Page 60 of Brace and Chase

“What the fuck did he say to you to get you to stop hating him?” he hisses, leaning in. I understand this is something he doesn’t wantanyoneto hear, so I speak softly too.

“He explained the circumstances.” I feel like that’s enough information, but I’m quickly proven wrong when Jules only gets more agitated.

“You’ve hated him for years. He’s actually the only person you’ve ever hated, and you got over it with anexplanation?!”

Okay, when he puts it that way . ..

“Look,” I start and shift in my seat. “It was a huge misunderstanding. I am not going to go into details because it is inconsequential now... I thought he had made fun of someone specific, but turns out he was making fun of someone else. Someone who deserved to be made fun of,” I clarify.

Jules looks like he’s trying to process every word carefully, so I give him time.

“Just like that?” he asks, clearly trying to make sure I’m not just bullshitting him.

“Just like that,” I confirm. Then I sigh, and expand as much as I feel I can. “I am not saying it just disappeared—the hate—but I am getting used to talking to him by reminding myself of the truth. Of the reality. Hating him was like pushing a giant boulder up a hill, and now all that weight is gone it is like it was never there to begin with. I made the boulder up because I was already resentful toward Heart to begin with, because of all the comparisons. I have accepted that now—my part in it all.”

Again, Jules takes a long moment to think over everything I just said, and I appreciate it, I really do. He’s always been thoughtful and analytical.

“Yeah, he’s never seemed like a bad guy, certainly not bad enough to do something to piss you off that much.”

I take that as the peace offering it is. He won’t push me to tell him the minute details of it all. The relief is short lived when my phone lights up with two texts.

Max

I saw you got benched.

Are you okay?

I delete them in the practiced way I’ve developed over the last few years, and Jules’s sigh from next to me tells me he read what they said.

“You’re still doing that, huh?” he asks, in a deceptively easy tone.

“Yup,” I answer simply. Then again I feel like I owe him more. He’s been the one to be with me for it all—him and Bear and Mater—so yeah, I do owe himthis. “I know what you think about it, so it will be best for us if we do not discuss it any longer.”

Jules allows me only a second of silence.

“You’re going to regret it,” he tells me, not unkindly.

I shake my head.

“I already have more than enough regrets for a lifetime.”And this one won’t be one of them, I add silently.

Jules stands and claps me on the shoulder silently, then walks up the aisle to get into his seat next to Mater.

I see Bear giving me a painfully sympathetic smile from across the airplane, and this time I can’t be grateful for it.

Charlie comes back, and I stand to let him pass, then take my seat again. He doesn’t say anything, but the way his lips are naturally turned up at the corners, and the relaxed look of his shoulders, tells me that whatever he talked aboutwith Mater helped him—unlike anything I said to him last night.

Jealousy burns in my gut. I know it well, having felt it for so many years when it comes to Charlie. But this time I’m not jealous ofhim.

God, I have to get rid of this fucking feeling. All the feelings. They need to be burned and buried.

But it’s not that easy. When is anything?

I reach into my backpack and pull out my big headphones, the ones that are like a sign to anyone around me that says in big, bold letters, “DON’T TALK TO ME.”

It’s not until Charlie has done the same, though, that I play music.

TWENTY-ONE

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