Page 26 of Fluttering Heart

All in all, a perfect second date.

It’s harder, though, when we get back to his place and get in the shower together... when he breaks the kiss and then breaks my heart.

“I need to tell you about my family. I—” He stops and shakes his head. “I have issues. Like real, actual issues with connection. And trust issues, and codependent kinds of issues. I’m also a very nervous person, and I probably have OCD... though I don’t think it affects my life, it actually helps me.”

“Okay,” I murmur, getting worried.

“My family, they’re very closed-minded. My childhood... it wasn’t great.” He talks quickly, as if he just needs to blurt it all out.

And I let him.

I realize at that moment that I’ll always do everything I can to give him what he needs.

“I was clothed and fed, had a roof over my head, and a pillow to lay my head on at night.” That’s far from all a child needs, but I keep quiet. “I just always knew, somehow, even when I was way too little to know, that they didn’t love any of us. Seven children. Between us we didn’t have any of the love I saw you have with your brothers. No matter how much I wanted it, they rejected me. All of them.

“When I left to go to college—something none of them understood why I wanted to do—I told them I was gay and they kicked me out.” The way he says that last part has me clenching my fists. He’s leaving a lot out. He’s downplaying. He has to be if the pain in his eyes is anything to go by. “So I have a lot of issues,” he goes on. “And I want you to know about them. Not to warn you, but to ask you not to take advantage of me because of those issues. I’m already attached to you, I already care, so please,please...” he whispers and can’t talk any more after that.

He only shakes his head, and looking deeply into his eyes, I nod.

“I won’t, cutie. I promise you, I’m attached too. I care too. Way too much already, and that has never happened to me before, I can promise you that. I’m not that way, I’ve never been that way. But everything is so easy with you, I don’t want it to change.”

He nods then too, and there’s no more talking.

I finish washing his hair, his body, then tuck him into bed and slide in behind him and hold him the whole night.

* * *

We’reon the road by seven in the morning. When he told me yesterday morning about the conference call he has later, I could see he was nervous about it, and though I can’t know exactly what’s causing it, I think I can make things a little bit better by rushing us out of his place and beating the traffic out of the city.

In just under forty minutes Lou’s parking his car in my driveway and I lead him inside with some nerves of my own.

I love my house, I really do, and I hope he at least doesn’t hate it.

It’s nothing out of this world, really. Just one story, three bedrooms—one of which I use as my office—and it’s a bit old, but I’ve done some repairs...

Okay, I got my Uncle Ric to do some repairs... mainly to my office.

Yeah, it’s a bit outdated, but the windows are only three years old and the brick facade looks perfect. With a bit of snow on the roof and in the front yard, it looks idyllic to me.

And I hope it does to him too.

“Your house looks like something out of those cheesy Christmas movies.”

“Is ... that good?”

“Yeah,” he says brightly, turning to look at me. “I want a full tour but?—”

“After your conference call, come on.”

We dump our bags in the living room, and with his briefcase on his shoulder he follows me to the office.

“Oh my God,” he whispers, with awe I’m pretty sure.

It’s one wall of windows, floor to ceiling, that look out at the back yard and the forest beyond. The other three walls are the best part. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases. My desk extends out of the bookcase in the far corner and faces the windows.

“I made those with my grandpa and uncle,” I tell Lou proudly and point them out. Iamproud of them... of having them if not making them. “In all honesty I’ve never been great with... tools,” I hedge and Lou laughs a little. “I basically told them what I wanted, and after the hard stuff of the build was done I helped with sanding and staining.”

“They’re incredible, Finn.”

---