Page 80 of Worlds Collide

“Yeah,” he says quietly then clears his throat. “So Wolfie had been seeing CJ—” I interrupt him with a grunt. “Or I thought hehad, but I didn’t want to pester him with questions because he clearly didn’t want to talk about it. But CJ got suspended from his job.” I literally bite my tongue to stop myself from interrupting him there. “He told me all about that and I just figured he could come to the ranch and stay a while. But CJ told me to ask Wolfie first.

“So I called Wolfie and I screwed up there.” He stops again to take a deep breath. “I said he lost his job instead of being suspended, and I guess that made Wolfie think it was his fault, and then he talked to CJ and found out it was only a suspension, so he came to my place and we fought.”

“Is that all?” Adrian asks, impassive. Hawk nods and straightens his arms with hands locked between his legs, but then he looks up and bites his lower lip the way he does when he knows he has to say something he doesn’t want to say. “Then?—”

“Actually,” Hawk interrupts and looks at me then quickly away. He turns to Derek, who nods and throws an arm over Hawk’s shoulders. “When Wolf relapsed, Rich called Dee, and Dee told me and I—” He cuts himself off by literally covering his mouth.

“What?” I demand. It takes him forever but finally he answers.

“I called CJ,” he whispers. “I said awful things, and told him to stay away from you.”

I grip the armrests as hard as I can to stop myself from lunging at my brother, but I do accept in that moment, that there’s no way in hell we’re going to have a peaceful, quiet conversation.

“You’re such a fucking asshole,” I mutter darkly and stare at the side of his face. “You had no right.” I’m still fighting hard not to scream at him.

“I know,” he whispers, still not looking at me. He nods a few times and wipes away a tear.

“Stop fucking crying,” I snap at him. “You don’t fucking get tocry!” And there’s the scream which at least gets Hawk to look at me.

“Wolf,” Adrian says urgently. “Let’s all calm down.” But I’m way past suggestions for peaceful and productive conversations.

“You’re a controlling piece of shit, Hawk, and either you stop—like stop for real and understand that you don’t have any say over me or my life or my drinking—or I promise you, I will never speak to you again,” I tell him, slowly standing up. “You think you know what I need. That you know what’s best for me. Fucking inviting CJ to the ranch when I kept running away from him to save us both the pain. Buying a huge fucking ranch so I don’t have to socialize with anyone because that wouldn’t be good for me, would it? And of course we can’t have the world believing I’m not perfect right,Birdie?” I say his nickname with derision.

“What makes you say that?” Hawk asks, confused.

“Because addiction is something to be ashamed of, right?!” I demand raising my voice again.

“Hey, back off,” Derek says, standing and squaring up to me. The dude could take me out in two seconds flat. I know this, he knows this. But I. Don’t. Care.

“No, you back off. You don’t get to save him from this, okay? You don’t get to decide when he’s done something right or wrong, Derek. He. Is.My. Brother. And he fucked me over, okay? Oh, but it’s all to protect me.” I mock pout, looking down at Hawk again. “Bullshit! It’s to protect himself. It’s to make sure no one knows anything more about what a screw-up I am, isn’t it?” I focus hard on Hawk and his stunned look. The lone tear sliding down his cheek and his sad look all do nothing to me this time.

He can’t get out of this conversation—of facing the consequences of his actions—just because he’s sensitive. Just because he’s hurting too.

Because then what would happen tomyhurt?

What about what I feel? What I need?

“You’ve known about codependency a lot fucking longer than I’ve known about addiction, so please explain to me how you didn’t realize how fucked up it was to ask me to hide my addiction? How did you not realize that it would only make everything inside me boil up again, huh?” I’m screaming now, and I don’t care. “No, don’t look away. Don’t hide from this. You fucked up, Hawk. You made me feel like the lowest scum in the world and now you have to face it, even if you don’t want to. You’re a fucking adult, so act like it for once. Tell mewhy,” I scream the last word.

“I’m sorry,” he screams back at the same time as Derek shoves me—very lightly for him, but I still look at him, feeling the betrayal to the marrow of my bones.

“Stop,” he growls at me, and that just makes me want to punch his stupid perfect nose. Hawk stands and shouts before I can though.

“Derek, leave.” I actually stumble a little at the surprise of hearing my brother say those words.

“What?” Derek asks in a whisper.

“You’re not acting like Wolf’s friend right now. You’re acting like my husband, and that’s fine. But if that’s all you can do, then you have no place here.” A beat of silence where we all just stare at Hawk, breathing hard. “Wolfie’s right. I fucked up and I didn’t realize. I thought I was helping but all I was, was stupid, naïve, and cruel. He’s right, and if you can’t see that, if you won’t let him speak to me like he needs to, then you have to leave. Right. Now.”

I see Derek swallow hard as he lets his arms fall limp at his sides. After a long moment, he nods at Hawk and leaves without looking back at me.

I’m not sure why, but that’s what finally breaks me.

He won’t even look at me.

He won’t even try to be my friend again.

“Fuck,” I whisper furiously and stumble back to my chair, fall helplessly, and cover my face as the tears pour out of my eyes. It’s just too much.

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