Page 55 of Between Hate and Desire

My dick grows hard thinking about it, and I know I’m an asshole for considering my own needs at a time like this. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve jerked off to thoughts of her, but now it feels more wrong than before. Still, the desire hits me, and I palm my length, stroking it hard and fast until I’m cursing and releasing a deep, animalistic grunt. I feel like a fucking bastard afterward, but I can never cross that line with her.

Lennon needs a friend right now, someone familiar who knew Brandon as well as she did, and that’s all I ever plan to be. Eventually, she’ll move on, and as I’ve done since day one, I’ll step aside and let her find happiness again.

Because she deserves all the happiness in the world.

That day will be here before I know it. This will be a distant memory, and it’ll be as if our temporary friendship never existed. As painful as it is to think about, the only way I can fully prepare myself for the destruction of my heart is to acknowledge it’s going to happen and even expect it.

“Hey.” Lennon calls out, pulling me from my dark thoughts.

I turn off the water and open the shower curtain at the same time as Lennon opens the bathroom door. Her eyes widen in shock as she stares at my body as if she’s unable to look away. I quickly grab a towel and wrap it around my waist, scrubbing a hand over my face as the water drips down my chest.

“I’m so sorry,” she stammers, covering her eyes and turning around. “I thought you were still showering and wouldn’t hear me, and I clearly shouldn’t have barged in.”

A smile splits my face at how flustered she is, considering the romance novels she’s reading. “Lennon,” I say her name, but she refuses to budge. “I’m wearing a towel now.”

“I-I didn’t see anything. I mean, I saw you, but I didn’tseeanything. Wait, that sounds bad. I mean, I saw, but I wasn’t looking. Or rather, I didn’t mean to look. Like I said, I didn’t think you’d be able to hear me over the water and?—”

I’m full-on laughing now. “Lennon, it’s okay. I turned off the water because I heard your voice and wanted to be able to respond to whatever you needed.”

“It’s not funny. Stop laughing.”

Placing my hands on her shoulder, I spin her around to face me. I tilt up her chin, but she squeezes her eyes tight, and I’m cracking up all over again. “Are you going to look at me?”

She shakes her head. “I’d rather not.”

I smirk. “Okay, what is it you needed then?”

Lennon swallows, still insisting on keeping her eyes shut. “I was going to suggest Chinese food and that I’d order it because now I’m starving and wasn’t sure how much longer you’d be, but I guess that’s irrelevant now.”

Studying her features, I notice the freckles on her nose and how adorable they are. Her long blond hair cascades down her back, and I know she’s hiding blue eyes behind her lids. Whether she throws her hair up in a messy ponytail or she styles it with lots of curls, Lennon always looks gorgeous without even trying. And when she smiles, it brightens the entire room.

“Chinese sounds great,” I tell her softly. “I’ll take the chicken and broccoli with fried rice.”

“Great.” She pinches her lips tight. “I’ll place the order.”

She turns around quickly, then rushes out, shutting the door behind her.

I blink, wondering if that just happened and if things are going to be weird now. The last thing I want is for any awkwardness between us, so I try to think of something funny to say once I’m dressed and back in the living room.

“What season was it where Chandler walked in on Rachel after she took a shower and saw her naked? The whole episode she was embarrassed about him seeing her ‘boobies’ and tried to get him back but ended up walking in on Joey naked instead,” I say with a laugh, hoping to lighten the mood.

“Can we please not talk about it? I’m already embarrassed and unable to look at you now.”

Lennon keeps her head low and avoids eye contact.

“Too soon?” I quip, then realize how red her cheeks still are. “You’reembarrassed?” I ask with amusement. “I had just gotten out of a hot shower, and cold air hit me as soon as you opened the door.” I sit on the other side of the couch. “I’m the one who should be embarrassed here.”

I’m not at all, but she doesn’t need to know that.

But that makes Lennon laugh, and I smile.

“Cold air isn’t good for a man’s pride, by the way. Especially naked,” I add, hoping she stops feeling weird.

“I know you’re feeding me bullshit so I’ll feel less guilty,” Lennon accuses, finally looking up and meeting my gaze. “But thank you. I do feel awful, though. I should’ve waited, but my stomach was growling. After Mason fed me lunch, I buried myself in a book all afternoon and haven’t eaten since then.”

“It’s fine, Lennon,” I tell her honestly. “Did you order?”

“Yep. Should be here in thirty minutes.” She grabs the remote from the coffee table and turns on the TV. “I bought a few seasons ofFriendsso we can start from the beginning.”

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