Page 16 of Fumbling for Perfection

Ignoring Kendall, I fall face first onto the mattress in our hotel room, praying she didn’t hook up on this bed.

“Noodle legs. Sexy hair. Tell me he left marks all over your body.”

Maybe? I have no idea. After our shower sex, I was too satisfied, too languid, too numb to do a thorough inspection of my limbs.

“And tell me you’re wearing his clothes because he ripped your dress off you and tore it in half clawing to get at your tits.”

“Oh my word, Kendall. You’re exhausting.”

“Not me, babe.” My head bobs as she bounces on the mattress next to me. “You’re exhausted from all the sex. I’m so proud of you, my little angel doing the devil’s work.”

I snort into the comforter and turn my head, peering up at her through my naked lashes. The shower washed off any traces of makeup I had left after sweating most of it off during our sex Olympics.

I tried to hide my plain face from Walker, but he’d cupped my cheeks so tenderly and kissed me so sweetly before pulling one of his sweatshirts over my dress, making me feel beautiful. When I tried to give his sweatshirt back to him in the lobby of the Holiday Inn, he shook his head and gave me one final lingering kiss. Audience be damned.

The San Francisco football sweatshirt hung down to my knees, and I had to roll the sleeves up four times to find my hands. It smells like him, so I bury my face in the soft material, inhaling his scent.

Kendall runs her fingers through my hair and twists it into a braid. She’s not the most affectionate person, preferring to deliver sass and jokes rather than hugs and comfort. Unless she’s with Danielle, her younger sister, born with Down Syndrome, and the sweetest human being on the planet. She has Kendall wrapped around her finger.

Dani’s favorite request is to have Kendall brush and style her hair. When Kendall plays with my hair, it’s her way of showing comfort without the words and the touchy-feely stuff she doesn’t care for.

Today is a big day. Last night was a big night. My hopes and dreams are now only that. Dreams. I didn’t go into this blind, and it’s not like my life is ruined, but it’s not the future I’d always dreamed about as a little girl.

“I’m not going to ask for specifics, but it’s not too late to—”

“Don’t say that.” I jump off the bed and rummage through my suitcase for new undergarments. Scrunching them in my hand, I head to the bathroom and plug in my flat iron. “We need to get ready. Jackson and his family are expecting us in less than an hour.”

“You can say no.”

I undo the braid and brush my hair. “I promised him. He’ll take care of me. This is good. Yeah, I had to pivot my goals, but I’m going to be living an amazing life.”

“Is it okay to crack aFriendsjoke?”

I roll my eyes, knowing better than to use the word pivot. Normally, Kendall would break out in a Ross Gellar voice, mimicking the couch in the stairwell scene fromFriends. It’s an overused joke, even more than twenty years after the show ended, but it is funny.

Only, I don’t feel like laughing this morning. Even though that’s why Kendall is here with me. To support me and help me keep my head held high.

Jackson has never come right out and said his family is awful, but it’s what he doesn’t say about them that has me worried. He respects his father and holds him on the highest pedestal in the universe, praising his business ways and work ethic. He’s well respected in corporate America and by his employees. And especially by Jackson.

We’ve been friends for almost a decade and I’ve only met them once. I’ve never heard any picture-perfect stories about their family traditions or spectacular vacations. Holidays are spent abroad. Maldives, Tahiti, Cabo. Whenever I ask Jackson about what they do on vacations, he says they relax or do work on the beach.

His mother is another anomaly. She spends her time working on charitable events and planning galas. I’m not one to dig into someone’s personal life, even my best friends, and respect them when they don’t want to talk about it. I don’t push, because that would mean it would be okay for them to push me for information.

Granted, I’m an open book. Kendall and Jackson know about my mother’s death when I was ten. They know about my father’s depression and his long trips on the road. Of our lack of a family and my desire to be part of one.

I’ve always wanted to have a big family. To marry into a large one. To have siblings, cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. I don’t have any of that and have dreamed of becoming part of a family that already exists and creating my own.

Today erases any hope of that happening.

Kendall comes up behind me and picks up the flat iron, doing my hair without asking. I love when she does this. It’s the closest I get to feeling like I have a sister, and I know it brings her some sense of comfort as well.

I try to keep my head still while I do my makeup.

“You know I’d take your place if I could.”

I snort. “Please. You and Jackson? You compete too much for airtime. No one would buy that two people who both need to be the center of attention could fall in love. You’d smother him in his sleep before the honeymoon even started.”

“And be one rich bitch. I mean, widow. Hell. Why didn’t we think of this before?”

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