Page 28 of Unstoppable You

Book club ended up being…odd.Of course, James had sat right beside me so she could make me maximum uncomfortable. I was used to leading these things and having people look at me, but having James look at me was different. I couldfeelit against my skin like a caress.

Normally I had no problem leading and focusing, but I kept having to redirect my attention whenever she breathed, which was all the time. Even a little twitch snagged my focus and I swear I lost my train of thought at least fifteen times. Somehow, I made it through and didn’t stumble too much, but I’d been so close to turning to her and demanding that she leave.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I made it to the end but then she hung around. Because she couldn’t torture me enough, apparently. At least she was helpful. I got home a half hour earlier than I would have, which was very nice. Bonus, I didn’t have to work at the shop tomorrow so I could sleep in before I had to get up and pack my shop orders from the week and get them shipped out.

For now, though, I wanted to drink some tea with honey and read the really good book that I’d started yesterday until I passed out in bed. A good ending to the night.

If only James hadn’t been there. The night would have been completely perfect.

Freaking James. She was so obviously trying to get back into my good graces. Why, I didn’t know. Guilt leftover from childhood? Was she one of those people who hated it when someone didn’t like them? I wasn’t sure, but it was getting to me. She was getting to me.

The night was over, though, and book club wasn’t for another month. I’d switched my Pilates classes so I wouldn’t see her, and I didn’t work every day at the bookshop. The odds of me just bumping into her were small-ish. It was much easier to avoid her when we weren’t walking the same school hallways.

It didn’t matter. James wasn’t going to be a part of my life going forward. I had other things on my mind.

Several times a day, I looked at my Fuckit List and tried to plan out when I was going to accomplish each goal. It was all well and good to put “skinny-dipping” on a list and imagine doing it, but the logistics were another story.

It wasn’t like I could go to the pool at the gym and just hop in sans suit. My most likely place to take the plunge was somewhere isolated at night. Would I be safe from men and/or bears? Would I be safe from partying teenagers who wouldn’t hesitate to film me and share my pale ass all over the internet? And what about the water temperature? So many things to consider.

Some items, like playing blackjack at a casino would require travel and definitely someone to come with me. Going to a casino to gamble alone was just too pathetic to consider. I’d have to rope in Larison and maybe let her in on some of my list items. I didn’t think she’d make fun of me for it. Maybe I should have added things like “run a marathon” or “donate to charity” or other more worthy items on my list. Maybe I’d put them on later after I’d gotten the rebellion out of my system.

* * *

“So I made a list,”I announced to Larison while I was over at her place for brunch. Juniper was flitting around, bopping us on the head with her new sparkly wand and trying to cast spells on us. Right now, she was highly entertained by yelling “freeze!” and we would stop moving until she “unfroze” us with a garbled incantation that kept changing. It made holding a conversation difficult, but she was having the time of her life, so I wasn’t going to be a bad sport. She was an adorable and precocious girl, and it was going to be fun to see the person she became when she got older.

“What kind of list?” Larison asked, one eye on me and one on Juniper as she ate her pancakes. I’d showed up with a bacon, egg, and hashbrown casserole since they were providing the pancakes and the table and chairs and so forth.

I loved being with their little family because it made me think of my own and growing up as the only child.

“Ummm, well, it’s a Bucket List. But instead of beginning with a b, it begins with an f.” I waited for them to figure it out.

“Oh, interesting,” Jo said, pushing her glasses up her nose. “And what made you decide to do that?”

“What do you think? Connor.”

“Yuck!” Juniper said and I turned to look at her. She grinned and swung her feet under the table.

Larison and Jo shared a look. “So we might have said ‘gross’ a few times when talking about you and him and she might have picked up on it and we didn’t discourage her,” Larison said, looking a little pleased and sheepish at the same time.

I burst out laughing. “You can yuck him all you want.” It was kinder than what I would have said.

“Anyway, it inspired me to do the things that I always held back or told myself not to do. I feel like I don’t have any good stories, you know? I’ve never done anything interesting. I feel like all I do is work and read books and talk to my parents and hang out with you.” It wasn’t the worst life, but it wasn’t the most exciting one either. Not the life I had envisioned.

“I want to make some bad decisions. I never make bad decisions. I always have to consider things from every angle, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being responsible and conscientious.”

“Con-sci-en-tious,” Juniper repeated as she stabbed her fork into her pancakes. “Jo Jo, what does that mean?”

It was beyond precious the way Juni talked to Jo.

“It means you think about the consequences of something before you do it. Like before we splash in the bath, we think about if it’s going to make a big mess for someone to clean up.”

Juniper watched Jo speak with rapt attention. “Ohhhh. I understand. Why doesn’t Laney want to be ’scientious?”

All the attention turned to me. Great. How was I going to explain this?

I looked at Larison and Jo for a lifeline. Larison tossed me one.

“Sometimes, Juni, people think about too many consequences that might not happen and they scare themselves out of taking risks. Does that make sense?”

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