Page 85 of Catching Feelings

?CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

ROWAN

A buzzing sound from the other room wakes me. For the second morning in a row, I’m woken in a cocoon of warm muscles. Miles doesn’t move an inch, not even when I scoot from under his arm.

We ate dinner in bed and forgot to bring our phones into the bedroom. It wasn’t like we needed them or would have answered them anyway. Too caught up with each other, the rest of the world could have burned down and we wouldn’t have had a clue.

The alarm goes off again and I moan, not wanting to get up. Even though six isn’t that early for me, it’s early for a Sunday. And feels even earlier after being up all night making love over and over again. I crack my eyes just enough to find my way to the kitchen and turn off the alarm on Miles’s phone. I quickly tap it, then set it back on the counter.

If it’s hard for me to get moving, it’s going to be even harder for Miles. He sleeps like the dead, and a seven AM practice is his least favorite. According to Miles, his coach schedules these ungodly practices from time to time to make sure the team isn’t out partying all the time.

I start a pot of coffee and contemplate making breakfast, but I don’t know if he eats before he leaves, or if there’s food at the practice field. Leaning against the counter while I wait for the coffee to brew, I smile and think back to every detail from our weekend.

I wouldn’t change a thing. Maybe my fifteen minutes of panic when I thought Jules was a woman he was sleeping with, but otherwise, it was perfect. I could have avoided those moments of doubt if I spoke up immediately. Someday, I hope to be more confident and better at communicating my feelings.

It’s so much easier online. Speaking of, I take my phone out of my purse and open the Friends to Lovers app. I haven’t been on it in a few weeks. It’s not fair to string Adam along, even if we aren’t really a thing.

He’s been instrumental in helping me come out of my comfort zone, even if only with him. One day, I hope to be as confident around Miles. Guilt sets in at thinking of another man. I was jealous of Jules. I can’t imagine how hurt Miles would be if he knew I’d had online sex with another man. Not that Miles and I were together then. Still.

I type out a message to Adam, thanking him for his help, wishing him well, and ending our online relationship. I hit send and Miles’s phone vibrates again. I must have hit snooze on his alarm.

Picking up his phone, I turn it over and see a notification from Elizabeth77.

My heart drops into my gut and my vision blurs. What. The. Fuck?

It can’t be. It has to be a coincidence. I blink back tears and open the app again on my phone, sending another message. Something generic, just in case.

Elizabeth77:Have a good week.

Miles’s phone vibrates in my hand and my message pops up. I drop his phone and cover my mouth with my hand.

“No.” I stumble back into the counter, knocking one of the coffee cups over.

All this time it’s been him. Miles. No wonder it seemed like he always knew what I liked. What I needed. He’s been playing me. Using me. Lying to me.

My stomach cramps with mortification. I hurry around, finding my clothes and changing before he wakes up. I can’t confront him about breaking my trust. I’m not strong enough. He’ll make excuses. And I’ll tell him it’s fine.

Always the martyr. That’s me. The one thing I hate most about myself. What some see as a strength—the peacemaker—I see as a weakness. When I have my things, I quietly open the apartment door and shuffle down the stairs, holding my tears back until I make it to the end of the block.

I circle around twice before I remember where I parked my car. Somehow, I make it back to my apartment, where I strip out of my clothes and step into the shower. My legs can no longer hold me up and I crumple to the floor and cry.

My tears don’t stop, not even when the water turns cold. My heart is wrecked. I bared my soul to a stranger because I wanted anonymity, and Miles led me on. Lied to me. Made a fool of me. I shiver and shake until I’m dry heaving. When I’m finally strong enough to stand, I turn off the water and sit on my bed in my robe.

My phone blew up with calls and texts when I was driving, so I shut it off when I got back home. He’ll come find me, no doubt, and I can’t be here when he does. Since his practice ends at noon, I have another two hours before I need to hide.

Rowan and Riley would let me crash at their places for as long as I needed, but I don’t trust that Walker or Nash wouldn’t tell Miles where I am. My family is not an option, so I call the only other friend I have who is slightly more removed from Miles.

“Hey, Jackson. I’m, uh, having some apartment issues. Could I use your guest room for a couple nights?”

Or possibly indefinitely.

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