opposite?

“It wasn’t love…”

I stopped.

“Hear me out,” he said.

“I’m listening.”

He walked around to face me.

“What I felt for you was love. The poets, the philosophers—they say things about perfect love. How it heals, how it behaves, how it braves all things. But they’re idealizing it. Best-case scenario: love saves the day. But I was the worst-case scenario. Love is sometimes powerful enough to self-destruct. Because when an imperfect person wields the most powerful weapon in the universe, they’re bound to trip over their own feet.”

“How can you say this to me now?” My voice lifted and warped like old linoleum. Words that could have saved me before—saved us before—given too late.

“I’m just a stupid man, Billie. You always had too much faith in me.”

It was true ... maybe. But it wasn’t Woods I put my faith in, it was love. I believed it to be the ultimate redeemer, never considering that when something so perfect was handed to the imperfect, it was misused.

“I meant it when I said forever. But I overshot my ability to fulfill that promise. And I’m sorry.”

My heart swelled with hurt and flowed into my chest. I let myself feel it rather than pushing it away like I normally did.

“Do you love her?“ I asked.

“Yes.”

“Good,” I said. “Treat her better.”

This time my feet didn’t drag when they walked away.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

That’s how we left it and that’s how I think it is going to stay.

I spend a magical and unexpected Christmas with Satcher, during which my heart swells to three times its size. I barely remember that I’m an emotional cripple, that I have abandonment issues, or that I’m in New York for revenge. I’m just Billie, happy Billie ... fun Billie ... witty Billie. Some people have a way about them. They make you feel like ... an unencumbered version of yourself. An alternate reality Billie.

Two days after Christmas, I’m on Satcher’s couch in my pajamas working on some last-minute things for the blog. Satcher left before I was awake, so I’m alone with my foot propped up when the knock sounds on his door. I frown at the disturbance, wondering if I should get up or just pretend no one’s home. Since no one buzzed up, it’s probably a neighbor. I decide to ignore it, settling back into the couch, but then the knock comes again, harder this time.

Cursing, I struggle off the couch and hobble over, just as the intensity of the knocking increases. Whoever is on the other side of that door is about to get a mouthful from me. I fling open the door without looking through the peephole and find myself face-to-face with Woods. I gasp, and it’s sort of funny. Who gasps in real life? He has about four days’ worth of stubble along his jaw and he’s wearing glasses instead of his contacts. I think back to the last time I saw Woods wear glasses, college maybe.

“What are you doing here?” It sounds more aggressive than I intended, but I square my jaw and stare him down.

My place in New York is changing, my feet finally finding solid ground. I may have moved back for the wrong reasons, but I am going to make a life here for the right ones.

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