Page 9 of Her Dark Salvation

“That’s not a face I’d want someone to make while talking about having sex with me.”

David Lancaster was a professor of chemical engineering at MIT who I’d met through my running club. We’d been on a few dates, the last of which had ended in a less than remarkable trip to the bedroom.

I pointed my sandwich at Jeff. “And yet, it pretty much sums up the experience.” I widened my eyes and took a bite.

He winced. “Ouch.”

He scrubbed a hand across his scalp. “All right. I don’t have a doctorate like some people…” He winked, and I snorted. “So, I’m gonna need you to help me out here because I’m not following. Your parents, kids, glasses, bad sex… What does any of this have to do with taking a sabbatical?”

I swallowed. This was the hard part. The part I hadn’t admitted to anyone. The part that made me feel old and lost and frantic. “They’re reminders. Reminders that the clock is ticking. My eyes aren’t as good as they used to be. What’s going to go next? My love life continues to underwhelm. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get to experience true love, and that kills me. I don’t have a family of my own, just you and my parents, and they’re not getting any younger.

“Time isn’t stopping, Jeff. It’s speeding ahead like a bullet train, and I keep asking myself, is this it? Is this really all there is? Is my life just my career?”

He raised an eyebrow. “A pretty spectacular career.”

“Yes.” I nodded. “And don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret it. At all. I’ve loved teaching. It’s been rewarding helping the kids, especially the ones who really need it. And I’ve been successful with my research.”

“Understatement.”

“But I feel—I feel trapped. Limited. And I can’t pretend that my career wasn’t shaped, in part, by what other people told me I could and couldn’t handle.”

“Now, wait a minute, Anna?—”

“Dean Fletcher emailed me right before the break and let me know I’d been passed over for the Deloitte partnership. They gave it to Jeannie Craft. I have no delusions as to why they did it, and spoiler alert, it’s not because she’s more qualified.”

Jeff scowled. “That really pisses me off.”

“Yup. And over the break, I kept thinking about how many days were left until the start of the semester and I had to teach again and hold office hours and file my grant application and this…” I shook my hands searching for the right words, my shoulders tensing. “This impending sense of doom, this overwhelming dread, it took over and it kept getting worse and worse. This sense of urgency I have to live my life, it won’t let up. I don’t want to feel trapped anymore.”

My breath came in short gusts. I closed my eyes and rested a hand over my heart to calm the panic that rose every time I thought about my future. When I opened my eyes, Jeff’s were filled with empathy and worry.

“We only get so much time on this planet, and that clock keeps on ticking. Every. Single. Day. And if the only thing I have is my career, if that’s all I’ve got to show for it, why am I living according to someone else’s definition? What the hell have I done with my life?”

“Jesus, Anna.” He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. I reached for my water with shaking fingers, but he intercepted my hand and held it. Steadied it. Steadied me. “You weren’t kidding. We’re way past Botox.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I had no idea you were going through any of this. Why didn’t you say something?”

“I don’t know. I thought I was being self-indulgent. Figured this was a phase, that these feelings would go away. But they haven’t gone away. If anything, they’ve gotten worse.”

“I’m a terrible friend. I should have read the signs, but…” He blew out a slow breath. “I don’t know. The quiet life of a professor always seemed to suit you. You aren’t exactly a social butterfly.”

I released his hand and grabbed my glass, hoping a sip of water might wash down the bitter taste of Jeff’s words. “True. But I’m not the painfully shy woman you met back at Harvard either. Remember how badly I used to clam up?”

“I haven’t seen deer-in-the-headlights Anna in years.” The corners of his eyes crinkled with the teasing.

“Exactly. I’m never going to be the outgoing life of the party. That’s just not me. But I can hold my own, especially when it comes to work. And I don’t want to get to my parents’ age and regret not having pursued my dream to work in industry.

“I know it’s not going to fix my eyesight. And Prince Charming isn’t going to swoop in on a white stallion to give me mind-blowing orgasms.” Jeff’s shoulders shook with laughter. “But it’s a start. It’s something. And at least I can say I tried.”

“I’m so proud I get to call you my best friend.” He beamed a wide, sparkling smile, and the truth of his words reflected in his eyes. “You’re a remarkable woman, Anna. You know that, right?”

My heart squeezed with the warmth of his sincerity. “Thanks. Right now, I feel remarkably lost, but thanks.”

His smile took on a mischievous bend. “Lucky for you, your best friend owns Cambridge Management Group. This couldn’t be better timing. Come work for me. You can take that job yourself now that you’re on sabbatical.”

A new challenge. A chance to break out of my rut. An opportunity in the real world. My stomach fluttered with anticipation. “When would I start?”

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