Page 31 of The Secret Of Us

“You too.”

I turn away from him and walk toward the car, a huge grin still on my face. When I get in, I realise Noah hasn’t moved an inch. I lift my hand to wave at him, and he does the same back, more enthusiastically than he intended to, it seems, because then he grips the back of his neck instead. His mouth moves, but I can’t make out what he’s saying before he turns away to walk toward the gym.

“Who is that?” Violet asks. I shift my head to look at her, noticing that she’s following him with her eyes.

“Noah. He’s new,” I say, fastening my seatbelt.

“He just joined this year?”

“Yeah, we sit next to each other in homeroom and have a few classes together.”

“Interesting,” is all Violet says as she starts the drive away from school.

“I don’t like the way you said that.”

“All I said was interesting.”

I can already tell she’s getting strange ideas in her head.

“He’s just a friend. Barely even that.”

I regret adding the last part instantly, the words not sitting right in my mouth.

“Isaac was just a friend to me once and now look at us.”

“Okay, but you guys are different. You’ve got that whole written in the stars thing going on. Meanwhile, my stars just spell out loneliness.”

“Don’t say that about yourself,” she chastises gently, reaching over to squeeze my knee. “You’ve got a great group of friends around you, you’ve got the hockey team, and you’ve got me and Isaac.”

I can only sigh at her words, and she takes the cue to end the conversation there. I lean my elbow against the window, my head resting on my palm as I stare out the window at the trees passing by.

I know Violet means well, but hearing that from someone in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever witnessed with the person she’s loved for so many years, just hurts.

I desperately want to believe that I’ll have that kind of love, find my person, and live happily ever after. But I can’t see that in my future.

I’ve imagined how it would play out so many times—bumping into a random stranger and feeling that instant connection, sparking up a friendship with someone new, and realising they’re the one for me. But every time I picture the whole timeline of the relationship, it never ends well.

They break up with me because I’m too loud all the time. They break up with me because I tell them about my parents, and if my parents can leave me so easily, they can too. They break up with me because I’m not good enough.

I shift in my seat, angling myself more toward the door so Violet can’t see how I’m blinking rapidly to fight back the sting in my eyes.

Of course, I’m happy with the relationships I have in my life. I love my friends; they mean the world to me, and I can’t imagine a life without them. I love Isaac and Violet, and the makeshift family they’ve created with their friends that I’ve been adopted into.

But I want a different kind of relationship.

I want someone I can call at any time of the day. Someone I can spend all my quiet moments with as well as my busy ones. I want to know what it’s like to have that one person I can call mine. I want to know what it feels like to be that for someone else. I want to be so in love that it feels like nothing in the world can stop me, like I’m invincible.

I know I have a good life, and I’m fortunate to have so many good people around me. I also know that I don’t need romantic love to feel fulfilled and happy.

But in the late hours of the night, in that quiet moment before the sun wakes up and it feels like I’m the only person in the world, I want so desperately to be loved that it feels like my heart is cracking inside my chest.

I think that’s why I ended up with Ryan. I was so desperate to be part of something, to think I could have someone who was only there for me. But he wasn’t that. I tried convincing myself so much that he was the one for me, but now I’m out of it. I don’t know how I ever thought he could be.

I rub at my chest as if it’ll get rid of that breaking feeling, my other hand shifting from where it’s resting on my cheek to cover my mouth instead as I feel my chin start to tremble. I look out the window, noticing that we’re getting closer to home, so I even out my breathing, calm myself down before I have to face Violet head-on.

She pulls up to our apartment building, parking the car before we both get out. Violet takes my bag from me as we go up to the fifth-floor apartment. It’s not huge, but it’s comfortably spacious enough for all of us with two bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen and living room.

The smell of chicken curry hits my nose as soon as Violet opens the door, and my stomach rumbles.

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