Page 49 of Between Hate and Desire

Lennon stands with both hands on her hips. “What the fuck?” she scolds in the same tone she used to curse me out in.

I shoot her a grin, though she’s not happy.

“You have no idea what you could’ve just done.” She snatches her phone out of my grip when I take my seat.

I’m confused by her statement, so I narrow my eyes. “What do you mean? And why didn’t you want me to say roommate? That’s what we are.”

She lets out a huff and mutes the TV, then turns toward me. As she looks at me with annoyance and anger on her face, all the air in the room evaporates. I wait for her to tell me what the hell is going on and why this is such a big deal.

“My parents didn’t know Brandon and I lived together,” she explains.

“You never told them?”

“You don’t understand how they are, Hunter. They’re extremely strict and have very outdated beliefs. I wanted them to love Brandon as much as I did, and if they found out I was living with him, they wouldn’t have accepted our relationship. They’re extremely religious, and a man and a woman don’t live together until they’re married. Also, I’m still a virgin.”

I burst out into laughter, realizing she’s not amused.

“They really believe that?” I ask, wondering if she’s joking, but by the serious look on her face, I know she’s not.

“Sometimes it’s easier not to tell them every detail of my life. Their opinions won’t change anything, so it’s best to keep my secrets tucked away. Now, I guess it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“But it does…becausewestill live together.”

“Yeah. Butwearen’t dating.”

She closes up, building her walls again, and I know she’s thinking about Brandon.

“My mother tends to ask a lot of questions. I’ve already received so many calls from people at church sending their condolences, so I know right now, I’m the talk of the community. I guess that’s what happens when your father is the pastor of a megachurch. With the way I feel right now, it’s best I don’t chat with my parents. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret or snap at them for no reason. The last time I talked to her, she told me to come home and move back to Utah.”

“Are you?” I eagerly ask.

She pauses for a moment and smirks. “Hell no. As long as my sisters are here, I’ll be here. I have no desire to be told what I should and shouldn’t be doing. I had eighteen hard years of that, and if I moved back, regardless of my age, it’d continue, and I can’t. Plus, I love my job. California is my home now, and I don’t ever plan on leaving.”

My heart pounds hard in my chest. Knowing she’s not running away when it would be so easy to do causes a smile to touch my lips.

“Okay, good.”

“I do have a trip planned to see them in a couple of months after school ends. Plane tickets are already purchased. Brandon and I were going together.” She pauses for a moment. “He was the only person I ever told about how strict my parents were growing up. He understood me on a deeper level.”

I want to reach out to her, but I’m on one side of the couch and she’s on the other, and it’s best if I don’t. But when she’s in this fragile state, I want to hold her close and keep her together so she doesn’t shatter into a million pieces. My only job right now is to be the glue that keeps her whole as best as I can. I almost tell her about my childhood and how fucked up it was but decide to keep it to myself for now. It wasn’t easy, so I understand.

“I miss him too,” I offer. I miss our Friday afternoon beers and all the shit he’d give me when I was being a total asshole. He’d listen to me talk about things that didn’t even matter. I feel guilty for never telling him how much his friendship meant to me, though I hope after all these years he knew.

Lennon unmutes the TV and continues watching this ridiculous show, but as I glance over in her direction, I realize how happy I am that she’s here. Neither of us is the best company as broken, hollow shells of ourselves, but at least we have one another in some fucked-up way.

My phone vibrates in my pocket, and it’s Jenna again. I reject it and act like I’m watching the most interesting conversation and get lost in my thoughts. When it buzzes again, Lennon looks at me as if I’m interrupting this shitshow.

“If you don’t answer it, I might,” she taunts but she looks serious. “After you answered my mother’s call, I kinda owe you one.”

The thought of her talking to Jenna has me pulling my lips into a firm line. Before Jenna can call again, because she will, I turn off my phone and stuff it into my front pocket. I feel Lennon's eyes on me, but I don’t dare meet them.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

LENNON

It’s beentwo weeks since Brandon’s death, and I’m trying to find my new normal without him. I promised everyone I’d take spring break to work through what’s happened, but I didn’t. I floated through the week with no concept of time. The days and nights blended, and instead of being twenty-four hours, they felt never ending. As if I were in my own personal prison. I’m in a constant state of sadness, and while the random bouts of tears still come, I’ve been able to maintain a sliver of control.

I talked to Mrs. Locke last week, and we reminisced about all the good times Brandon and I had over the past two years. She talks about him as if he’s here with us and just went on an extended vacation or something. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she’s in denial, but I get it because it’s easier to think about it that way.

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