Page 86 of Ruined Vows

Right. I’m supposed to be talking.

“You were amazing,” I say. Marcus said I’m supposed to praise her, but my throat suddenly feels dry. I know how to talk dirty and joke around, not?—

It doesn’t fucking matter, dickhead. It’s what she needs.

“You’re amazing,” I say again lamely. “The most perfect.” Fuck. Why can I only repeat myself?

But she peeks vulnerable eyes up at me. “Really?Perfect?”

My chest constricts and I nod. “Perfect. I fucking swear, baby. I never seen anything more perfect.”

“I’m never perfect,” she whispers. “I’m always failing at everything.” Tears start down her cheeks again.

My mouth drops open in shock. Nothing out of her mouth would have stunned me more. She’ll have her goddamned Ph.D. by the time she’s twenty-three years old.

I shake my head as I look down at her. “You’re brilliant and gorgeous. You’re so smart it scares me sometimes. I’ve never met anyone as smart as you in my whole goddamn life, and anyone who makes you feel like you’re not is just trying to make you feel small so they can feel big.”

I caress her cheek. “But you should never let them pull that shit. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and no one should ever make you feel small again. You don’t have to let them anymore. Okay?”

She nods, those big Bambi eyes still wet with tears. God, she’s so fucking beautiful she’s twisting my chest in knots.

“You’re going to live a big, beautiful life because that’s what you deserve. And it’s time you started getting all the big, beautiful things you deserve, babe.” My thumb caresses the softest cheek in the whole fucking world. “You’re worth a million of all those other sad fucks who see you shining like a diamond because you got this brightness inside you. Any amount of time you decide to shine that light anyone’s way is up to you, and they should just be happy as fuck they ever got to be near your light.”

She bursts out into tears and throws her arms around me, squeezing me tight.

Shit. Is this what’s supposed to happen, or did I say all the wrong things?

I was just trying to tell her how special I think she is. That’s what Marcus said to do, but now she’s crying again, and I’m worried I fucked it up.

So I decide to fuck words and just cuddle. I don’t think I can fuck up cuddling. So I hold her to me as tight as I can. With as much of her body in as much of my arms as I can get at once.

Her body finally stops shaking, and the tears stop, and we just keep holding each other for the rest of the half hour.

I’m not sure if she falls asleep or what, but I just make sure she’s got plenty of space to breathe and keep cuddling her close. I hold her longer than the half hour Marcus said was necessary for all the adrenaline and endorphins to calm back down.

Finally, she blinks up at me, looking like she’s just waking up. Whether she’s waking up from actual sleep or the haze of subspace, I don’t know.

I just grin down at her and check in. “How ya doing there, Red?”

She smiles the most dazzling smile back at me. “I feel fucking marvelous, actually. But also sweaty from being all pressed up against you under this blanket. You think we could go find my clothes now?”

I laugh from deep in my throat and squeeze her closer as she squeals and tries to push me away.

THIRTY-TWO

KIRA

Isaak’s gotthe energy of a giant boisterous puppy as we’re leavingCarnal. I feel the complete opposite. I’m tired, and my body is so heavy, like every muscle is weighed down by an invisible anvil.

I’m confused at first. I meant what I said to Isaak. I do feel marvelous. It’s as if, suddenly, everything feels possible. All those things that felt way too serious when I walked in—shit with my mom, and Drew, and worrying about what my intrusive thoughts might mean—it all seems silly now. Not important at all.

But maybe that’s just because it feels like I need to sleep for a week before thinking about anything. Then I remember—holy shit! I’ve read about this!

It’s subdrop.

I’m experiencingsubdrop!

Which gives me a brief giddy feeling. Subdrop means that actuallywassubspace. Holy shit, I actually got there. Well, Isaak and I got there. Because that was definitely a together activity and not anything I could have done by myself.

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