Page 69 of Between Hate and Desire

“Maybe you should get a mini fridge for your room? At least that way he won’t go in there and take it,” I suggest.

“Probably a good idea. Well, anyway, I’m going to need you to keep me company and distracted when I’m not at work. Luckily, things are busy right now, so I won’t be home much anyway.”

Maddie meets us at the store with Erin, her roommate from school. They live in the dorms, but it’s set up more like an apartment. Maddie has her own bedroom and only shares the kitchen and living space. We’ve met Erin a few times now, and she seems sweet. I’m glad Maddie has someone like her to count on because dancers can be cutthroat and competitive during the audition season.

“You have all junk food in your cart.” I snort when I look inside. “What happened to your dietary restrictions?”

“We’re going on a beach trip this weekend with a few others, and we’re in charge of snacks,” Maddie explains. “Plus, it’s only a few days. I’ll be back to ice cubes and oxygen on Monday.” She rolls her eyes even though she really is disciplined. She’s always had a slender build, the perfect dancer’s body, but we like giving her shit anytime we can.

“Pretty sure I gained ten pounds just looking at all of that,” Sophie adds with a mock smile. “Oh, speaking of feeling fat, I need to get tampons too.”

Her comment makes me laugh because I always feel super bloated before my cycle begins too. In fact, my periods were so heavy and painful, I finally went on birth control in college to regulate them and ease the cramps. However, after Brandon died, I basically gave up on everything and stopped my pills. Probably need to get back on them so my periods don’t try to kill me next time.

“Lennon, you need some?” Sophie asks as she reaches for the ones she wants.

“So glad I don’t have to worry about that every single month,” Maddie singsongs. Since she’s been a dancer for half her life and trained so much, she developed late. In fact, training takes such a toll on her body that she rarely gets one at all.

“No, I’m still stocked from the last time.”

“You didn’t buy any last time we went shopping,” she replies, tossing a couple of boxes in the cart.

Blinking, I try to remember when I bought them. I’ve only gone to the store a couple of times since the accident because Hunter’s been going. “It must’ve been before that then.” I shrug, taking the cart to the next aisle.

“Are you sure? Should I grab a box in case?” Sophie offers. “Because there’s no way you’re stocked up for more than a couple of times. Your bathroom is way too small for that.”

That’s true. “I have a box in the cabinet under the sink.” I know that for a fact because that’s where I keep all my shit and see it in there each time I grab my blow-dryer.

“Lennon.” Sophie inches closer, lowering her voice. “When’s the last time you had your period? Aren’t you on the pill? You should have it every twenty-eight days.”

“Geez,Mother.” I huff. “Why do you care so much?”

“Because you’ve gone through some shit, and it can take a toll on your body just like your emotional and mental states. I’m worried about you, is all.” She gives me a genuine look of concern, and now I feel bad for scolding her.

“Stress can affect them too,” I remind her. “I can’t remember the last time I had it, but I stopped taking my pill after the funeral. Mostly because I forgot.” I was too distraught to even eat.

Sophie gets out her phone and taps on the calendar app. “What’re you doing?”

“Counting the weeks.”

“Why?”

“Because if you stopped taking your pill over two months ago and you still haven’t gotten your period, that means something could be off.” She starts holding up her fingers to keep track of how long it’s been.

“I’ll go back on it as soon as I get my period and start a new cycle. I don’t know why you’re freaking out.” I continue walking, looking at the items on the shelves.

“You should get a pregnancy test,” she blurts out, which causes me to freeze.

She walks up to me, and I turn to face her. “Have you lost your mind?” I’m getting angry now. “You know I haven’t had sex with anyone.”

“Lennon, I’m sorry. I’m not saying you have. But you could be pregnant. Brandon passed away less than three months ago. You could’ve gotten pregnant right before.”

I hear the sincerity in her tone and know she’s not trying to upset me, but the reality is I don’t want to discuss this right now in the middle of the grocery store.

“That’d make me like over two months pregnant then, Soph. I think I’d know by now.” I scoff at the insane thought.

“Not always. A lot of women don’t show the first trimester or even have symptoms. I knew a girl who didn’t find out until she was basically giving birth.”

I wrinkle my nose at the thought. That seems impossible.

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