Page 56 of Between Hate and Desire

We get through one and a half episodes before the doorbell rings. Pushing myself up, I stand and answer it. Memories of the night Brandon died rush through my mind, and I think about how Lennon reacted to the delivery guy. I look over my shoulder and see her eyes glued to the screen, so I’m not even sure if she remembers it.

“Thanks,” I tell the man and bring our food inside. Setting the bag on the coffee table, I go to grab some plates and forks. “You need a drink?” I call out once I’m in the kitchen.

I don’t get an answer, and moments later, I hear Lennon rushing down the hallway and then a door slamming. “What the hell?” I mutter, following the sound. Standing outside the bathroom door, I hear her dry heaving.

Tapping my knuckles on the wood, I call her name. “Lennon? Are you okay? Can I come in?”

She’s emptying her stomach, which wasn’t full to begin with, and it worries me even more. I don’t wait for a response and walk in to check on her.

“Go away.” She sounds defeated as she kneels next to the porcelain.

Rolling my eyes, I ignore her request and grab a towel. After handing it to her, I wrap my hands around her shoulders and fist her hair so it’s out of the way.

“I think I’m done,” she says softly, sitting back, looking pale. “That hit me out of nowhere. I opened the bag of Chinese, and as soon as I smelled it, nausea hit me.”

“Hope you aren’t getting a stomach bug,” I say, my eyes narrow in worry.

“I don’t know. Maybe.” She wipes her mouth with the towel, and I hold out my hand to help her to her feet. “I did go out in public today, so my system probably went into shock.” She laughs at herself. “I think I’ll be okay, but maybe no Chinese.”

“Probably a safe bet.” I smile in return. “I’ll find you something else.”

We walk out of the bathroom and back into the living room. I take the bag of food and bring it into the kitchen, then place hers in the fridge. Grabbing the loaf of bread, I make her two pieces of toast with butter. Whether or not she’s getting the flu, she needs to eat something.

Once I deliver her food, we sit and watch moreFriendsepisodes. I keep my eye on her and ask if she’s still feeling sick. I offer to bring in a bowl, but she reassures me the toast is helping.

“Thank you, Hunter,” she says once we shut down for the night. I have to be up for work early, but time flies when we’re hanging out and not drowning in our sadness.

“For what?” I ask, locking up and flicking off the main lights.

She lowers her eyes for a moment, then brings them back up to mine with a small smile on her face. “For not making me go through this alone. Your company has helped me during this time, and I wanted you to know I appreciate it. I’m sure you have a dozen other things you’d rather be doing.”

Studying her face, I wonder if she truly thinks that. Walking toward her, I close the gap between us and wrap my arms around her. “I promise, there’s nowhere I’d rather be, Lennon.” I pull back, looking at her. “You’re not bad to be around when you aren’t screaming at me and threatening my balls.” I shoot her a wink, which makes her swat at my chest.

“You deserved it,” she reminds me before her smile falls. “I hope one day I can wake up without this weight of sadness on my chest. It helps knowing I’m not suffering alone, though. I know you cared about him too.”

I hate hearing the pain in her voice. She doesn’t openly talk about her feelings, at least not in the past few weeks. She seems content with burying them, but the fact she’s talking about it now without bursting into tears is a good sign.

“One day at a time,” I remind her. Before I have time to think better of it, I pull her back into my arms again and kiss the top of her head. “It’s okay to be sad, Lennon. Just don’t let the sadness consume you so much that you stop living.”

“I know,” she says softly. “I try to remind myself of that daily. Doesn’t always win, though.”

I step back, distancing myself from her. “And that’s okay.Somedays are better thaneveryday.”

Lennon flashes a sincere smile, then follows me down the hallway where we split into our new rooms. Once I shut my door, I lean against it and squeeze my eyes shut. She has no idea how much restraint I’ve used these past two years, and the fact that she’s leaning on me now as we both grieve our loss makes it even harder to keep my emotions in check. Pulling her close felt right. I won’t allow her to go through this alone. Even though it hurts more and more each day, I’ll be what she needs as I continue to pretend my feelings for her never existed.

Even if it kills me in the end.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

LENNON

The days don’t seemas long, and getting out of bed in the morning isn’t as hard. Still, the loss exists and hits me without warning. A few nights ago, after the smell of Chinese food made me sick, Hunter showed a caring side I didn’t know existed. Part of me says he’s being nice because I was Brandon’s girlfriend, but I know he’s being genuine now. Hunter wouldn’t spend his nights with me if he truly didn’t want to, but I have this anxious feeling in my gut that things will eventually change, and he won’t want me around anymore.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve lived in an apartment that never truly felt like mine. It’s always been a temporary living situation until Brandon and I moved out. Now that I have no reason to be here, I’m waiting for Hunter to be ready to move on with his life that won’t include me lingering around in my sadness.

Still, he continues to reassure me he has no problem with me being here. I can’t even remember the last time he’s brought a date home, which is odd considering Hunter’s previous habits. He goes to work, comes home to make or order dinner, then we hang out and flip through channels until bedtime.

“Lennon, have you been cleaning?” Maddie asks, looking around the spotless apartment. Sophie sits next to me and starts looking around too.

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