Page 12 of The Secret Of Us

She nods, leaning back again. I don’t want to go into any more detail. I’ve relived that moment enough times in my head over the summer, and it gets worse every time I think about it. Again, I don’t regret it, but it’s not something I’m proud of either.

“Why should I believe that isn’t your character?” she asks, and it throws me.

I don’t have an answer for her. I’ve given her curt responses, and she can clearly see my hands tucked under my legs, probably thinking I’ve done it to avoid repeating what happened. Everything about my demeanour right now is playing into what she must think of me. I steady myself, lifting my hands to rest them in my lap instead as I prepare to plead my case. I need to convince her and myself that I’m not a bad person.

“At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. That’s what I always want to do, no matter what. And maybe I should have thought about it more and not acted so rashly, but I don’t regret what I did. I did a bad thing, but I’m not a bad person.”

The words leave me in a rush, and I have to take a deep breath after I’ve finished speaking. I could have worded it better and said more to convince her, but I told her the truth, and that’s enough for me.

Mrs. Fisher fixes her gaze on me, a softness in her eyes I haven’t seen from a teacher in a while now.

“I don’t think you’re a bad person, Noah. Far from it.”

My racing heart calms with this tiny bit of validation from her.

“What are your plans for this year?” she continues, seeming genuinely interested.

“Keep my head down, focus on my grades, and just get through it,” I tell her, repeating the mantra my parents have said to me in the last few weeks.

“And outside of studying?” She tilts her head to the side in question.

“That’s all I want to do.”

“Your parents told me you enjoyed playing football at your old school. I think it’ll be good for you to continue that here. I’ll have a word with Mr. Reid about you joining the team.”

I nod, even though I’ve already dismissed the idea in my mind. Joining the team means I’ll have to get close to people again. At this point, I know all too well that people can leave you as easily as they came to you.

There’s a knock at the door and another student enters to pass a message to Mrs. Fisher. He leaves the room as quickly as he came but I don’t miss the way he glanced over at me, trying to figure out why I’ve already been summoned to the head teachers’ office on the first day.

“Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?” she says, getting ready to dismiss me.

“No, thank you.” I shake my head, tiredness setting in from how exhausting this day has been.

“I’ll let you go then so you can relax before dinner. If you need anything at all, Noah, don’t hesitate to come and see me.”

I stand up, saying a quick goodbye to her as I leave the room. The corridors are mostly empty now so I let my shoulders drop, my head hanging low as I make my way back to my room.

As I exit the building, a few groups of students are milling around outside, all bubbling with excitement at being back at school with their friends. I’d never considered boarding school, but it felt like the easiest option for this year. It’s easy to see how close everyone is with each other, and I’ve already started piecing together the friend groups in my class.

The few times throughout the day when I joined Izzy with her friends, it was clear that they felt more like a family. I suppose when you live with people for years like they have, it’s easier to get attached and form those connections. My old group of friends were close with each other, but it’s nothing like what I’ve seen here. That’s evident by how quickly they all cut me off.

When I make it back to my room, I throw my bag onto the desk and lie face down on my bed. Going from spending summer with just my grandparents in rural Korea to being in a school where I’m constantly surrounded by other people is a jarring difference. It’s only the first day and I’m already tired of putting so much energy into the very minimal socialising I’ve been doing.

I need to get up and change for dinner, but I don’t feel like going. I’ve got enough snacks in my room to tide me over until breakfast tomorrow morning. I just want to sleep. My body feels like it’s weighed down with lead, every movement taking all my energy, and I can’t muster the strength to get up.

A persistent knock at my door forces me to though, the dull sound making my head pound. When I open it, I see it’s Mina with, who I assume is Daisy in tow.

I haven’t had the chance to see Mina today. Her schedule is busier than mine, and we have different lunch hours, so we haven’t crossed paths once. She looks happy though, energy emanating from her like a physical glow, and that’s enough for me.

“I’m hungry,” she says, not bothering with any niceties.

“Give me a few minutes. I need to get changed.”

Mina lets out a frustrated groan, but I ignore her, closing my door and quickly changing into a hoodie and gym shorts. Izzy told me we’re allowed to use the gym when we want, so I figure I can get some energy back from eating and then work it off again. When I open my door this time, Mina and Daisy are leaning against the wall, waiting for me.

Lunch is split into two different hours for half the students at a time, but dinner is free for all. It’s already busy when we get there, and I scan the room to try to find a table for the three of us. I manage to find a less crowded one in the middle of the room, the students on it clearing the table as they prepare to leave. I manoeuvre through the tables, Mina and Daisy following behind me. We reach it and secure our spots, and I send the two of them off to get their food while I save the table.

A familiar voice breaks through the loudness. I turn around in my chair, my gaze catching on Izzy as she walks toward the food line. She’s completely engrossed in conversation with Amelia, animated while she speaks.

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