Page 160 of Between Hate and Desire

That thought weighs on me, though it shouldn’t, considering he’s not mine to be territorial of. I still feel protective of him, though, as my best friend. Maybe it was those feelings or the fact that I keep resisting how I truly feel that had me texting him that night to lie with me.

The moment he wrapped his body around mine, I didn’t care about the consequences, the guilt, or the past. All that I could think of was the present and how badly I wanted him to touch me—even if just once. I didn’t think he would, though I should’ve known better. His hands so intimately on my body caught every nerve on fire, and I burned hot for him. I needed him—in any way he’d give me—and when my body shook, I knew my feelings poured out after holding them back.

I was lusting over him.

Or worse—falling.

That night with him in the dark is where things between us stayed. When I woke up the next morning, he was gone. I found him in the kitchen, making breakfast, and it was as if nothing had happened. We ate together like always, I left for work, and he texted me a couple of times to check on me. That night, we ate dinner together, watched the season’s final episode ofYOUthat had us both dropping our jaws, and chatted more about baby names.

I couldn’t tell if he wasn’t bringing it up for my sake or if he wanted us to pretend it had never happened since I’d nearly begged him to touch me in the first place. Did he only do it to make me happy and he was now embarrassed? Was it too awkward to even discuss?

Did he wish it never happened?

The thoughts flooded my mind for days, and since he never brought it up, neither did I. Now a month has passed, and it’s like we’ve both decided to take this secret to the grave. I’m not sure what I would say anyway if he did mention it, especially after all this time, but I can’t help thinking what it meant to him—if anything.

Did it mean as much to him as it did to me?

Why would it?He poured his heart out to me, and I turned him down. Now all I can think about is how he touched me out of pity, and the thought gives me secondhand embarrassment.

Ugh.

We managed to survive Thanksgiving together. It was the first big holiday without Brandon, which brought on bouts of sadness, but Sophie and Maddie came over, and we all feasted together. Didn’t hear from my mother either, not that I expected to at this point. My sisters helped keep my mind busy enough not to dwell on my feelings, though.

Then Mason and Liam stopped over later to watch football with Hunter. We decided to make this our newFriendsgivingtradition and watch all theFriendsholiday episodes.

Of course Maddie then suggested we play football with girls versus boys. I kindly reminded her I was too pregnant to even walk to the bathroom without losing my breath.

With the baby coming any day now, everything is ready and set up. Baby items have not only taken over my bedroom and closet, but a few family friends sent us a high chair, jumper, sleeper rocker, swing, and bouncy seat, which are now in the kitchen and living room. Poor Hunter has to walk through a maze to get from one room to the other.

He hasn’t complained once, though, not that I expect him to. Hunter’s embraced every part of this, which makes him even more incredible. He surprised me last weekend and brought home a cute stuffed bear that we named Lil Paws, so we could “test” out all the baby gear. It was adorable to see Hunter get so excited, which makes me even more sad that he can’t have kids of his own. He deserves more than anyone to find a woman who can make him happy, get married, build a life and start a family with, even if it’s through adoption or another way. I can see it in his eyes that he wants that more than anything.

Now it’s a week before my due date, and I’ve been having contractions for the past few days. I know Braxton Hicks is common, and it’s my body’s way of practicing, but it hurts like a bitch.

“You okay?” Hunter asks as I hunch over the couch and press a hand to my back. “More back pain?”

“Yeah, it’s a stabbing sensation.” I squeeze my eyes and try to breathe through it. “Is it too early to ask for drugs?” I half-tease.

“Want ice or heat?” he asks before he walks to the kitchen.

“Both,” I reply. “And maybe a shot of tequila.”

Hunter chuckles, and moments later, he returns with a frozen bag of veggies and a hot washcloth. “Turn a bit,” he directs, then sits behind me. He lifts my shirt and pulls down the band of my leggings.

“On the left side, it feels like a damn Charley horse,” I tell him, fighting the pain.

Placing the ice on my lower back, he then wraps the hot cloth around my neck. I try to relax to see if the tension will ease up, and after twenty minutes, I finally feel a lot better.

“Would you mind grabbing me a bottle of my nail polish from the bathroom?” I ask before he takes a seat. He gives me a funny look in return. “I want to have pretty feet for labor.”

Chuckling, he shakes his head but doesn’t say anything as he walks into the hallway. A minute later, he returns with two bottles.

“Which color?” He holds up a pink color and a teal glittery one.

“Your pick,” I say.

“You want me to choose?” he asks, arching a brow.

“Yeah.” I shrug. “Which one do you think?”

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