Page 122 of The Outsider

“It’s true,” she said. “I don’t think you understand just how much he... how much he works at being what he thinks is the best that he can be. Not because he thinks he’s superior. Because he thinks he isn’t.”

She ended up sulking for a good part of the day, because she was so damned irritated at how his family had responded.

She knew that they loved him. It was nothing like her family. But still. She understood him. With her whole heart, she understood him. And she was going to have to... She was going to have to be brave and tell him. Tell him what she wanted, what she needed. She hadn’t been intending on doing it this early. Because there were other things to discuss. But she could sense him pulling away. Freaking out. Last night had been a whole thing. A whole big emotional deal. She could feel him pulling away. She could feel him trying to rebuild the defenses inside of him. She herself was left utterly defenseless against him, so she did not want him getting any barriers up. It wasn’t fair.

But then, none of this was about fair.

It was a strange thing. Loving somebody. Loving people. Loving a place. She did. His whole family. Rue. The Sullivan sisters. But Daughtry most of all.

It was like a light had been turned on inside of her. It was the most expansive, altering thing she had ever experienced.

She wanted to be vulnerable for him. She didn’t want to get angry. She didn’t want to protect herself.

She was ready. Ready to tear strips off of herself. Ready to expose herself.

That had to be worth something. It had to be worth a lot of somethings.

When Daughtry got home from work that evening, her heart lifted.

She ran out of her house and to the truck, and saw that his expression was grim.

“What’s going on, Sheriff?”

“Nothing,” he said.

“Well,” she said. “That’s a lie. And I think you know that.”

“Don’t worry about it, Bix.”

“I’m worried. Hey, do you want to go over and make sure they cleared off?”

He looked at her. “Why would I take you if I did that?”

“Because, somebody should be there to stop you from committing a murder if they’re there.”

“I’m not murderous today.”

“That’s good. But still. Why don’t we go over together? Then maybe we can have some dinner and... whatever. Let’s just go and make sure that it’s handled.”

He sighed heavily and got back in his truck. She got into the passenger seat. She didn’t think her father and brother were still there. But she wanted him back there. She wanted to be by the cabin when she told him this. She was absolutely jingling with nerves. It was the most intense, extreme experience of her life, that five-minute car ride back over to the cabin.

He parked the truck, and they got out. She stepped slowly into the woods. She looked up, and around.

She was struck by the fact that this place looked the same. But she wasn’t the same in it. She had changed. Everything inside of her had changed.

She was different. And she loved Daughtry King. It was maybe the most significant change of all.

Everybody wanted to be loved. Of course they did. Who wouldn’t want that? She wanted Daughtry to love her so very much.

But she couldn’t ignore the gift of loving him.

When she had soothed his wounds last night—before it had turned sexual—it had just felt wonderful. To have somebody to care for.

It was real. The substance of living.

Surviving was food. Water. Shelter where you wouldn’t freeze to death or get eaten by a predator. Living was love.

She knew that now without a doubt.

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