Page 68 of The Secret Of Us

“How does that make any sense?” I ask, trying my best not to sound as angry and hurt as I feel.

“We’ll talk about this in the car,” he says, extracting the basket from my hand. I give it to him, and he walks away from me to the checkout.

He’s all but admitted that I am to blame for why they separated. My actions made him leave. One foolish, out-of-control, emotional moment tore our family apart.

I feel detached from myself as I follow after him, lingering behind as he pays and bags all the fruit up. I’m numb as I make my way to the car, my arms hanging loosely at my sides, each step feeling like heavy weights are tied around my ankles.

Appa unlocks the car, putting the bags in the back seat before he gets into the front. I open the passenger door, steeling myself for whatever explanation he’s going to give to try and make me believe it wasn’t my fault. I get in, closing the door and keeping my hand curled tightly around the handle. We’re not too far from home. If it gets too much for me, I’ll get right back out and start walking.

“Adeul, when everything happened with your sister…” He heaves out a sigh, propping his elbow against the window as he rubs his hand across his forehead. “It took me back to when I was at school.”

The admission surprises me. Appa never really talks about what school was like for him, so I assumed it was unremarkable. Finding this out just makes me wonder how much I don’t know about him. I don’t speak as I wait for him to continue.

“I didn’t have many friends, and I would walk alone to school every day. It was never a problem for me, though, until my second year of high school, when I was around your age. A new boy transferred in from a different school in the neighbourhood. I don’t know what I did to offend him, but from that first day, I was his target.”

The story is all too familiar. I look at my dad and try to imagine him at sixteen. I erase the grey streaks in his hair, smooth out the wrinkles around the corners of his eyes, and drop him into a classroom. Instead, I just see myself. I put my hands into my lap, twisting them together as my jaw tightens.

“He ruined my life that year. My grades dropped, and my parents scolded me every day. I felt like there was no point to living.”

I swallow the lump in my throat, struggling to imagine the man beside me ever feeling like that.

“But I knew if I gave in to those thoughts, it would be a signal for that guy that he could get away with doing whatever he wanted. So I refused. Instead, I started planning a better life for myself. I couldn’t escape that way, but I could by working hard and leaving him and all the others behind. So I studied hard. I went to university, and then I started making plans to leave Korea. It was hard at first, but coming here was one of the best decisions I ever made. I met your mother the same day I landed in London. It felt like fate.”

He uses the wordinyeon.A word that can mean fate or destiny but goes deeper than that. It’s about two people who have met in all their past lives, their paths constantly crossing in every single one of them, so it’s impossible for them not to find each other.

“I loved your mother from the first day I met her, and that hasn’t changed.”

“So why don’t you talk anymore?” I ask, my voice thick with emotion.

“We do. My problem has never been with her. There’s too much about myself that I need to fix, so I can be the best husband to her. And I want to be the best father I can be for you and Mina.”

I let his words sink in as I start viewing their separation in a different light. I figured I was the leading cause of it, but it’s clear Appa has been going through a lot. Perhaps I was just the tipping point.

“When I found out what was happening to Mina, I’ve never felt more ashamed. How could I let my daughter go through the same thing I did? How could I not see what was happening right in front of me? And then you, Adeul. You did something I couldn’t have ever imagined.”

Shame washes over me, my stomach twisting into knots. I knew I reacted badly as soon as the fight was over, but I couldn’t stop myself at the time.

“I understand why you did it,” he continues, reaching over to place his hand on my shoulder. “But I wish I could have done something more so that it had never even reached that point.”

I nod as he squeezes my shoulder, my eyes stinging as I stare at my lap.

“We thought it would be good for you both to move further away for school and get a fresh start. But once we finalised everything and you went to Korea, I realised how much everything had gotten out of hand. I didn’t think that it would cause such a distance between us, too.”

Appa moves his hand underneath my chin as he gently grips it, forcing me to face him.

“Even though I wish things had happened differently, it gave me the chance to reflect. I realised I need to work on the issues from my past so that it won’t affect our present and our future. So I’m getting help now.”

“Does that mean you’ll come back?” I try to hide the childish tinge of hope in my voice.

“That was never a question you should have had to ask, Adeul,” he says. “Once I’m deserving of being back in our home, with our family, then I’ll be there.”

I blink back my tears, the release of so many months of pent-up emotions finally wanting to spill out. He’s answered every question I’ve had without me even asking, but it’s a lot to take in.

“I’m sorry for what I did,” I tell him, and he simply nods. “And I’m sorry that I haven’t been speaking to you.”

“It’s my fault, too,” he says. “Let’s do better going forward, okay?”

“Okay.”

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