Page 60 of F*ck Marriage

I lick my bottom lip trying to think up a good lie. We both know he has no right to ask me that, but I can’t look away from his eyes. I shrug. “Woods.”

“Ugh, Billie…” He leans back on his haunches, shaking his head.

The only light in my bedroom comes from the streetlight outside. I wonder why he hasn’t turned the light on as I study his face in the near dark.

“Shut up,” I say. “Don’t lecture me.”

I fall backward into the comforter and hear him laugh softly. My packet of frozen peas has fallen to the floor. I turn my head sideways and stare at it, my eye throbbing. I’ve hardly eaten anything today, the dinner Jules made mostly pushed around my plate. No wonder the liquor hit me this hard.

I expect him to leave after he helps with the shoe situation, but he very gently peels off my jeans and then lifts my shirt over my head. I’m lying on my back in my underwear staring up at him.

“What happened? You were in a better place. You’d moved on from the shit with Woods.”

“And by shit, you mean my eight-year relationship with the love of my life?”

“Oh, come off it, Billie. The love of your life doesn’t leave you for another woman.”

We’re both silent, me weighing his words. I’d be lying if I said they didn’t hurt. It’s fine for me to know that Woods hadn’t really loved me, but everyone else knowing it makes me want to cry.

“He made a mistake.”

“You’re damn right he did. And he’s the type of guy who makes those mistakes. Pearl will be no exception.”

I think of our kiss, Woods’ lips so soft against mine. I hardly believe he’d go home and confess to Pearl about it.

“I was in a better place because of you,” I blurt.

My hand wants to reach up and cover my own mouth. I flex my fingers. No. I’ll own this. This is what I feel and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Except maybe of the fact that I’m still lying in my underwear while we argue. I reach for a blanket and sit up, wrapping it around my shoulders. I don’t feel quite as drunk anymore.

“I was falling for you, Satcher. But that proved to be a stupid thing to do, didn’t it? I suppose I should have consulted with the graveyard of hearts you’ve accumulated over the years.” I start to turn away, but his voice comes back at me, angry.

“That’s not fair. You pushed me away. You’re still in love with your ex-fucking-husband.”

He’s right, of course, but it’s not like he saw us as serious. I was just his in-between girl; the basic bitch he fucked in-between his model girlfriends.

“Right. And you really fought back on that one!”

“Holy shit, Billie…” He slides his hand through his hair. “It’s like you’re setting me up to fail.”

He stands, turning to leave.

“Woods told me why you fought,” I blurt this when his hand is on the doorknob. “Is it true? You hit him when he cheated on me?”

“I hit him because he cheated on you,” he says without turning around.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why would I?”

“I don’t know ... because you stood up for my honor!”

“You left. None of us saw or heard from you for two years. And don’t forget what sent you to that place, Billie, where you left everything you loved and crawled into a hole for two years of your life.”

“Why are you saying that?” I pull the blanket tighter around my shoulders. The room feels like it’s shrinking in on us. Is this the way truth is supposed to feel—claustrophobic?

“Because I can see it all over your face. You’re falling for him again.”

If I try to deny it, Satcher will see right through me. I bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from lying.

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