Page 68 of His Cowboy Heart

I couldn’t stop the tears from silently flowing down my cheeks. “I knew leaving like I did was wrong. I knew how much it would hurt you, but I did it anyway.” I paused long enough to suck in a few deep breaths.

“When you told me about how you and BJ explored the country on foot, I could see it. I could see it just by listening to the way you talked about having seen so many places that few people ever did. You were living life on your terms. Do you even know how incredible that is? How brave? That was when I knew that no matter what we meant to each other, it would never work. How could it? You’d literally experienced this life-changing event that made you see the world in a different way while I was trying to do the same thing by throwing money away like it was paper. While you were out there living a real life, I was hiding behind designer clothes and handing money and presents to people like it was candy for trick-or-treaters. Everything about me is a lie, Flynn. Even Brooks. I might not have paid him to like me, but I lied and manipulated him so I could get what I wanted.”

Flynn was silent for a long time. So silent that even BJ took notice because the horse started getting antsy. I took the reins and looped them around the saddle horn so he wouldn’t step on the reins if he began walking.

Which was exactly what he did. BJ went straight for Flynn, who was staring out the window. The longer Flynn remained silent, the harder it became to stay where I was. I dashed at my eyes so I could watch as BJ nudged him gently. Flynn raised his hand and began stroking his best friend’s neck. Knowing Flynn would never be alone made it the tiniest bit easier to let him go.

As the minutes passed and Flynn didn’t speak or even turn around, my need to lick my wounds became too great. Instead of retreating to my office so I could cry my eyes out, I walked toward the lobby doors because there was something I needed to do first. It wasn’t often that I used my name to my advantage, but if it helped get rid of the cops, reporters, and gawkers, I’d gladly throw it around so Flynn could leave without microphones being thrust in his face and the bright lights from cameras blinding him.

“Jules, if you even think about walking out that door so you can save me from all the cops and reporters…”

Flynn let the threat hang. Since I already knew he’d never hurt me physically, I braced myself for whatever he was going to say next. Either way, the knowledge that I’d turned Flynn into someone nearly unrecognizable began to shred me into little tiny bits that would eventually float away until it’d been like I’d never existed at all.

“I didn’t read your fucking note,” Flynn continued. “You want to know why?”

I knew better than to open my mouth to respond.

“Because there was nothing you could have said on that scrap of paper that would have made me suffer even a tiny fraction less. I just got on my horse and left the one place where I’d finally started to feel like I belonged. The place I wanted to build a future with the one person who meant more to me than anything else. The person who made me finally feel safe. The person who made me realize that the two years I’d spent exploring some of the most beautiful places in the country didn’t hold a candle to even a single second of the time I spent with him.”

Bile crept up the back of my throat, filling my mouth with a sour taste that made me want to gag. I swallowed repeatedly to rid myself of the taste because I owed Flynn however long it took him to tell me in excruciating detail what my cowardice had done to him. But in true Jules fashion, I couldn’t do it. As it was, all I wanted to do was sink to my knees and lie down on the cold marble floor and wait until it was all over.

Selfish to the end, huh, Jules?

There was no arguing with the voice inside my head… the one that had reminded me from the time I was a little kid that no matter how long I waited by a window for a father who was never going to appear or hoped that the mother I barely knew would send for me, it would never happen because I wasn’t like other people. There was something fundamentally wrong with me and no amount of money or sex or buying friends was going to change that.

When the silence became too unbearable, I feebly murmured, “I knew I couldn’t ask you to come back here with me?—"

“No, you don’t know that, actually. You took the right to decide that for myself away from me.”

Every word was another knife being driven into my body but not with the intent to kill me. I needed to suffer. There was no fighting back because everything Flynn was saying was true. The wounds he was inflicting would never heal, just like the wound I’d left him with would stay with him forever. I’d cut into his chest just like the surgeons had, but not to save him. I’d done it to save myself.

“You know what the funny thing is? When I got on BJ, I didn’t tell him which way to go when we left the ranch because I didn’t care. I didn’t care about myself, but worse, I didn’t care about him. I was the one who was supposed to take care of him. He trusted me not to let anything happen to him and I just threw that away. Because of you. Because all of my thoughts were consumed with wondering what I’d said or done to drive you away.”

Flynn let out a harsh, ugly laugh. “I didn’t see anything around me. There was no beauty or life in anything we passed. I was on autopilot. I had enough sense to untack BJ at night, eat food I couldn’t taste, drink water I didn’t want, and stare at some stars that were nothing but dots of light against a dark background.” Flynn ran his hand along BJ’s neck as he spoke. “I didn’t come here because I’d planned it the entire time. BJ brought me here. This horse has never once set foot anywhere near this city and yet every day, he brought me closer to this terrible place that I’d never wanted to see again. He brought me back to the place where the one person I never wanted to see again lived.

“I was too stupid to notice the change in weather at first. When I did, I got BJ turned around so he’d head south to where it was warmer. Then I buried my head in the sand so I could continue to feel sorry for myself and try to find a way to erase every moment we were together from my brain. The weather turned on us, so I pointed BJ west and figured he’d stop once we reached the ocean. And wouldn’t you know it, it was cold as fuck going that way too. Snow had started to fall and the temperatures kept dropping to the point that I knew we were in trouble. We didn’t have the right supplies to survive that kind of cold, and since I had no clue exactly where we were, I couldn’t find the closest ranch or barn that I’d used in the past to stable BJ during the worst part of winter. Do you have any idea how easy it is to die in those kinds of elements?”

I shook my head even though Flynn still had his back to me. Never in a million years had I expected him to leave the ranch, let alone put his and BJ’s lives at risk.

“I’m so sorry, Flynn. I never wanted?—”

“That was the moment I came back to life. It was one thing to throw away my own life for something as foolish as love, but to put BJ at risk…” Flynn shook his head. “I finally had the sense to pull out my compass and map so I could try to figure out where we were, but when I saw that little arrow pointing in the exact same direction it’d been when I’d turned BJ around for the first time, I finally got it. BJ was bringing me here.”

“I don’t understand,” I said in all honesty.

Flynn finally turned around. Between his bitter eyes that seemed to bore straight through me and the stiff way he held himself, I wished he hadn’t.

“BJ is smart. Really fucking smart. But it wasn’t his idea to come here. He was only doing what I was asking him to do.”

“But you said?—”

“I said that you were all I could think about. In my mind, I wanted to forget you, wipe you from my memory forever. But without even realizing it, my body was telling BJ something different. So he was reacting to what I truly wanted, even if my brain was in denial the whole time. Five months, Jules. Five fucking months trying to escape you and yet here I am. As soon as I entered the city limits, one cop after another began citing me. I stuffed the citation in my saddlebag, agreed to whatever the cop was saying even though I wasn’t listening, and then I was walking again.”

“Why?” was all I could ask. “Why put yourself through all that? Did you think that being face to face with me when you told me how much you hated me, how I disgusted you, and that I was a selfish, lying, self-centered asshole would make me hurt worse than I already did? Because it doesn’t, Flynn. You’ve been in my head from the moment you left my room after the last time we made love.” I stopped only long enough to wipe the snot and tears from my face. “I never thought to ask you what happens to wolves who lose their mate. Do they find a way to keep going or do they just lie down and wait to die? I looked up the answer. Their instinct is to survive, so even though they mourn, they find a way to survive it.”

I wiped at my eyes with my sleeve because the tears were coming too fast and hard for me to see Flynn, even as he moved closer to me. “I’ve been pretending that I’m in survival mode, but if it makes you feel even a little bit better, I’m dying, Flynn. Every single day, a piece of me withers and dies. I promise you, there won’t be anything left soon so you got me, okay? You won. You’re a survivor. You always have been. You’re going to fight. You’re going to put one foot in front of the other. If you need to hate me with every fiber of your being then do it because it will keep you going long enough to find your true other half. Someone who can be everything you want. That you need. Who’s fucking worthy of you.”

My throat was raw and my eyes burned from all the tears. I knew there was nothing else I could say to take away Flynn’s pain, and since I knew he wouldn’t beat me into oblivion, I gave in to my cowardice and quickly turned to escape to my office but ran right into BJ’s shoulder.

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