Page 44 of Brace and Chase

I carry the suitcase up to the guest bedroom Mom set up beside the one she used, and leave it there, only to see Nikolay coming up the stairs carrying two duffels, a pillow, and a backpack.

“No second trip for you, huh?” I ask with an eye roll and let him pass. He snorts at that, which surprises me, but then he dumps it all on the king-sized bed and turns to look at me.

That’s when I can’t hold it in anymore.

“I’ve been trying to make you talk to me all these months, but right now I just need you to listen and then you can talk all you want to, okay?” He nods, frowning as he sits on the side of the bed.

Okay then, time to start talking now, Charlie.

That voice in my head isn’t helping, like at all. I pace in front of Nikolay for a minute, trying to figure out how I’m supposed to start this conversation.

Then I remember Uncle Enzo’s words, and I stop, then turn to him and sigh.

“I need to apologize—no, Iwantto apologize for kissing you. That wasn’t right, and it’s never going to happen again. So you don’t have to worry about it at all, okay?”

“What?”

“It’s never right to kiss someone when they haven’t told you they want it, and you clearly don’t want to fucking kiss me. Besides, there’s the whole being a man thing that just?—”

“What, you think I’m a fucking homophobe?” he explodes, standing.

I’m the one frowning then. This, I can’t ignore anymore. We’ll get back to my apology after.

“What the fuck is up with your accent?” I ask instead of answering him. “You sound totally American.”

He waves a hand in the air carelessly. “That’s not important. Now answer my question.”

It takes me a second but then I remember.

“Oh, no,” I assure him. “I don’t think you’re a homophobe. You’re in constant contact with queer men and as far as I’ve been able to tell you accept them just fine. I have no reason to believe you’re a homophobe.”

“Then why themancomment?” he emphasizes the word.

“Because I’m not queer and I thought you... weren’t?” I falter, thinking I’ve really fucked things up now. “Are you?” He opens his mouth to answer but I realize how rude that is to ask—if he wants to tell me, he will—and so I shake my head at him. “Forget I asked. Point is, kissing you like that was wrong and it won’t happen again.”

He seems to deflate, falling back to sit on the bed. For a moment there, he looks lost, like he doesn’t know where togo from here. I’m expecting him to ask me why I kissed him or what’s up with me, but he doesn’t.

His eyes look resolute when they clash with mine and I somehow know what he’s going to ask before he does.

“Why did you come out of retirement to play for the Pirates?”

For just a second, I consider telling him part of the truth—that I want to win a Stanley Cup in my career, and that I honestly knew I had the best chance at getting that here.

But I’m not going to do that. After kissing him, after the almost-fight on the ice, after being punished for all of it, and now that we have to live together for the foreseeable future, I can’t keep this from him.

If I do, I know I’ll destroy any chance of us ever working through whatever I did to him in the past to make him hate me so much. And call me a perfectionist who needs to be praised or whatever, but I seriously dislike the feeling of being hated... the feeling of not being liked. It’s like an itch, and I want to make it go away.

“Gab called me.” I start the story the only way I know how. “I was packing up my house in Atlanta and she called me. She offered me four million, a one-year, no-trade contract, and a chance at the Cup all in exchange for a favor. She told me that normally she would’ve made me sign an NDA, but since there wasn’t any time for that I swore to her I wouldn’t tell anyone and she said...” I trail off and have to swallow hard because my words come rushing back.

I swear on my father’s grave.

“What?” Nikolay snaps, looking murderous.

“Fuck, man, just give me a damn minute, okay?” Jesus, he gets on my nerves. “I swore on my father’s grave that I wouldn’t discuss this with anyone in the league, okay? So please forgive me for taking a minute to get ready to break that promise.”

“All right,” he says, not looking the least bit happy. He stands and opens his suitcase while I try to slow down my heartbeat.

I send a silent apology to my father. I know he’d understand, though, and the worst thing of all is that I think Gab would too. I think if she knew I told Nikolay so there could be real trust between us, she’d understand.

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