Page 136 of Between Hate and Desire

He swallows hard, words forming on the tip of his tongue, but he closes his mouth and doesn’t speak. For a moment, I think he’s getting choked up about it too.

“From what I read, yes, but not always. After the second test came back the same, I lost faith and didn’t want to get my hopes up again.” He shrugs.

Reaching for his hand, I take it and squeeze lightly. “Thanks for telling me.”

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know, Lennon. At this point, you already know everything about me anyway.” He chuckles, and I like how genuine it sounds.

“You know everything about me too. There aren’t any secrets that I haven’t told you.”

Hunter’s smirk deepens. “How ’bout we finish this episode, then call it a night?”

I nod, grateful he changes the subject.

I’m hardly paying attention, but when Hunter yawns, I stretch my arms above my head. Before the next episode starts, he turns off the TV and stands.

“I have to ask.” His expression softens. “Did any of it feel real to you in Utah, Lennon? Any of it at all?”

When I get to my feet, he closes the gap between us, and his scent consumes me. I lose myself in the brown of his irises as he waits for my answer. Closing my eyes tight, I think back to the moment he kissed me as we danced on the Fourth of July. It sure as hell didn’t feel fake or wrong to me. Every touch, stolen glance, and sweet thing he said is at the forefront of my mind. When I look into his eyes, I know there’s no way I could lie.

“Yes,” I desperately whisper. “It felt real for me, too. So real, I almost let myself believe it could be right.”

Without saying a word, Hunter takes my cheeks in his palms, and a contemplative smile plays on his lips before his mouth covers mine. We’re greedy as our tongues twist together in a rhythmic movement. I fist his shirt, pulling him closer, and moan against him. We shouldn’t do this, but I can’t seem to pull away. With every passing moment, we become more desperate and breathless until we’re losing ourselves. It’s easy to pretend we don’t have a past when his tongue tangles with mine.

“Lennon,” Hunter moans my name, but it’s impossible for me to stop. My heart doesn’t want to, though my head says I should. When I’m with him like this, I lose control, and nothing else matters. There’s no sadness or grief—just us.

I finally force myself to break away, unsteady on my feet, and feel as if I’m floating when our foreheads touch.

Then it all hits me like a brick wall.

“We shouldn’t have done that,” I whisper against his lips, my breathing erratic. If I don’t stop now, this could lead somewhere it shouldn’t. Somewhere it can’t.

Hunter releases a deep breath, holding me so tightly I don’t ever want him to let me go. But my head and heart battle, fighting against the guilt and desire. I squeeze my eyes shut, holding in the tears that threaten to pour out. Our heavy breathing is all that can be heard in the entire apartment.

“I’m so sorry,” I murmur, choking up.

“I know.” Hunter cups my face before kissing my forehead, a farewell peace offering.

Somehow, I find the strength to walk away from him without looking over my shoulder. I can’t bear to see the look on his face after that.

I shut my bedroom door and lean against the cool wood as I try to catch the breath Hunter stole. My lips are swollen, and I run my fingertips across them, knowing we can never do that again. There are too many emotions behind it, considering Hunter’s confessions. Admitting to how he makes me feel isn’t something I can do, and I refuse to lead him on, knowing my heart is still cracked and barely glued back together. I’m a broken mess, and I’m not sure he can repair me, especially now. Maybe never.

What’s happened between us is so damn wrong.

I can’t stop thinking about Brandon. What the hell would he think about this? Would he be pissed? Or would he rather I have feelings for his best friend than someone else?

I don’t know how I can ever move on without the shame following me.

I think about what my life would be like if Brandon were here with me right now. If the accident hadn’t happened, we’d probably be a happy family. He would’ve loved meeting my parents, and I know my parents would’ve felt the same way about him. The remorse I’m harboring is almost too much, but I deserve it. Did I plug Hunter in where Brandon should be because I’m so sad and lonely?

I’m living in a fucked-up fairy tale, and I’m not sure if I’ll get a happy ending or even deserve to. The selfish part of me wants to ask him to sleep with me and hold me close to his strong body, but logic wins this time. It’s not a good idea, considering the way he feels—wefeel.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

HUNTER

ONE MONTH LATER

I gently pushopen Lennon’s door and see her swollen belly sticking out from her rolled up shirt as she shifts in her sleep. I ache to touch her, to feel her soft skin against mine, and to prove to her how real my feelings are for her. It’s painful keeping them in, especially after confessing them, but I do. As I’ve done for the past two years, I push them down and pretend they don’t exist, especially since she walked away.

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