Sophie snaps her fingers in front of my face as if to pull me out of a haze. “Have you lost your damn mind? I know you had a baby and all, but did your brain go to mush?”
I slap her hand away and glare, but I know she’s right. It’s the same thing my parents have been saying for weeks.
I can’t let fear keep me from admitting what I feel because I know I’d have nobody but myself to blame if I lost him. How long can I push him away before he realizes he deserves better? Deserves to be loved? I know my insecurities are fueling my apprehension right now, but it’s all I can think about. So much has changed since that night months ago, and I don’t know if he’s been waiting for me all this time, or if we’re in friend-zone territory for good.
“What the hell? You two ditched me!” Maddie scolds the second she sits down with a glass of water, then chugs it.
“Lennon is having a freak-out moment about Hunter,” Sophie explains casually. “I’m talking her off the ledge.”
“Ooh yes, boy talk. Keep going,” she encourages with a smile. “Are you finally admitting you want to bone him six ways to Sunday?”
“Maddie!” Sophie shouts.
I surrender. “Well…she’s not wrong.” My heart pounds as I admit that out loud for the first time. I feel goose bumps on my arms and wonder how I’ll face him later after having this conversation with my sisters.
Maddie chuckles. “About damn time. Holy shit. So when are you gonna tell him?”
“It’s not that easy,” I say, lowering my eyes. “So much has changed since that first night we met. I’m no longer a careless college student. My life isn’t just aboutmeanymore.”
“And I know, without a doubt, Hunter loves you and Allie,” Sophie states.
I look at both of them with a serious face. “Did you know stretch marks are forever? Those magical creams are all bullshit. My body looks like a damn road map.”
Sophie’s expression softens. “Is that what you’re so worried about, Lennon? That he’s going to judge your body or not like what he sees? You’re worried he won’t want you anymore?”
“Yes, kinda. It’s only been six weeks since I had Alison, and things haven’t exactly gone back to normal. Let’s not forget the fact I haven’t had sex in almost a year. My vagina would probably scare him away,” I say, feeling defeated.
Sophie snorts, then chuckles.
“You know I’m right. He was attracted to sexy, tight body Lennon. Now my boobs leak, I’m in bed by eight p.m., and I’m a walking zombie between getting up with the baby and breastfeeding. He probably thinks he dodged a bullet now.” I slump back, and the reality of my words hits me in full force.
“Are you done with the pity party now?” Sophie deadpans. “Hunterlovesyou,” she states matter-of-factly. “You love him too, and even if you’re too scared to admit how much he means to you, you two are good for each other. The question you have to ask yourself is are you willing to let your own insecurities get in the way of being happy again?”
“It hasn’t even been a year since Brandon died,” I say. “Alison looks so much like him. It’s a constant reminder he’s not here and how much I miss him every single day.”
“Lennon…” Her voice softens. “I know how much you two loved each other. Everyone who knew you guys could see it. But you can’t stop living your life and wondering about the what-ifs. Brandon wouldn’t want that, and you can’t allow yourself to think otherwise. Hunter was his best friend. Brandon would approve. I know he would.”
I don’t realize I’m crying until I taste the salty tears on my lips.
“A part of me knows that, Soph.” I wipe my cheeks. “I feel like I can maybe accept that, but now I’m scared of rejection. What if this changes everything, and our friendship ends? I don’t know that I could live with myself for ruining things between Hunter and me.”
“That’s a risk you’re gonna have to take, but I honestly don’t think you have anything to worry about. It’s time. Let yourself love again, Lennon. You deserve it all.”
“I know I’m not a love expert or anything,” Maddie chimes in, “but if I had a guy look at me with even half the amount of longing as Hunter looks at you with, I’d propose to him in a heartbeat. You two have gone through a lot together, and no one that matters will think you’re moving on too soon or shame you for following your heart.”
“I think I’d be devastated if he started dating someone or moved on because I couldn’t admit how I felt, and hell, that scares the shit out of me,” I concede.
“Loving someone else doesn’t take away how you felt about Brandon or what you two had, Lennon. Just remember that.” Sophie reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “He would want you to move on and be happy. Now it’s up to you.”
I nod, wiping my cheek when another tear falls. “You’re right. You both are.”
“Hell yeah, we are!” Maddie is the soberest drunk I’ve ever met.
“Will you be upset if I leave early, Mads?”
“I’d be upset if you didn’t!”
We both stand, and then she hugs me.