Page 34 of Wicked Surrender

“Talk about something else,” I said.

“Nothing new here.” She shrugged. “What about the symposium?” she asked with a small, hopeful smile.

“I’ve been preparing for it,” I said.

“Preparing with the stuff your dad wants you to present? Or the cancer drugs that interested you?”

I opened and closed my mouth. “Both, kind of. But I doubt I’ll have the guts to do the one I want.”

She held my upper arms and stopped me from walking. “Okay. Tell me something. What’s the worst that could happen if you stopped caring about meeting their expectations?”

I stared into her eyes and sighed. “I… I don’t know. I’ve never dared to. Never tried.”

“I know.” She hugged me close. “But if you did. Play the what-if game.”

“What if I presented about the cancer drugs at the symposium?” I asked, hugging her back.

“Or switched to bioengineering. Or stood up to them at all.”

I closed my eyes, relishing in the simple comfort of a hug from my only friend. It’d been too long since I felt comfort or love. With the hell I’d been experiencing, her kindness almost pushed me to tears.

“I don’t know. They’ll be disappointed in me.”

“And what would be new with that?” She sighed, stroking her hand over my hair as if I were a child who needed coddling. “Seriously, what would be worse? They’re disappointed in you by default for no reason, so what’s the difference in their being disappointed in you for something you choose?”

I sniffled and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“The difference would be that you fought for what you wanted, for once in your life. If you can’t ever make them happy, make yourself happy.”

I wished I could. I really did.

“Hey, check it out. Second-Best can’t get it on with her boyfriend so she’s trying out a girlfriend now,” Kevin hollered from the sidewalk near the parking lot.

Kristin parted from me. “Fuck you, Kevin. You want me to come kick your ass?”

“Spoken like a true dyke,” he joked.

“That does it.” She started to gather her hair in a ponytail and stalk over there.

“Fuck, man. Go.” Rory swatted Kevin’s arm, urging him to flee. “She’s at the gym every morning. I think shecouldkick your ass.”

I held on to Kristin’s wrist, though, stopping her. “Don’t. Not on my behalf.”

She growled, shaking her head as we resumed walking to our cars and left.

At home, since the library emailed me that they’d closed due to a water line break, an email I forwarded to Jason, I sighed with relief that I wouldn’t have to face him today.

It almost reeked of cowardice, to want to avoid him, but it wasn’t the same as giving up. I wasn’t. I would stick with my dad’s expectation to tutor Jason untilhequit. But while I thought about it, I hated that I was doing what Kristin had coached me about. That I was bound to disappoint my dad whether I did as he asked or not.

Tutoring Jason had definitely cast a negative effect on my days, but I wasn’t a quitter.

And it’s not because of those dreams.

Or that I can admit he’s seriously hot.

Even the way he teases me and excites me when he’s not actively bullying me.

I wasn’t going to think about him tonight.

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