Page 55 of The Outsider

She frowned. “Well, he did keep me alive for the first several years of my life.”

“That’s not a gift. That’s the bare minimum. I know that you care about your dad. I know that part of you even admires him. But trust me. From the child of one narcissist to another. He doesn’t deserve your loyalty. He doesn’t get to hold you back, not anymore. You said you would do all those things if you were free to do them, if he hadn’t chosen your path for you. So choose it now. And let go of all his bullshit. You deserve better.”

“How do you know?” she whispered. “I mean, seriously, how do you know? What have I ever done to indicate that I deserve better? All I’ve managed to do is the job that you gave me, and then, I guess I didn’t steal from you. That’s not... that’s not exceptional.”

“That’s not true.”

“How can you say that? Look at you.”

“Look at me what?”

“You... you didn’t have to try at your dad’s lifestyle before you decided to be a decent human being.”

“You don’t know what I did or didn’t do,” he said. “Because we haven’t talked about it.”

“But you know about me.”

“I found you in the middle of what we could both agree is maybe a low moment.”

She recalled herself then. Skinny. Scabbed.

She lifted her chin up. “I don’t know that I would call it a low moment. It was a teachable moment. It was a moment rife for problem-solving.”

“And that is why you’re exceptional,” he said. “Because that’s how you see things. And that’s pretty amazing. When your dad, and the world in general, hasn’t given you much of a reason to be persistent, to be hopeful, you are. You have been. I’m proud of you for that.”

She despised herself for feeling so warmed by that. Knowing he was proud. It mattered so much, and she wished it didn’t. Because caring about the opinions of other people was kind of a dead end. At least, in her experience.

She hadn’t done it much. In fact, she had always felt that it was best to do it as little as possible.

If you didn’t care, you couldn’t be disappointed when they were disappointed in you.

She paused. “Wait a minute. So what is it about you that I don’t know?”

“A lot of things,” he said.

Like who he used those condoms with.

She did not say that. She felt flushed all the same.

“Like what?”

“My dad was kind of a loan shark.”

“A loan shark? I was unaware that small towns had such things.”

“Doing the kind of work that you do, you’re surprised about it?”

She wrinkled her nose. “I guess... No, I think I’ve seen people that are like that. You’re right, those are the sorts of people who hover around the edges of businesses like my dad’s.”

“My dad charged extortionate fees to loan people money, and then... he took everything. But he liked to trade in favors, plots of land. He cheated and hurt the people in this town. He would come in all charming, acting like he was offering to really fix something. But often, he would make sure that the situation and the terms of the agreement were impossible. He was good at that. There were other things he was into. Drug dealing and all that.” He cleared his throat.

“Oh hey,” said Bix. “Twinsies.”

He smiled ruefully. “Yeah. I didn’t know about the drugs.”

“Oh, I did,” she said, cheerfully.

“Anyway I was his... I went with him. I was there to be muscle. Just in case.”

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