Page 113 of Seduction in Spades

“Hey gorgeous.” Nolan scoops me into his chest and greets me with a warm kiss. “I’m not gonna lie. I was kind of hoping to catch you in the middle of showering.”

“Is that what you want for your birthday?”

He tilts his head to the side. “Who...? Nora.”

“Do you have an aversion to birthdays?”

“No. But I don’t need anyone making a big deal about it either.”

“Well,” I start as I slip into my coat, “I guess I won’t be giving you that lap dance I had planned.” I pat his cheek and brush past him out the door.

A few weeks ago, we’d be back in my apartment, and I’d be giving him that lap dance and a whole lot more. We’d both have multiple orgasms and then I’d push him away. Today, I want the orgasmic high to last all day long.

We hold hands and walk toward Copley Square. We could drive or take the T, but I like walking hand-in-hand with Nolan. We talk and laugh over Belgium waffles, bacon, and mimosas and go back out for a stroll.

When we reach the park, I find a bench and pull him next to me so we’re facing the Charles River.

“My birthday gift to you is unconventional,” I start, staring at the ducks.

“Save your money, Avery. Spending time with you is all I need.”

I rub my hands along my thighs to warm them up, and he takes one in his.

“This gift doesn’t cost anything except...” I swallow my nerves. My heart thumps in my chest, and despite the chill in the air and my cold hands, I’m burning inside. “It’s not costing me anything of monetary value. Shit.Costinghas a negative connotation. That’s not what I mean.”

Why could I think of the perfect sentences at four this morning, and now they’re a jumble of incoherent words?

“When we first met, first hooked up, I told you I wanted no strings. There’re a few layers to that story. The top two I was fully aware of. The others are a new revelation to me.”

Like he was in the car leaving the mountains last week, Nolan is attentive and patient as I find the words.

“My entire life, I’ve been responsible for another person, for their safety and financially caring for them. Like I said, I don’t begrudge Trey. When he didn’t need me anymore, I could finally focus on my schooling. I penny-pinched, made budgets, worked, studied, and went to class with a goal in sight. I never realized how heavy the burdens I carried were until I didn’t have them anymore. I’ve only been weightless for six months. And even then, I still have the financial burden of living paycheck to paycheck.”

Nolan scoots closer to me and releases my hand, moving his to my back, rubbing in light circles. I want to lean into him, but I don’t. I need to find strength within myself. I stay straight, shoulders back, staring at the ducks as they beg for food.

“At the time, I thought being in a relationship would be another burden. I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone but myself. I’ve never witnessed a healthy relationship and only considered them unhealthy and a lot of work. A loss of independence.”

His hand stills on my back for a moment, and I hear him let out a soft sigh.

“Being in one was never in my plan, not on my goal sheet. Surviving, being independent, that’s all that mattered. Needless to say, my parents were not stable, were not role models. I viewed relationships as another burden. Being responsible for someone else, never doing what you want to do or be who you want to be because you have to think of the other half. Now, I realize that’s not what it means.”

I take a few deep breaths, my gaze frozen out over the river on a family of ducks. Nolan is still quiet, which I appreciate, and when his hand begins to massage the tension between my shoulders, I continue.

“I don’t know what love is, Nolan. I’ve never witnessed it until I visited your family. I’ve never been on the receiving end of it or given it. All I’ve seen is how being in a relationship ties you down. I believe my mom wanted to get away from my father but had no means. She stayed and got sucked into his drug world. I didn’t want to start a relationship with you and have you feel guilty into staying with me because I’m your business partner’s sister. You’re loyal to those you care about. And I viewed that as a fault. As a wedge keeping us apart.”

“My loyalty is a fault?” Nolan says softly, hurt evident in his voice.

“Even if you want to end things with me, you won’t because you don’t want to hurt your relationship with Trey, and I respect that. I fear that. I envy that. I don’t want to come in between you and your Aces, but I worry you’ll stay with me out of loyalty to them and end up regretting it later. It’s stupid, I know. I can’t help the way my brain works. Or doesn’t work. Your loyalty scares me.Scaredme. My subconscious took over the logical scientific side of my brain and mixed my insecurities and ignorance on how love and relationships work and made me think sex was all I could give you.”

I sniff and blink away the tears pooling in my eyes. I curl my fingers into my palms and take another deep breath before I finish emptying my soul to him.

“My gift to you is opening up. Telling you my fears. My feelings, even if I’m still trying to figure them out myself. I’ve never wanted to be with anyone the way I want to be with you. You’re not a burden to me, but everything you’ve been through these past few weeks is because of me. You’re too good, too loyal, to ever consider breaking up with me while I’m the target of violence. I thought keeping it all sexual between us would keep my heart safe. Give you an out when you wanted to end things with us.”

I can’t look at him. I bared my soul. The good. The ugly. The raw. My love, without actually coming right out and declaring it.

“My heart has never been broken before because I’ve never given it to anyone.” I swallow and wipe my tears with the back of my hand. “You’re a monogamous guy and want that commitment. I think you may want more, but I’m not sure. I’ve screwed us up. But my gift to you, if you want it, is my...” I swallow the lump in my throat and softly whisper, “my heart.”

Nolan’s hand stops moving on my back. His body is stiff. I can see from my peripheral vision that he’s looking out at the ducks as well. His jaw clenches, then he cups my elbow and brings us both to our feet.

---