Page 86 of Worlds Collide

I close it, maybe a bit too forcibly, and walk over to the armchair. I couldn’t possibly sit next to him right now.

“For what?” I ask him as I lower myself to the cushion.

“For leaving without waking you up.”

I can only nod. I’ve thought a million times about what would’ve happened if he’d woken me up. I’m still not sure what I would’ve done.

“And for running away before, the first time.” He keeps going. “I’m sorry I assumed your life was perfect and acted like that would be something to mock you about. I’m sorry I let my jealousy of that take over, and that I acted that way because I couldn’t handle how much I wanted you.

“Like everyone else, I thought you were straight. I was sure I’d never have a shot with you, and that...” He trails off, looks down at his lap, and shakes his head. I can only stare in disbelief. He’s... talking a lot. “Well, I wasn’t really equipped to handle that anger, process it, and let it go. I took it out on you and I’m really sorry about that. I regret that more than you can know.”

I can’t speak for the longest time. This is exactly the apology I never thought I would get, but it’s so much more.

“I don’t want you to apologize for that,” I whisper. “I—” I clearmy throat, this isn’t something I’m ever going to admit to another human except him, because it’s embarrassing, but it’s also the truth. After everything that’s happened, the least I can do is be honest with him. “I liked the attention.” I shrug, and can’t keep looking at him when he looks up sharply and right into my eyes. “All my life I had attention for all the wrong reasons, but never from those who I really wanted it from. I had Adam and his family, and they’re my family.” I take a moment to nod, because it’s the truth, that’s exactly what they are. “But with everyone in our friends group, I never really had anyone’s attention for long, so it felt nice,” I whisper and the last word is barely audible.

There’s another long beat of silence. I’m pretty sure we just don’t know what to say. I don’t know what the hell I want, but maybe?—

“Oh, and thank you. For apologizing for leaving.” I nod and finally look at him. He smiles softly, and there’s something very different about him, but I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is. Maybe it’s that he seems less... haunted? That could be it I guess. But now what do I say? Is there anything more to say? Or is this just it? Oh, wait! “I told your brother that I found?—”

“I figured out a lot of shit in rehab.” He speaks at the same time as me and stops at the same time as me. I nod for him to go on. Despite everything, I do want to know how he’s doing. “One of the things was that I’ve been very unhappy for a long time, and that I need to find a way to be happy again. By myself.”

I try not to let it show how his words pierce me, but I’m not sure I’m successful by the way Wolf winces.

“That makes sense,” I tell him quietly.

“I need to be away from Hawk and Derek too, for a while—not forever. But I just need to.”

“Okay.” I nod, thinking there’s more by the tone of his voice.

“So, I’m moving to New York. For a year at least.”

Everything inside me freezes. I knew I wasn’t going to see him every other day, but moving to the other side of the country? There’s no way I’lleversee him.

Fuck. I haven’t even begun to process it when he just keeps talking.

“I need to be alone and figure out a lot of things about myself, CJ,” he tells me almost like he’s begging me to understand. I nod, not wanting him to think I have anything against this.

Of course I don’t want the man I’m still in love with to live so far away from me, but I do understand it. I wish—goddammit, I wish I could go with him, but isn’t what he just said the same thing that I wanted for myself after I got the trust fund?

All my life I’d been someone with an assigned personality, wardrobe, job, dreams.

None of those were mine, and when I got the chance to finally figure it out on my own, I immediately attached myself to Wolf.

So yeah, I understand.

Does it make me want to run away so he won’t see me fight off tears? You bet it does. But that—shit. I stand quickly and mutter an apology. “Excuse me please, I’ll be right back.”

I go into my bedroom and lean against the closed door. Breathe in, breathe out, and repeat about a million times.

I can get through this.

TWENTY-FIVE

WOLF

I standon autopilot as CJ basically runs out of the room. This isn’t going the way I thought it would.

To be perfectly honest I had doubted he’d even let me come in.

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