Page 43 of The Secret Of Us

Noah’s voice startles me and I miss a step, almost falling flat on my face as I reach the top of the stairs. He grabs my arm to stop me from colliding with the ground, steadying me.

“Everything okay?” Concern lines his voice, and I hate the fact that he just saw how terribly I played. I know I told him it would be a good idea to show up, but I didn’t really think it through. It’s embarrassing that he saw me miss every shot I tried to take.

“Just tired.” I shrug out of his grip, and he drops his hand instantly. I start walking away from him but he follows behind me. I realise my frustration with him is misplaced so I slow my steps and we fall into line side by side.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks, gently as he tucks his hands into his pockets.

A deep sigh escapes me, all my thoughts about quitting threatening to spill out at his question. But what do I have to lose? Noah doesn’t know anything about me so he’s probably the easiest person to talk to about this.

“I don’t know if I want to play hockey anymore,” I say, my steps heavy as I drag my feet.

“How long have you played?” His question catches me off guard again, like they always seem to do. I expected a different response, maybe something like I should just suck it up and keep playing. But he seems genuinely curious.

“Since Year Eight. We did it in PE, and I really liked it, so I joined the team. But last year, I don’t know, it just wasn’t the same anymore. I don’t get that same spark of joy that I used to.”

“So why did you keep going this year?”

I know we’re meant to be in a pretend relationship, but this doesn’t feel like the right time to start spilling all the secrets of my past. I don’t want to tell him about Isaac and his argument with my parents so that I could play, or how those same parents abandoned him, and then I did the same to them.

I know enough about Noah to know that he won’t judge me harshly for any of that, but it’s still not something I’m comfortable sharing with a lot of people. I didn’t even tell Ryan about it; maybe that should have been my biggest sign that our relationship wasn’t what I thought it was.

“I feel like I have to?” I glance up at the sky. The heavy clouds scattered above diminish all my hopes of seeing the stars tonight. “I think I owe it to the girls to keep playing. It’s our last year and then we won’t have this shared thing anymore.”

I stop myself, a lump rising in my throat.

“I’m sure they’d understand.” He steps closer to me, his arm grazing mine before he moves away again. That tiny bit of contact soothes me more than it should. “You shouldn’t keep doing something if it makes you unhappy.”

It sounds so simple when he says it, but I can’t seem to rationalise it in my head. When we reach the split for the dorms, I expect us to stop walking like yesterday. Instead, Noah keeps walking toward my building, silently guiding me there.

“I need to think about it more before I make any big decisions.”

“I get that,” he says as we reach the main door. “Whatever you decide to do, I hope it makes you happy.”

“Thanks, Noah.” I smile at him, and he gives me that half smile back. I’m getting closer.

He opens the door for me, and I walk through it, feeling a little lighter than I did before.

16

NOAH

It was easierto ignore the stares and whispers when they were just directed at me. But people are starting to look at Izzy now, too, and it makes me want to hide us away from it all.

I drop my pen onto my desk, staring out of my window at the field outside full of students. Coates is small compared to my old school. Back there, hardly anyone would care about who was seeing who, but everyone is in each other’s business here. I suppose everyone living here adds to it. At least at my old school, I could leave everything behind at the end of each day. It’s been strange to adjust to random people caring so much about who I am or what I do.

The rumours about why I came to Coates are starting to die down, though, with more focus on us as a couple rather than me as an individual. That part of her plans seems to be working, and I’m happier for it than I care to admit. I’m not too sure about the other part of it, though. Ryan glared at us whenever we crossed paths, but he never actually said anything. Maybe it’s slowly sinking in that Izzy is completely done with him.

I give up on my homework and start getting ready for football, putting on my navy kit. I open my wardrobe to get my hoodie out, but then I remember I let Izzy take it. Our conversation yesterday after her practice played over in my mind all night.

It doesn’t make sense to me why she’d keep playing a sport that she has no interest in anymore. The way she spoke about it makes me think there might be something else stopping her from making the best decision for her.

I leave my room to head to the field, but Izzy’s still on my mind. I didn’t want to pry too much when it was clear that it’s something she’s struggling with. We might be pretending to date, but I don’t know if we’re at the point in our friendship where we can talk about the deeper things. I hold out a tiny bit of hope that she might trust me enough for that one day.

When I get to the field, the rest of the team is already warming up. I drop my water bottle and start stretching, keeping to myself like I’ve done at every practice since the start.

A couple of minutes later, we get started with some warm-ups before going into a game. It goes as well as can be expected in that not a single person acknowledges my existence. I’ve been open so many times, urging them to pass me the ball by waving my hands, but they just ignore me.

I’ve been trying not to let it get to me. I know that these are just a bunch of immature guys whose names I won’t even remember by this time next year. But it still stings to see they’d rather lose a match than involve me.

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