Page 47 of Between Hate and Desire

My eyes meet hers. “I know that, but Brandon would want me to.”

“That doesn’t make me your responsibility,” she blurts out. She stops in her tracks and swallows hard. “I’m sorry. I—” She shakes her head, bringing her fingers up to her temples, and I wish I hadn’t said that because I notice how much it upsets her even though it’s partly the truth. I want to take care of her for selfish reasons too. I hate seeing her this distraught, and considering there’s nothing I can do about his death, I can be here for her in every way possible.

“No,I’msorry. I just know he’d want me to make sure you’re eating and taking care of yourself, and that’s all I can do right now. If I’m overstepping my boundaries, tell me, and I’ll stop.”

“Hunter…” Her bottom lip trembles. “You don’t have to apologize. I truly appreciate everything you’ve done for me even if I haven’t shown it.”

She shakes her head.

“I don’t feel like myself. I’m so fucking sad that I don’t know what to do or how to act. Time stands still, but goes by fast at the same time, as if I’m living the same day in hell over and over again.”

Tears stream down her face, and I want to hold her, tell her it’s okay, and comfort her even if I don’t know how. But instead, I stand there feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world.

“Lennon…” I murmur. “Come sit. It’s okay. I shouldn’t have said anything. I know what you’re going through. It’s not easy, and I don’t know how I’m going to get over this either. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, and the only person who understands that right now is you.”

She sits, and I take the food from the bag and hand her some napkins. I ordered the same thing because it’s my favorite too.

We unwrap our food, and neither of us immediately eats. Before it gets cold, I take a bite, and she follows. I haven’t had an appetite for the past week and haven’t felt like going to the gym, though I know it’d probably be good for me to release some of my anger and frustrations. Every waking moment has been spent worrying about Lennon and making sure she’s moving forward, as difficult as it is. She’s the only reason I’ve been able to get out of bed in the morning.

“This is so good,” she says, taking another bite and sending me a gentle smile. “Sophie’s coming to pick me up in thirty minutes. We’re getting pedis and manis. I didn’t want to go, but she’s relentless, so I agreed to shut her up.”

My heart bursts with joy at the sound of her little laugh, and I’m glad I called Sophie on the way to work to get her out of the house.

After we eat, a knock taps on the door. Sophie smiles wide when I answer it, and I whisper a quickthank you.

“There’s my favorite sister!” she calls out, walking over to Lennon and wrapping her arms around her.

“I’m telling Maddie you said that,” Lennon teases.

“It’s okay. I tell her she’s my favorite too, so she won’t believe you.” Sophie shoots Lennon a wink, then leans over and steals a bite of the burrito that’s barely been touched. “Oh mah gah.” She moans around a mouthful, taking another bite.

“Hey!” Lennon says, genuinely smiling.

“If you don’t finish eating this, I’m gonna,” Sophie threatens with a snort as she goes in for another bite.

Lennon shakes her head and stands. “I’m going to change real quick and brush my teeth. Gimme five minutes?”

Sophie nods, and Lennon walks away.

“Thank you,” I tell her again, knowing I can go to work without worrying about Lennon wasting away alone.

“Anytime. It took some begging, but she eventually caved when I told her I was coming to pick her stubborn ass up regardless if she wanted me to or not.” Sophie laughs and looks around the apartment. The last time she was over after the accident, everything was hectic, and her attention was on Lennon.

“My sister girlied the place up, didn’t she?” Sophie stands and makes small talk. The photos of Lennon and Brandon still hang on the wall, and she looks over them as she waits. The reality of my best friend being gone practically punches me in the stomach. The sadness comes in unexpected spurts when a memory is triggered. Thankfully, Sophie doesn’t mention the photos scattered all over the place, and when Lennon enters, she turns around and puts a huge grin on her face.

“I hate how pretty you are without even trying,” Sophie tells Lennon with a pout.

Shaking my head, I laugh. “You have the same genes.”

“Yeah, but she got all the good ones.”

Lennon rolls her eyes. “Okay, well, that’s what you get for telling me I was adopted for all those years.” She smirks. “We should get going.”

Sophie heads toward the door and walks out, and before Lennon follows her, she stops and looks at me. “Thanks, Hunter. Right now, you’re my only saving grace. And I know you’re making Brandon proud.”

Though the sparkle in her eyes is gone and the smile is vacant from her face, I know she means it, and that’s enough for me. “You’re welcome,” is all I’m able to get out before the door clicks closed.

I put her half-eaten burrito in the fridge, then head back to work. I turn on the radio to drown out the memories of Brandon flooding my mind. The one that keeps popping into my head is how he wanted to propose to Lennon, to spend the rest of his life with her, and it’s not fair that opportunity was stolen from him.

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