Page 36 of The Secret Of Us

But I don’t want to be the only one who benefits from this. I need to know that he’ll get something out of it, too.

“Do you think it’ll make people stop talking about you?”

He shrugs, his mouth tipping downward.

“It might. I’ve got nothing to lose,” he says, and it seems like he really means it.

I look over his face again, my mouth drying as I take him in. I thought he was cute from the first day I saw him, but everything he’s done for me since then has amplified it.

I think through the idea again, questioning if it’s the right thing to do. If I pretend to date him, pretend that he’s my boyfriend, will I be able to separate whatever feelings I have for him? I don’t know exactly what they are, and we haven’t been friends for long, but something keeps drawing me closer to him.

My phone pings, and we both startle. I look away from him, my heart beating fast as I take my phone out of my pocket.

“Give me your number.” I unlock my phone and hold it out to him, ignoring whatever message just came through. “We can both have some time to think about it and talk later?”

He takes it from me, enters his number, and saves it before he hands it back to me. I swipe through my notifications, seeing that it was a message from the girls asking where I am.

“I have to go, but I’ll text you,” I tell him, clutching the phone to my chest.

I don’t want to leave him after just asking him to do something so ridiculous. But I know Amelia and Chloe well enough to know they will keep blowing up my phone if they don’t see me.

Noah steps to the side, clearing the path to the door for me. I give him a half-hearted smile that I can barely hold for a few seconds before I walk past him to the door. As I reach it, he says one final thing to me.

“It’ll be okay, Izzy. We’ll figure it out.”

For some reason, I believe him.

* * *

When I getto the dining hall, the girls are already at our table, and I hurry over to them. I take the seat next to Amelia, pinching a chicken nugget from her plate.

“Where have you been, young lady?” Chloe asks, resting her chin on crossed fingers.

“I just had to run back to my room to get something,” I lie. I can’t tell them about my harebrained plan with Noah when he hasn’t even agreed to it yet. I change the subject, hoping they won’t ask any more questions. “What were you guys talking about?”

“University applications,” Amelia groans, throwing her head back and letting her arms flop at her sides like she’s died. I prop her back up again, patting her back.

“When’s the deadline again?” I ask, feigning interest.

I haven’t told the girls that I’m not going to university. Any time it comes up in conversation, I let the two of them discuss it and make excuses. I tell them I’m still undecided about what I want to study, and which universities I want to apply to. But maybe if I do tell them, it’ll help me come to terms with the decision I’m making.

“Late January? I can’t remember exactly. I want to get it all done before Christmas anyway,” Chloe says.

I nod, the food in my mouth feeling impossible to chew as I swallow it down. I take the carton of apple juice they got for me before I arrived, attempting to pop the straw through the top, but it doesn’t work. I try again and again, my frustration with myself building as I listen to them making plans for the future. They both want to attend the same university and have already decided on their degrees. And the most terrifying thought hits me.

Will I be part of that future?

I’ve never even considered a life without either of them. But if they both move to the same city without me, it’s only natural that we’ll grow distant as they grow closer. I know they’d try to keep up the friendship, but we’ve been so close for so long, I don’t know what separation will do for us—for me.

Liquid covers my hand, and I look down to see apple juice everywhere, the carton crushed in my clenched fingers.

“Woah,” Amelia says, shuffling her chair away from mine. She grabs a napkin and starts wiping the table down, while Chloe pries my fingers open and takes the carton from me before dabbing at my hand. “You okay?”

“I’m not going to university,” I confess, saying the words out loud for the first time.

They both stop cleaning the table, staring at me as they freeze. Amelia drops the soaked napkin she’s holding, and Chloe stops patting my hand.

I look away from both of them, not wanting to see the moment their shock turns into disappointment.

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