Page 104 of The Secret Of Us

The lightsalong the canal sparkle in the evening light as I search for a place to eat. I spot a small restaurant that seems very clearly targeted toward tourists, but after a couple of hours of travelling, I want the easy option.

I’m shown to a small outside table barely big enough for one person, yet there are two seats for it. When I sit down, I try not to imagine what it would be like to feel a thigh pressed against mine, the warmth of a person sitting beside me as we look over the menu together. I order when the waiter comes around again, and when my food arrives a few minutes later, I take a picture to send to Isaac and Violet.

Izzy

First meal in Amsterdam

Isaac

You went all the way to Amsterdam to eat pizza?

Izzy

I’ll block you

Violet

Ignore him. Eat whatever you want

Isaac

Eat your boring pizza and text us when you get back to your hotel

Izzy

Once I’ve finished eating my boring pizza, I settle the bill and decide to walk around the neighbourhood. Even though it’s getting darker as night draws in, there are enough people and lights around that I feel safe to stay out for a bit longer. When I see a small shop filled with souvenirs, I decide to get a head start on the task Isaac set me of getting a fridge magnet from every new place I visit.

I scan through the selection, settling on one that displays a row of bikes with Amsterdam written below it. Next to the magnets, there’s a rotating case of postcards, and an idea pops into my head. I grab one before I can overthink it, and pay for both items before heading back to my hotel.

I shower and change into pyjamas before I take the postcard out again. It shows colourful houses lining the street above a canal with a few bicycles on the side. I flip it over to the empty side, pull out a bag from my pen, and start writing.

Dear Noah,

I got to Amsterdam a few hours ago. Saying goodbye to Isaac and Violet at the airport was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I can’t imagine what saying it to you would have felt like.

I’m here for a few days in a nice hotel because we both know I can’t be a real backpacker and stay in a hostel. Tomorrow I’m going to rent a bike and just see what I can find around this city.

I hope you’re okay.

Izzy

I cap the pen and place both it and the postcard on the small table next to the bed. I can’t text or call Noah, but I can still speak to him like this.

At first, it was hard to stop myself from contacting him. When exams came around, I wanted to wish him good luck, even though he didn’t need it, because he’s the smartest person I know. I’ve typed and deleted so many messages to him over the past few months.

I want to tell him about my plans, all the places I’m planning on visiting, and the sights I want to see.

I want to ask him if he’s okay, if the pain has lessened for him now, and if he feels better.

I want to ask him if he misses me.

Settling down into bed, I let myself go through the memories we have together. I tap on the photo album that has every picture of the two of us.

I felt too awkward to ask him to pose for photos, so I took them whenever he wasn’t looking. While he played football, or was focused on a textbook, or even when he just spaced out and stared at the wall when we studied together. I wanted to remember every single moment because I knew it would come to an end at some point. I just never imagined it would be like this.

I work back through our history together, eventually making it to our first photos together—the two of us sat on a bench as I convinced him we needed to make our arrangement seem more real. Seeing the way we’re leaning on each other, the smile on our faces, it’s hard to believe that either of us ever thought we’d be able to avoid falling for each other.

I clutch my phone to my chest, pressing down on it above my heart as if it can send some cosmic message to Noah. I hope he hears it and comes back to me.

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