Page 95 of The Secret Of Us

“You’ve lost weight,” she says, a hint of worry in her voice.

I haven’t eaten properly for a month, and it’s obviously showing. My parents have been forcing me to sit down and eat with them, but even then, I can barely stomach a few bites.

I don’t know how to have this conversation with her. All I can do is stare at her, my mouth hanging open as I try to figure out how I can tell her about everything that’s happened. But I can feel the sting of tears in my eyes already. I thought I would be strong enough to get through this without crying, but I’m not.

“It’s okay,” is all she says, her voice softer than I’ve ever heard it before.

I break down.

I start sobbing, my legs giving out as I crumple to the floor, my head in my hands. I feel her crouch down next to me, her arms around my neck as she holds me close to her. She tries to soothe me, whispering words of reassurance, telling me that it’s okay, that I can let it all out, that she’s there for me.

I don’t know how long we stay like that but eventually, I stop, my energy completely depleted. Izzy doesn’t leave my side for a single second.

I move my hands away from my face, lifting my head to look at her. I wish I hadn’t because the dampness on her cheeks tells me that she’s been crying and if I had anything left in me, I would start again, too.

She moves to sit in front of me, crossing her legs as she takes my hands in hers. She runs her thumbs across my knuckles, lifts them to her mouth and places a kiss on both of them. Izzy doesn’t let go, she keeps our joined hands rested on my knees. I drop my legs so I’m sitting just like her, and she shuffles closer.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” she tells me gently, but I want to. She deserves an explanation.

“My grandma called me when I was in Paris. She said my granddad wasn’t feeling well, but that he was looking forward to seeing me once I got there. I should have realised then that something was wrong, but I didn’t. He gets sick all the time, but it’s always gone in a few days so I kept playing. But then the next day she called me again and…” I take a shaky breath, trying to compose myself so I can at least get these next words out. “It was too late.”

I’ve never felt guilt like that before. Never felt ashamed of myself for being so selfish. I should have gone at the start of the break like I’d originally planned. I should have gone at Christmas. I should have gone at Chuseok. I should have gone earlier in the summer. I should never have left.

I was there for everything, except when it mattered the most. I wasn’t there in his final moments, wasn’t there to comfort him, or tell him it was okay and that he could go. It has haunted me since it happened and I don’t think the guilt will ever go away.

“I’m so sorry, Noah.” The crease in her brows and the downturn of her lips forces me to look down at our hands instead of her face.

I blow out a heavy breath, close my eyes for a second so I can pull myself together and finish explaining.

“I left right away. Luke took me to the airport. I told him when I landed, and I didn’t ask him to, but I hoped he would tell you. When I saw your text, I knew he had. But I couldn’t speak to anyone. I figured if I kept pretending I was in Korea for a regular trip, then it would be fine.

“My parents were waiting for me at the airport, and as soon as I saw them, it hit me. I don’t even know where my phone went for those first few days. Nothing felt real. It was like I wasn’t even in my body, and I was watching everything happen from a distance.”

Izzy listens intently, warm green eyes so full of kindness and sorrow. She doesn’t offer any placating words, just lets me talk it all out.

“I should have texted you, said anything at all, but I just couldn’t. There’s no excuse for it, and I’m sorry.”

“Noah, you don’t have to apologise for that.” She grips my hands in hers, keeps moving her thumbs across my skin and it’s the only thing that makes me feel like a real person.

“We ended up staying longer than I thought to help my grandma. I didn’t know when I’d come back to you,” I tell her.

I wished she had been with me. Every night I dreamt of her being right by my side and holding my hand through the whole thing. My safe place when everything was falling apart.

“You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

I drop my head, shame rising and my heart in my throat as I prepare to say the words that could ruin everything between us.

“I’m leaving again,” I tell her, my voice hoarse.

I can’t look at her, but I hear the sharp intake of breath. Maybe I made a mistake coming back and giving her the impression that I was here to stay. But I could never have this conversation over the phone. She deserves more than that. More than me.

“When?” she whispers.

“Tomorrow morning. I came back to see you and pack my room up.”

She doesn’t say anything. After a few painful seconds, I finally pluck up the courage to look at her. Tears are silently falling down her cheeks and I take one of my hands away from hers so that I can wipe them away. She leans into my touch, her cheek resting in my palm as I swipe my thumb across her skin.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Izzy. I want to be all in with you. More than anything. But I can’t give you all of me, yet. I haven’t handled any of this well. Not just my grandad, but everything that’s been happening here too. I need to work through it all, figure out how to process everything I’m feeling. I want to be the best person I can for you.”

---