Page 131 of Brace and Chase

We tell Laney there’s something urgent we have to deal with, and he must be able to see the mess of emotions on our faces because he lets us go without argument.

The silence on our way home means I get time to think.

Rationally, logically, and make a list.

I need to check in with Charlie, make sure he’s not more upset than me by the world finding out he’s not straight.

I’m honestly fine with it, except I do wish I had the chance to tell my brother myself. I have no idea what he’ll think about it. Answering his texts hasn’t clued me in to his values as an adult for fuck’s sake.

But that’s a problem for another day.

I have to ask Charlie if he’s okay with the world finding out we’re together, or if he wants to deny it.

Just thinking it hurts, but I have to ask.

So those are the first things I ask when we step through the front door.

He doesn’t answer straight away, but looks deeply into my eyes and thinks about it. I appreciate that he does it, which means he’s really listening to me and ready to get to work.

“I don’t care about the queer thing. Jules, Bear, and Benny have gone through it before and shut up the haters. And seriously, Nikolay?” He explodes then. “You’re telling me you wannakeephiding when there’s an out? When wecan finally stop lying to our team? Now you wanna back out?”

“What?” I ask, voice high-pitched. “No, I don’t want to back out. It would be a lie. I don’t want to break up with you.” My words come out faster than I can think about them.

“Then what the fuck?” he explodes.

“I don’t know,” I shout back. “I’m just trying to give you all your options and?—”

“Don’t fucking tell me about my options, Nik. God, you infuriating man.”

“I don’t know what you want from me,” I tell him weakly.

“I wantyou.” He keeps screaming and points at me. “Just you. Why can’t you just fucking get that through your thick fucking skull?”

“I don’t know,” I scream back. “I don’t know why you want me.” The truth slips out without my permission and he looks at me with so much pity I can’t stand it. “Don’t,” I warn and step back.

“If you take another step I swear to God, Nik, I’m gonna be so mad.”

As far as threats go, it’s not the best one, but it does the trick.

“I don’t want you to be mad at me. But it’s all I seem to do.” And the evidence is right in front of him.

He scoffs, though. Loudly.

“No you don’t. You make me laugh more than anyoneand you make me fucking happy. Except when you’re being an asshole and making me feel like you’re not really as in this relationship as I am.”

“I don’t want to make you feel like that.” My words sound like pleas, like I’m begging him to believe me. “Never. I am in this. We’re boyfriends, right? I said so. You said so. I haven’t been anyone’s boyfriend in more than a decade. And I only want to be your boyfriend.”

“Well good, because I want that too.”

His words are nice but his tone is still angry. It makes me pause and think back to everything he’s said.

“So . . . we’re not denying anything,” I surmise.

“No we’re not,Santa Claus,” he deadpans.

Damn, he only calls me that when he’s angry.

“Okay, I’m sorry.”

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