Page 96 of Worlds Collide

It’s the second episode, and when it finally dawns on me that Wolf is the guest, I click on it so fast that my phone almost falls from my hand.

“I’m begging you mate,don’t take this the wrong way—”It’s Ed’s British voice that I hear as soonas the episode starts, but he’s quickly interrupted by Wolf.

“Oh you know I’m absolutely going to take this the wrong way.”My breath freezes in my lungs at the sound of his deep baritone. I guess that’s a teaser they used as an intro? I’m not a big podcast listener, so I have no idea if that’s usual or not.

But then there’s some electric guitar music and Ed’s voice again, welcoming everyone to his podcast “Here for a good time.”

“I’m here with one of my good friends, an amazing songwriter and half of the world-renowned band, The Storm. He has fifteen Grammys, and he’s an all around pretty sour guy, but I love him anyway. How are you, Wolf?”You can hear the humor in his voice.

“I’m fine, asshole.”His usual growly voice comes through.

“Hey, it’s a family friendly show.”

“You’re the one who invited me. You can suck it up.”

Again, there’s laughter, and I want more than anything to be the one laughing with Wolf.

“Since you’re being nice,”Ed says, sarcasm dripping from every word.“I’m going to start with the hard question. You went to rehab about a year ago, what’s up with that and how are you now?”Something tells me this was the plan all along, to get the first big thing out of the way before the rest of the interview. And I’m proven right when Wolf speaks casually.

“Yeah, well I’m an alcoholic, and it was time to get some help.”

“Did it work?”Ed asks just as casually.

“Yeah, man. I just got my one-year chip. I’ve been working on myself this whole year, trying to get my shit together.”

“You’ve been working on some music?”

“Not officially. Birdie was beyond ready for a break when we finished our last tour, and Mom’s song just kind of got in the middle of all that. We made the plan to do an album with a bunch of songs we wrote with her and put those out, but then Birdie got married and he just wanted to enjoy life for a bit, you know?”

“I understand that,”Ed says and it sounds like he does.

“Yeah, so I’ve been writing and we’re slowly getting back into the groove, but we’re not in a hurry.”

“For me it seems like the best songs always come to you when you’re not trying to write an album, but that’s just my experience.”

“Speaking of your experience,”Wolf says.“You’ve been in this industry for more than thirty years, putting out albums pretty regularly up until about five years ago. How the fuck did you manage to stay clean throughout your career and not fall into all those pitfalls we mortals do?”I’m guessing he’s talking about addiction, and I’m genuinely eager to hear Ed’s answer.

“Well, to be fair, and I’m begging you mate, don’t take this thewrong way—”I remember this was the intro and laugh because I know what’s coming,

“Oh you know I’m absolutely going to take this the wrong way.”

Ed chuckles too before he keeps going.

“Okay, fine, get pissed at me, see if I care. I got my career in a very different way than you. And it was a different time. Like, I got started I think a few years before you were even born. And yeah, I was a fifteen-year-old kid who could sing and play the guitar and I had a lot of luck in getting signed and getting my first record deal, but I became a dad at sixteen, mate. And Sam and I took that parenting shit seriously even then and even though we were both kids too. We wanted to keep our careers alive, and we made a lot of sacrifices for it, but we had this immediate full stop where we realized that we had to find a balance or we’d put what we love most at risk.

“So to be frank, I think if I didn’t have that back then, I might’ve done more drugs, I might’ve partied a lot more than I did. But you my boy, well, I’m sorry if no one’s told you this before, but you got fucked over before you even started out in the industry. Life was just hard for you from the start.”

“Well, I wasn’t completely fucked over,”Wolf grumbles lightheartedly, surprisingly. I have a vague idea of what they’re going to talk about next, and I don’t know how Wolf could ever be lighthearted about any of it.“I had my Mom, who proved her love for us, and she never let us go without anything—”Ed interrupts him.

“Believe me. No one doubts your ma’s love for you two. I mean the first time I heard that hauntingly beautiful lullaby she wrote for you...”Ed pauses and has a choked voice when he speaks again.“I still get choked up just thinking about it. I understand that love, because I have four kids, and even though it would break myessence, I would do the same thing your ma did to protect them. Not that Sam is a bad mother,”he quickly amends and Wolf bursts out laughing.I do too because the sudden panic in Ed’s voiceisfunny.

“I feel very lucky that I can now smile when I hear that song,”Wolf says.“But yeah, there was definite trauma in my childhood, and I never got past it, never worked through it. Even though I had a lot of love and a lot of support, I didn’t know how to accept it. Not really.”

“Why do you think that is?”

There’s a marked pause and I can hear the deep breath Wolf takes.

“Guilt. I’ve always felt guilty.”My throat closes immediately. How can he feel guilty?

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