Page 95 of Ruined Vows

Dump Drew.

Don’t go through with the wedding.

You’re an evil, sinful whore.

My intrusive thoughts often take a religious tone. It’s only logical, considering the way I was raised. Textbook, really.

Or not. I don’t fucking know. I just feel fucking crazy right now!

But I’m sure I won’t be able to sort out any of what’s going on in my head any better if Drew’s in front of me, peppering me with questions. I just need to be alone when I get like this. If I’m around too much stimulation when the spirals get really intense like that, it can lead to?—

I try to suck in a breath, but it’s like my chest is so tight no air can get in my lungs.

Fuck.

I wheeze in again, but only the thinnest bit of air makes it through the passageway. I keep stomping toward Isaak’s truck anyway.Have to get out of here. Usually it’s my mother’s parties that I’m escaping while barely breathing.

“Kira, wait,” Isaak says, walking with his long, lanky strides to keep up with me. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

I shake my head but keep walking, struggling for another breath in and not getting much air.

It’s only when we finally get to Isaak’s truck around the corner that I let myself collapse against it and grab my chest.

“Shit, is it an allergic reaction? Do you have an Epi-pen?”

“Panic attack,” I manage to wheeze, bending over and clutching my knees. My eyes squeeze shut. Oh god, I can’t breathe.

I’m going to die.

This time, I’mactuallygoing to die.

People die when they can’t breathe. And I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe!

“Okay, okay,” Isaak puts a hand behind my back. “I’ve read about this. We’re going to do box breathing. Look. That sidewalk square. Kira, the square! Do you see it?”

I nod.

“Four breaths in while your eyes walk along the bottom. One, two, three, four.”

Box breathing. Box breathing. If I was in any situation except this one, I’d find it fucking hilarious that Isaak learned about box breathing. I told him about my panic attacks and he went and learned what to do for them.

I desperately try to suck in breath while he slowly counts.

“Now hold while your eyes walk up the side of the tile, two, three, four. Now, over along the top of the tile. Hold two, three, four. In, two, three, four.”

He keeps counting, and my eyes keep slowly tracking around the square.

And fuck me, after going around it four times, I’m breathing easier and not dead.

I’ve never pulled back from an attack so quickly.

I look up into Isaak’s face, blinking away the last shreds of panic as the real world comes into focus. I feel steadier. More solidly here, in my body and less in that crazy, frantic place.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Oh god I’m so embarrassed. I’m so?—”

“No. What are you talking about?” Isaak shakes his head. “Are you okay?”

He pulls me into his chest, and I’m able to suck in another full breath as his arms close around me.

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