Page 134 of Brace and Chase

“It’ll be fine, sweetheart.”

He pulls me up and drags me up the stairs to our bathroom. Yes, it’s ours, and that makes me feel a little better.

The only thing I need to feel better about... everything, is to maybe try and feel a bit more safe inus.

But how can I do that without spooking him into changing the subject?

Well, I can trap him in the shower and make him talk to me.

“The whole world’s about to know, Nik,” I whisper, trying to start the conversation in a way that won’t make him realize where it’s going.

“I know,” he says simply as he reaches for the shampoo.

When suds are covering his head and there’s no way he can run away, I just go for it.

“I don’t know if I want to retire, or if I want to play next year. I don’t know if I can go through this again.”

He freezes on the spot. And if I didn’t feel so fragile at the moment then I’d probably laugh at the picture he makes, scrambling to get all the soap off his face and head.

“What do you mean go through this again?” he demands.

“You know exactly what I mean, Nik. I’m tired. All the time. Everything hurts. And even worse, now I get to feel more fear than I thought possible just at the thought of you getting hit again. And of course I’d never tell you to retire, or to stop playing for me. I don’t want that. But do you remember what you said when I went down and hurt my wrist?”

“Yeah,” he says softly.

“You said it was awful seeing me go down on the ice. Now just imagine what it was like for me, seeing you go down andnot get back up. You were out, Nik. And I couldn’t even go in the fucking ambulance with you.”

“Sweetheart—”

“No.” I step back and hold my hands up. “This is not about convincing you or you convincing me. This is about the facts. And I don’t know what I want. My house is almost done in Crushville, and I do want to live there. But I also want to be with you. I’m just laying my very unclear cards on the table here. I want you to know that whatever we choose I will choose you.”

“Okay.” He looks like he wants to say more, like the words are about to brim out of him, but his mouth stays stubbornly shut while he goes back to washing.

I’m not mad about the simple response. I know it’s a lot. The implication, the fear of what comes next. So I actually prefer that he takes his time to think about it. As long as he does spend time thinking about it.

I just don’t want him to avoid shit any longer.

“I’m not ignoring what you said earlier,” he says suddenly when we’re getting into bed for our pre-game nap. It’s gonna be a quick one since we need to get to the arena before anyone else so I can talk to Gab.

“That’s good,” I tell him simply, and burrow in.

“But I’m wondering what your plan is for retirement?”

“Ah,” I sigh. “Well, my uncle Leo has earned his retirement.So I convinced him I’m a good enough chef to take over Lala’s restaurant.”

“You want to be a chef?” he asks, or more like screeches.

“I do,” I tell him, smiling and amused at his reaction. “What about you?”

“Oh, retirement?” he asks, shaking his head. “I have no plan. Only thing I already did is get my citizenship so I can stay here after Gab kicks me off the team.”

“She’s not going to kick you off the team,” I tell him, rolling my eyes at his dramatic ways. “If she went to all the trouble of getting me here, then the one thing we can assume is she cares about you. Even if her actions are suspicious, if she didn’t care about you, she would’ve told you to your face you’re no longer welcome.”

He stares for a long moment, and then shakes his head again. “I hadn’t thought of it that way, but yeah. If she really wanted to get rid of me, she could’ve done it in an easier way. Now...” He trails off.

“What?”

“I did have a thought about something else before we got home.”

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