Page 55 of Worlds Collide

“But it could be more?” I ask quietly.

“Yeah, I guess. But I really doubt it.” I manage another big breath after that and just let myself enjoy the hug. It’s been so long since anyone’s hugged me for more than a pat or a bro hug ... It feels nice.

“I really need to leave this place,” I tell him quietly, still unwilling to let go of him.

“I understand now, but you really scared me. I thought you were running away from me again.” He chuckles at the end, but I know he has more than enough evidence to believe I’d do that, and that’s just fucking sad.

I don’t want to do that anymore, though. When I’m with CJ I feel... well,good. And I don’t feel that way about anything these days so... I slowly step back, not really wanting to, but needing CJ to see I mean what I’m about to tell him.

“I don’t want to run away from you, CJ. Trust me, I don’t?—”

“Why does it feel like you’re about to saybuuuut?” he asks with a sad smile.

“Because I’m leaving. I’m done with Hawk making me feel like shit for even existing. I’m done with letting him. I already feel likeshit stuck to the bottom of an old shoe without him helping. I need to leave.” I end on a whisper.

“Then let me go with you.” I open and close my mouth to say something about fifty times but I just can’t answer him for the longest time. Thankfully, he keeps going. “Let me take you far away where they won’t be able to bother you. I feel like shit a lot of the time too,” he says and looks away. “I’m not saying I know what you feel, because I don’t, but today, it was good, right?” I nod wordlessly. “I felt good just goofing off with you, and seeing you bite back your laughs at my awesome jokes.”

I snort at that but he keeps going before I can tell him his jokes aren’t that good—oh well, it would’ve been a lie anyway.

“I have a little less than three months to kill, a plan to put together on where I’m going to spend billions of dollars—that you can help with if you want—and you’ve got to figure out what you want your relationship with your brother to be like from now on.” I start to shake my head but again he just keeps going. “You two love each other, Wolf, don’t tell me you don’t because I was here on Hawk and Derek’s wedding day, and I know that kind of love when I see it, so don’t argue. But you have to put yourself first for once when it comes to him and I think that some time away might help you figure out what that is.

“The way you exploded today only happened because you’ve never fought, and because you’ve been keeping it all in, am I wrong?” he demands with a raised eyebrow and I shake my head. “So why don’t you just run away with me?” He ends it with a beautiful, mischievous smile that makes me want to promise him I’ll follow him forever and to the end of the world if that’s where he wants to lead me.

But . . .

“I’m no good for anyone, CJ.” I tell him the hard truth.

“That’s not true, Wolf. You’re?—”

“You need to listen to me,” I interrupt. “I need to be alone, really alone, and just get my shit together. You’re going to be better off if you just step back right now and never see me again.”

“I don’t believe that.” He sets his jaw and looks at me, resolute.

“What more evidence do you need?” I spread my arms so he can see all of me. “I’m a recovering alcoholic musician who isn’t even making any music. I have nothing to do other than to be pissed off. The one family member I’m close to doesn’t trust me enough to treat me like an adult, CJ. I’m not even one year sober and I already fucked up the celibacy rule with you. Nothing I do is right, and nothing I want to do is sane. All I want is to be left the fuck alone so that if I screw up at least I’ll be the only one I’m hurting.” My chest heaves with harsh breaths but CJ doesn’t seem the least bit fazed by my rant.

What else can I tell him so he’ll believe me?

“I don’t believe for a second that you being alone is the only way for you to start building the life you really want to have. I also don’t have anyone, not really.”

“Yes, you do,” I argue loudly. “You have your parents, Adam, his whole family, and you havesomany friends. I have Rich,” I say, knowing exactly how pathetic it is. “And he’s my employee. I bet he’d run the other way screaming if he didn’t feel so damn sorry for me.”

“Please, that man is your friend and you know it. Don’t belittle him or the friendship you’ve built.” Now CJ is screaming at me. Good, maybe this will do the trick. “In any case, hiding away by yourself isn’t going to solve any problems.”

“Then what is it, oh wise one,” I mock. “That’s actually going to help me?”

“Just come with me. Take some time away, but don’trunaway, Wolf. There’s a difference. And I need some time away too.”

I let out a big breath because I don’t even know why I’m trying to convince him to cut me loose. I don’t know why I do any of the things I do, and I’m fucking exhausted from trying to understand. I only want to keep feeling the way I felt today. I want to feel like I’m not just making everyone’s life harder and more complicated, or like my existence is the cause of my brother’s pain. And maybe it’s time I just... try.

“CJ,” I start quietly. “I’m a fucking loose cannon.” I mean for it to sound like a warning. I don’t want him to believe even for a second that he’s not in the firing line, because everyone is, especially him. He’s the one who’s making me so fucking crazy with feelings.

“I know that—” he starts.

“Do you really?” I ask dubiously.

“I’ve already suffered through one of your outbursts, haven’t I? And you apologized and that’s all I need. I don’t want you to change, Wolf. I like you like this. A hot-headed bull seems like the perfect man to me.”

I think he’s joking, but maybe not?

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