Page 123 of The Outsider

And there were any number of paths she could go down. Any number of lives that she could live. She had been given the gift of hope. And hope let her see so many options.

But she knew that she really wanted the one thing. More than anything. More than everything.

They walked beneath the trees, until they came to the old outbuilding. She stood there, staring at it. She remembered hiding under the floor when he had first come by. She knew an immense amount of sympathy for poor, scared Bix. She was poor scared Bix now, but she was scared in a different way.

And brave in a different way too. She didn’t feel impervious like she had. No. She felt soft. Susceptible to pain. Susceptible to being wounded. But she was almost proud of that. Very nearly.

“Nobody seems to be here,” he said. “Of course, they left all their junk.”

“We’ll clean it.”

She looked around the space. “I can’t believe it’s been just over two months since I was the one squatting here. I... It’s like a different life, but it’s mine.I know it is. Because I’ll never forget it. You saw them. My father, my brother. That’s what I come from. That’s what built me. It’s inescapable. But you... This place... It changed me. It broke me open. I was protecting myself, all this time. Hiding. Putting up wall after wall of defense to keep myself from being hurt. I had to do that. Because you know how hard it was. You know how cruel my childhood was. If I didn’t look out for me nobody would. But when that happens you become small and you become mean. I told you, what I wanted was to be healthy enough, wealthy enough, to be able to help other people. I think I just now realized it was more than that.” She let out a long breath. “Love always felt too expensive to me. I never loved anyone or anything. Never even a pet. I never could. I was afraid of it even. But that’s the part that keeps you hard. If you can’t love anything... not even a sunrise, not even where you are... then you’re just shrunken and cold.”

She paced in a circle in front of the cabin. “I caught a fish that day that you saw me. But I couldn’t chance cooking it, because you might see the fire smoke. I cried over that fish. Very nearly. That was the kind of thing that got to me. It was all I could allow myself to feel. But never for very long. Because I had to keep going. And here, with you, I’ve been able to stop and rest. I’ve been able to find things that I care about. Things that I love.”

And right then she turned to him. Then she could see it. The moment his face went flat, cold. The moment the walls started successfully being rebuilt.

“Don’t, Sheriff. Please.”

“Bix...”

“No. I have to tell you this. I have to. Because you need to know. As much as I need to love someone, Daughtry, you need somebody to love you. And I do.”

“No,” he said. “You don’t.”

“I do. Don’t insult me. Don’t insult either of us by pretending you’re the kind of man that thinks he can tell a woman what she feels, and I’m the kind of woman that needs to be told. Don’t do it.”

“I don’t want you to,” he said. “I made that very clear from the beginning.”

“You would’ve had to make it clear two months ago. I saw you, and I was lost. I just didn’t know it. Or maybe... maybe I was found. Maybe that’s the truth of it. The absolute truth of it. I was found the moment that I first saw you. You reached a hand down to me, and I took it, and it changed everything. And I just want to be able to change even one thing for you. Whether that’s cleaning off your bloody knuckles or loving you, just the way that you are, I want to do it.”

“You don’t get it. That person that you saw yesterday, that’s me. Unguarded. Unchanged. Before you, I never had any problems with that guy resurfacing. And I don’t want anything to do with somebody that makes me feel that way again. I know that I was justified in trying to help you. But that isn’t the point. The point is, I can be that way about anything. I don’t trust myself. And you sure as hell shouldn’t trust me. Look what I did to your brother. That was overkill.”

“It was,” she said. “And it was awesome. I liked it. Because nobody’s ever cared about me that much.”

“I don’t have to care about somebody that much to do that,” he said. “The truth is, they were on my land. He was about to touch my woman, and that sent me. That’s not about finer caring. That’s possessiveness. That’s the kind of thing my dad felt. If it was his, he was going to claim it, and he could justify anything in the name of that. If he had made a deal with somebody, and they went back on it, then he thought that he got to do anything to them. That lives in me. That is the foundation that built me. And the difference between you and me, Bix, is that I liked it. I liked the power. And I still do. I knew that I could win against your dad and your brother, and I liked it. I like knowing that I’m the one that can end a fight. I have to shut all that down. All of it. All the time. And I cannot be with somebody who... who makes me feel these things. I just can’t do it.”

“It’s love, Sheriff. And it makes us all crazy. You just need to deal with it. You just need to accept it.”

“It’s not love. It’s toxic. And it’s bad. And I don’t want it. I don’t want you.”

She just stood there, staring, her heart shriveling. He didn’t want her. He didn’t love her. But what else was new? Nobody did. Nobody had ever loved her; why would Daughtry be different?

He had gotten a look at her family, and he hadn’t wanted her. Why would he? Of course he didn’t. It was obvious that he wouldn’t. Who would? Who would when they had seen all of that?

She felt so ashamed, and so small. It made her want to turn and run and...

And that was why he had said it.

It was so easy for her to spiral. For her to believe that he didn’t love her. Because of course he would say that.

Of course he would... That coward.

He was trying to make her feel awful so that she would leave so that he didn’t have to deal with her. So that he didn’t have to deal with his feelings. Didn’t have to deal with his emotions. Well. Fuck that and fuck him.

“Are you trying to White Fang me?”

“What?” he asked.

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