Page 86 of Between Hate and Desire

The thought of her ever being with someone else rips a dagger through me. I don’t want to find anyone—that’s the problem. I’m not sure when either of us will be ready for that.

“I do understand, Lennon,” I say, treading carefully. “When that happens”—the wordwhenis a knife to my heart—“we’ll cross that bridge then. If you need a divorce or a way out, you can blame it all on me, say I was unfaithful and walked out or something.” The words taste like poison as they leave my mouth. I know this is all fake and the worst-case scenario, but I hate thinking of there being a time when Lennon isn’t in my life. “All I’m suggesting is an option that’ll make you stress-free and keep your parents happy,” I simply say.

“You make it sound so easy.” She sounds defeated. “Lying to my parents to cover up another lie. It’s not gonna be as easy as you think.”

I nod, understanding her concerns. I know it won’t be, considering my true feelings for her, but I know she needs an out, and I’m offering her an option.

“Just think about it. We still have time. I’ll do whatever you need or want, Lennon. You know that, but you’ll need to decide soon so we can prepare and get our stories straight.” I stand, knowing she probably needs some space. “Either way, I’m going with you to Utah because you’re not going by yourself,” I tell her matter-of-factly.

Before it gets awkward and more tense, I excuse myself and go to my room, leaving the ball in her court. This is ultimately her decision, one that she’s going to have to make on her own. I sit on the edge of the bed and scrub my hands over my face, blowing out deep breaths. I feel as if I’ve betrayed my best friend for even suggesting this. Though my intentions are pure, my feelings aren’t. It’ll be torture for me to experience a glimpse of something I can’t have and will never have—Lennon as my wife.

Brandon would want me to take care of her, protect her from harm, and that’s what I’m trying to do, regardless of how it’ll affect me personally. Luckily, her parents are miles away, so keeping up the façade will be easy. At least then she won’t have to lie about not living with someone anymore.

I can still hear them chatting but can’t make out what they’re saying, and a part of me doesn’t want to know anyway. I lie back on the bed and stare at the ceiling until my vision blurs. Everything I said in there was the truth, even if the feelings I’ve felt for her all this time are one-sided. I won’t have to do much pretending, so it’d be easy for me to play the fake husband, though showing affection might be awkward at first since I’ve coached myself to keep my distance for so long.

Releasing a deep, conflicted breath, I try to push it all away. Maybe it was a stupid idea after all.

I close my eyes, exhausted from my day at work, and fall asleep with the light on. I’m dreaming about nothing when I think I hear Lennon calling my name. My eyes flutter open, and I’m surprised she’s standing in my room, watching me sleep.

“Hey,” I say, clearing my throat and sitting up on the edge of the bed.

She walks toward me and sits next to me as she bows her head and slumps her shoulders. “My sisters left.”

I study her, trying to gauge her next words.

“I’m sorry for the way I acted,” she starts.

Before she can continue, I stop her. “Don’t be.”

“I was just shocked.” She nods as if she’s confirming it to herself, then shifts her body slightly so we’re face-to-face. “But the more I talked it over with them, the more I realized how right you were. It’s a brilliant idea, considering how I’m limited on options, and I’m kinda upset with myself that I didn’t think of it first,” she says with a laugh and shoots me a playful grin. “Seriously, though, I think it’ll work.”

“Ahh, it feels good to be right,” I tease, needing to relieve some of the tension in the air.

Lennon giggles, then smacks my arm.

“I know I talked about a fake divorce and all that, but honestly, I think I might be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t see myself ever moving on.”

When I shift my body, our faces are close enough for me to feel her warm breath on my cheek. But I need some distance because the way she’s looking at me makes me want to kiss all her worries away. It’s almost as if she wants me to, but I resituate myself, finding the space I desperately need before I cross a line I know I shouldn’t. I know I’m reading into her body language and expressions way more than I should, but at times, it’s hard to remind myself of that when her expression is filled with so much sadness and longing.

“You’ll move on when you’re ready, but I promise, you won’t be alone forever. You’re a beautiful woman, Lennon. I’ve always thought that. You’re caring, thoughtful, and compassionate. I know one day you’re going to find someone who’ll love you and your baby. It might not be soon, or even five years from now, but eventually. That I know for certain.” I swallow hard, meaning every word, but also realizing how much they hurt me to say.

Her eyes meet mine, and for a second, I’m lost in them, lost in the sound of her ragged breaths as her lips slightly part. So much emotion and electricity streams between us that I force myself to look away to break the silent conversation we were having.

“You’ll find someone too, Hunter,” she assures, and I’m not sure why there’s a tinge of sadness in her voice when she says that. I want to tell her that I’ve never wanted anyone else other than her—explain that she’s always been the one for me, the woman I think about when I close my eyes—but confessing my truths will only make things tense between us, so I keep it to myself just as I have for the past two years.

“Thank you,” I tell her without saying what I want to say.

“Well,” she says, her tone changing. “I guess it’s settled then. We’ll have to come up with a plan, transfer the plane ticket to your name, then start learning all the nitty-gritty about each other, so our fake relationship is believable at least, because, trust me, with my family, you’ll get the interrogation of your life.” She stands, seeming happy that we have a plan.

“Yep, I guess so. Now you’ll have to tell me all your secrets,” I quip, but as I glance in the top drawer where the engagement ring Brandon bought her is tucked away, I know that not everything can be discussed. Some things have to stay buried deep inside.

“I’m an open book, but tomorrow, it all starts. You might not want to be my friend after you learn some things about me,” she teases.

I chuckle, shaking my head. “Impossible.”

“When I was a kid, I loved to eat sugar and butter sandwiches.”

“Okay that’s a deal breaker,” I tease.

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