Page 84 of The Outsider

“I think I want to go to college,” she said. “You asked me that. A while ago. If I ever thought about going to school. And I asked you if you had ever thought about going to the moon. It doesn’t feel like it’s on the moon anymore. Thank you. Because yeah, I give myself a lot of credit for this. But I owe you too. In a good way. Not a bad way. Not in the way that I think my dad or your dad would look at owing somebody.”

She didn’t know. Not really. That he had looked at it that way at one time too. And maybe that’s why he was so resistant to it now. Why it made him feel wary of the growing connection between them.

“Is there a good way to owe somebody? In my experience a debt is only bad.”

“Gratitude, then,” she said. “I guess I don’t have very much experience with that sort of thing. Not any more than you do. I don’t think. Or maybe I just like you, Sheriff. And I’m free to do that. And that feels pretty magical all by itself.”

He wanted to touch her. In that moment, looking at her felt like moonlight had burned through a gap in his own chest, and shone a light down on his soul. Right now, in the dark, with stars above them, it almost felt possible.

Almost.

Except he thought about what she had said. Looking at the end, right at the beginning. And the truth was, there could only ever be an end. And if he hurt Bix, he would hate himself for the rest of his life. He wasn’t his number-one fan as it was. But...

If he hurt her...

Well, there would be no point to much of anything.

“When you leave, promise me you’ll go to college,” he said.

“I will.”

“Promise me you’ll go on a lot of dates. Go to parties. Dances. Get a library card.”

She laughed, but it was trembling. “Sheriff...”

“I mean it. Check out every book you want.”

“What if I don’t want to kiss a lot of guys?” she asked him, her expression going serious.

She didn’t have to ask the rest of the question.

“You don’t have to, but you could. I think that’s more the point. You can do whatever you want. Hold on to this. Feeling free. Trust herself.”

“Okay, thanks. I will.”

They sat there, up in the tree, in silence. He looked at her, his body on fire. But it was more than that.

She set him on fire in a very specific way. An all-encompassing way. It didn’t just make him want to kiss her. It didn’t just make him want to touch her. He wanted to be like her.

“We should probably go,” she said. “I have to give a speech tomorrow and all of that.”

“Yeah,” he said. “You do.”

“I’ve never been the authority on anything. It’s weird, to be the authority on this. But I actually feel like I am. Like it’s real.”

“It is,” he said.

She had said that she was doing something permanent here. Something good. And he realized then he could too. He could do something good, something permanent for her. Before he sent her on her way. He wanted to be part of the good things that happened to her here. And he definitely never wanted to be a bad thing. Which was why he didn’t move nearer to her now. It was why he didn’t touch her.

Why he didn’t kiss her.

Even though he wanted to. It would be tempting to believe that meant he had found north in him.

The only north he’d found was her. The direction she was going. He was just a stop along the way.

But that reoriented him. Grounded him. Gave him purpose.

Gave him black-and-white back.

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