Page 36 of The Outsider

“If you had a brick, Bix, what would you do with it?”

“Break your nose?”

There was something subtle that shifted in his expression. Something that made her heart go tight. That made her stomach swoop.

“You can’t even be serious for a second?”

“I’m serious.”

“No. You’re a liar. You’re a liar who’s afraid to give me a straight answer because you’re afraid to want something.”

She rolled her eyes. “Are you billing me for this hour?”

“If you had a brick,” he repeated, “what would you do with it? What would you build?”

“You might as well ask me what I’d do with a handful of stardust, Sheriff. Because I don’t have either.”

He lowered his head. “I think you want to do something. Otherwise you wouldn’t have those books. EvenAnne of Green GablesandOliver Twistare about making new lives out of nothing.”

“Look at you,” she said. “You read.”

He took a step toward her. It wasn’t threatening, but it sucked the air out of her lungs all the same. She didn’t think she had ever seen a man as physically perfect as he was in person before. All the lines were straight. Symmetrical. Beautifully drawn. His eyes were the most piercing blue, his hair dark brown and curling just at the back of his neck. He would almostbe pretty if it wasn’t for his size. Big and rough and broad. A warrior, she’d thought then.

Though there was no point thinking of him that way. There was no warrior coming to save her by holding her captive in a soft bed. It was a compelling fantasy. But one she only indulged in at her weakest moments. And right now, with Daughtry, she couldn’t afford to be weak.

“All I know is what Iwould’vedone,” she said, her frustration boiling over. “I would have gone to school. Every day. And maybe I would’ve made some friends. Friends my age.Girls. I would have read every book in the school library. I wasn’t even allowed to have a library card, Daughtry. Because it’s just another scam to get your information into the system. I would have gotten a summer job, and I would have bought myself nice clothes. I would’ve had a boyfriend, and he would have taken me to a dance. We would have broken up when we got into college, because I would never have let him hold me back. Because I would choose myself over a teenage relationship, but it’s fine because there would have been other guys later. I would have got my degree, and I would have... I would’ve done something. I wouldn’t be a skinny nobody living off of your charity.”

The last couple of words came out tremulously. And she hated herself for that. She hated that she was having these big, complicated feelings in front of him. That was the thing about living by herself. It was just easier. You never had to explain what was happening inside of you to another person. And consequentlyshe’d never had to explain it to herself all that well. She didn’t like this. She didn’t like feeling like her skin had been peeled back. Like she had been exposed to him. No. She didn’t like that at all.

But of course, she couldn’t just be mean to him. Because he was being nice to her. Except, it didn’t feel all that nice. It felt like a gift with an elaborate series of trip wires that she could easily get herself hung up on. Because he was making her deal with all this... this stuff. Because he was digging.

“You can’t have your childhood back,” he said. “And believe me, I understand the process of grieving that. My dad was a bastard. He was a narcissist who hurt the people around him, Bix. I get it. My mom left so she didn’t have to deal with him.”

His mom had left too. It stunned her, and she wasn’t quite sure why, to know that this perfect, gorgeous man had also been abandoned by his mother. It made her think that maybe... just maybe the issue wasn’t her. Because it happened to anybody. Really. If it could happen to him it could happen to anybody.

“I spent a long time regretting a lot of things about my childhood. And then I decided to take control of what I was doing now,” he continued.

“I have more baggage than you,” she said.

“That is true. It is. I’m not going to lie to you. I’m not going to say it’s not... not a thing. But there are people in the world who aren’t going to hold it against you forever. You just have to find them.”

“I like being alone. Because when I’m with people this kind of thing happens.”

“Somebody asks you to dig into your inconvenient truths?”

“It’s not about inconvenience. There’s just... Like I said, what’s the point?”

“The point is, eventually you have to own that this is your life.”

“Do I give you the impression that I’m someone who doesn’t own their own choices?”

He shook his head. “No. In fact, you seem very ready to own a whole bunch of bad choices. But when you give your explanations, I have a feeling that I’m hearing your dad come out of your mouth.”

He might as well have hit her. She would have hated it less. “I... I don’t... Who doesn’t carry forward the lessons they learned when they were a kid? Some of us didn’t get to learn lessons outside of our houses. So it’s all I have.”

“I’m standing right in front of you telling you that you have other options. You can’t claim ignorance on this.”

“The hell I can’t, Sheriff. In order to take your advice you have to prove to me that I can respect you.”

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