Page 81 of The Secret Of Us

“Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you have to pursue it,” Isaac says as he shrugs his shoulders. “For example, I’m great at singing?—“

“I’ve heard you in the shower,” I interrupt him.

“You’re welcome for the free concert.”

I can’t hold back a laugh, and it gets a smile out of Isaac, too.

“If something doesn’t bring you joy anymore, then you don’t have to continue. Your happiness is the most important thing, not what anyone, myself included, might think of you.”

His maturity hits me all over again. Some days, I find it hard to believe we’re related, given how different we seem to be. But it’s one of the main reasons I love him so much. He always knows the right things to say.

“Thanks, Isaac.”

“Anytime.” He gestures at the half-eaten food on his plate. “Now can I finish without you having a crisis?”

I throw a napkin at him, and he gently kicks my foot underneath the table before he starts eating again. I lift my fork to my mouth but it’s hard to ignore the insecure thoughts still haunting me.

Although this conversation went better than I anticipated, I know there’s still a bigger one that needs to be had. Quitting hockey isn’t as big of a decision as not going to university, and I’m worried for the day I’ll actually have to face his disappointment.

* * *

The lead-upto Christmas is hectic. After talking with Isaac about hockey, we’ve barely seen each other. He and Violet have been working extra shifts, so they’re rarely at home. When we do catch each other, they’re always tired from how much they’re working. They tell me it’s because they want to save up more for the wedding, but I know that’s not the truth.

I need to speak with them about what I’m doing with my life. Application deadlines are approaching, and while my friends have already got their options and personal statements sorted, I’ve got nothing. After telling Amelia and Chloe about my decision, I didn’t think much of it again until I told Noah.

He sent me a list of options he’d written out in his notes app, including what I can do if I don’t go to university. He mentioned apprenticeship schemes, working holidays, and different kinds of qualifications I could get. I think he spent more time researching it than I did. And while his list did help, it also left me even more confused about what I can do once school ends.

I don’t want to ruin Isaac and Violet’s good mood, though. Even though they’re both exhausted, they’re still so excited about getting married. Violet has already shown me what kind of dresses she wants and asked me how much I want to be involved in it. Of course, I told her I want to be part of every single step that she’ll let me. Isaac, on the other hand, is already trying to figure out a way to stop Luke from making a speech on the big day.

Even though I spend most of my days alone, they both still check up on me, calling and texting as much as they can. But it’s been weird adjusting to the loneliness. I’ve been busying myself by watching movies and reading through Violet’s collection of books. Sometimes, I wish I was a character in one of hers so that all my decisions could be plotted out for me by someone else, and so I could get my happy ending.

On my loneliest days, when it’s dark and rainy and nothing can distract me, I wish I had someone next to me. It’s that gnawing feeling that crawls out whenever I spend too much time in my own head. The feeling that I’ll never find someone to spend my quiet hours with, someone to share in the mundane parts of my life, someone on the other end of the phone to look at the same moon.

I’ve tried to stop thinking about Noah. The last time I was at home, we spent so much time on the phone with each other, but we’ve hardly spoken since that night in my room. I don’t know what I said to make him run away. I thought we were opening up to each other more, that maybe he was starting to feel the same way about me that I do about him. But he left, and he’s barely spoken to me since.

I keep his gift right next to my bed. On the nights I can’t sleep, which are more often than not, I lift up the lid and stare at the stars, counting them over and over again.

You deserve a whole constellation.

His voice plays over in my head as I imagine him sitting in his room, using the same fingers that wiped away my tears to fold every single one of these stars. I think about him stringing them all together, sticking them to the lid of the box so I could have my own constellation to look at whenever I want.

On those same nights, I want to call him. But the way he left me that day, and his texts being so few and far between, I don’t think he wants to talk to me. I hate the idea of him being upset with me, but I’m not sure what I did, or if it’s even to do with me. I’ve learnt to read his emotions better with all the time we spend together, but there’s still a part of him he doesn’t let me in to. But I suppose, I’ve been doing the same to him.

I scroll through my phone until I reach his name, my finger hovering over it as I think about what I’m doing. It’s early in the evening, and although Isaac and Violet will be home soon and I’ll have to spend time with them, I want to hear his voice. I tap his name, and it only takes one ring for him to answer.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” he says, his voice deeper than I remember.

Goosebumps erupt all over my skin and the English language seems to have left my brain completely. I can’t remember a single thing I wanted to say to him.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just…” I can’t lie to him. “I missed you.”

He lets out a shaky breath, and I can picture him so clearly on the other end of the phone. I know he’s running his hand through his hair, that he’s got his bottom lip pinched between his teeth, and his eyes closed.

“I missed you, too.” It comes out quietly, like he’s afraid of saying it out loud. “I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me anymore.”

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