Page 46 of Over the Edge

“Shaky. Rattled.”

“Normal.”

“I feel…heavy. Like a terrible burden has just landed on me that I’m going to have to carry for a long time.”

“Ahh. That’s astute of you. Takes most guys a while to figure that out.”

“How long will this last?”

He shrugged. “Until you have a whole bunch of therapy after your career is over, I suppose.”

“So it basically never goes away?” she asked quietly.

“Every kill you make adds a little weight to the bag of emotional shit you’ll tote around. It comes with the job. No way to avoid it if you have any kind of conscience at all.”

“So, you’d be more worried if I wasn’t freaking out a little?”

“Absolutely.” He dropped a kiss on the end of her nose. “You’ll learn to live with it. Ignore it most of the time. Get on with the work. Only time it’ll catch up with you is during your down time. Alone, late at night, when it’s just you and your thoughts.”

“Is that why you guys always stay moving, and are always pushing to get sent out again?”

“That and the adrenaline rush is addictive.”

She’d already experienced enough of that in training to know what he was talking about. Going ninety miles per hour with her hair on fire had become normal, and everything else seemed dull and boring by comparison.

They sat together in silence for a while, and she became aware that her heart rate had returned to normal, and something resembling calm had come over her once more as the initial shock wore off.

She asked, “Do you hug all the guys and kiss them on the nose when they get upset after an op?”

Silent laughter rumbled in his chest. “Hardly.”

“Then you probably shouldn’t be doing it for me.”

“Anna.” His voice was reproachful. “Surely you know by now that you’re more to me than just one of the guys.”

Gulp. She responded in a small voice, “You’re more than just one of the guys to me, too.”

He gently pushed a strand of hair back from her face. “I’m so damned proud of you. You performed perfectly in that alley.”

“You trained me.”

“I just taught you the technical details.”

“You’ve done more for me than that.” She took a deep breath and confessed, “There was more than one time in the past year when the only reason I didn’t quit was because I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“Aww, you could never disappoint me.”

“Then you’ve never heard me sing.”

His mouth pursed in amusement. “That bad, huh?”

“Worse.”

“Nice try,” he murmured.

“I beg your pardon?” she blurted.

“You always deflect when you experience real emotions. Humor is your go-to distraction.”

---