Page 120 of Ruined Vows

“I can’t afford that shit.”

“Again, back to my alternative treatment. In some reputable studies, there have been many ex-soldiers who report only needing a few sessions. Sometimes only a single session.”

“What the fuck is it? Like hypnotism or some shit?”

She holds out a little clear plastic bag from behind her back. At first, I’m confused by what I’m seeing. It looks like some sort of dried-out plant.

She wants me to eat some weird herb or something? Then I look a little closer. The plant has a spindly stem and a big, bulbous head.

I jerk back. “Fucking mushrooms? You want me to do mushrooms?” I hold up my hands. “I don’t do drugs.”

“Mushrooms aren’tdrugdrugs. Not the kind you get addicted to. They’re hallucinogens.”

“Oh, great. So I’ll have hallucinations. Yeah. Fuck that. I see enough shit that’s not there in my nightmares.”

“Will you just listen to me?” she barks.

I shut up, my chest clenched tight. I hate talking to anyone about any of this shit, but especially Kira.

I want her to see me a certain way. Strong. Confident. Competent.

This ugly shit is a part of my life that’s just mine. I keep it hidden as much as I can, and I fuckin’ hate when it busts out and gets loud enough to ever affect anybody else. It’s why I keep to myself, generally. I don’t let anybody close enough to see it.

And how’s that working out for ya?

“I’m not just talking out of my ass here,” Kira says. “There have been legitimate studies done with veterans. Drugs can also be medicine, too. Now, this isn’t my main area of study, but I’ve read up on it. Some researchers suggest that psilocybin can stimulate nerve growth and repair the brain’s processing center for memory and emotion. It’s science. More studies are being done every day now that everyone’s started unclenching their asshole about psychedelics.”

Oh. Huh. I frown.

“And it’s not addictive?”

She grins at me. “After you drink the tea I make from these mushrooms, you’ll understand. This shit tastes too awful to be addictive.”

“Haveyoudone this before?” I don’t know why the thought astonishes me more than anything else she’s said so far. She’s just so… school librarian.

She blushes a little, then shrugs. “A group of us in my program came up here a couple years ago. I have a friend who wants to work with veterans, so he sat with us while we drank the tea.”

“How was it?”

Her eyes get a little wider as her gaze drifts toward the window. “Eye-opening. I finally saw my mother for who she was, and she lost some power over me. I experienced some ego-death and really became clear on some of my whys.”

“What?”

She shakes her head, and her eyes come back to me. “Nevermind. Today is all about you. If you want it to be. Of course, I’m not going to force anything on you. It has to be your choice. I can give you some time if you want to look up the research yourself.”

I look at the bag in her hand.

“How did you even get that?” I’m stalling but also curious.

“Delivery.” She bounces over to where I’m sitting on the bed and hops down beside me. “They voted to decriminalize it here in Colorado, so you can order it like weed now. I got it when I grabbed the DoorDash last night.”

“In my day, we had to get weed from the local dealer behind the mini-mart.”

She rolls her eyes. “Well, everything’s much more evolved now, old man. Welcome to civilization.” She hands me the bag of mushrooms, and I hold them up to look closer. They weigh practically nothing and look innocuous enough.

My decision, huh?

Well, fuck. I think back to one of the very first conversations Kira and I ever had about whether or not change was good. I certainly don’t want to never be able to sleep in the same bed as my woman. Maybe it’s alright ifsomethings change…

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